


Memories

by suzukia



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, more tags to be added as the story continues, takes place in 2014
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-29 01:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 59,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6353479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzukia/pseuds/suzukia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a car accident Toru's whole world gets turned upside down as he learns that Taka suffers from amnesia and doesn't remember what they used to be. He decides not to push the elder into a life that he hasn't chosen by himself and soon has to face the consequences of his decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memories: Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone and thanks for checking out Memories!  
> This fanfiction had originally been written and planned in German, however, to make the story accessible to everyone I decided to translate it into English. By now there are major differences between the German original and this version, so if you happen to speak both, I would still recommend you to stick with this one.
> 
> Special thanks to @addictioncrx and several other lovely people for helping with the English translation!

“Considering the injuries he will most likely keep suffering from consequential damages.”  
  
Over and over this sentence repeated itself inside his head. Over and over he was reminded of the brutal meaning behind these words the man in white had told him hours ago. He had been so close to crying - still was - and yet not a single tear had left his eyes even now. It was because of the shock, the doctors said. Only during the following days would he realise entirely what really happened that night. Whom he had actually lost.  
  
The body of the curly-haired man lay alive and dead at the same time in the bed in front of him. Wired to various machines, that proved to him and the doctors that Taka was still with them. Physically, at least. He had not moved since they arrived here, had not twitched his fingers or opened his eyes. He just lay there, breathing the sterile hospital air. Silent.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault, the driver of the other car involved in this accident obstructed your right of way. He’s dead.” Those policeman’s words had gotten through to him as though through a filter. Hazy and vague. He had been too distracted by the small-built body that was brought into an ambulance by the paramedics. Hurt. Unconscious. And covered in blood.  
  
“You had incredible luck making it out of this crash with only a few bruises and sprains. Your guardian angel must have been watching over you.”  
  
“He has,” he replied to the first attendant quietly with a hoarse voice. _He has and now he might die._  
  
Just like a metronome rang the sound of the machine through the room, monitoring Taka’s pulse. Was described as “stable” by the doctors.  
  
Why was the small man lying there with all those bandages covering his body? What did he do to deserve this? Why did it have to be Taka who had gotten hurt this badly and not himself? Why had he promised that he would always take care of him and was now the one who stood next to his hospital bed so very helplessly? Why had he failed to protect him? Why did all of this have to happen?  
  
Why had the universe taken from him what he loved the most?


	2. Part 1, Chapter 1

Toru averted his gaze from Taka who was still lying motionless in his bed and examined the silver ring on his own finger with glazed, brown eyes. A quiet knock could be heard just before someone from the personnel entered the room.  The nurse gave Toru a consoling smile, which still wasn’t able to change his sad mimic.  
  
“You’re a friend, I guess?”, she enquired. A silent nod. “I’m sure you’ve already heard, but his condition is stable, so he will most likely wake up again soon,” the nurse repeated the prognosis of the senior consultant. Another silent nod.  
  
The young woman now raised her head after having approached the curly-haired man’s bed in order to carefully fluff up his pillow again, which had become flat by now from Taka lying on it day and night. As it was placed back underneath certain dark curls the lady’s slim fingers moved to one of the drawers of the wooden bedside cabinet. Even though the blond wasn’t able to make out what she had placed inside, he could already imagine…  
With a short parting gesture the woman left the white, sterile scented room again.  
  
Taka’s vacuous face could neither tell Toru whether he was in pain right now nor if everything felt numb to him in this condition. And if it was the latter, would the pain kick in when Taka woke up?  
  
No matter how hard Toru tried not to think about Taka’s suffering any more, it was simply impossible. Be it his mental or physical pain, he would definitely succumb to one of them.  
  
  
No, he had not been wrong and just that made the whole issue even more depressing. A small blue bag laid in Toru’s palm, which the nurse had previously stored away in one of the drawers. With a heavy feeling in his chest the guitarist looked at the few things that Taka carried with him during the accident and felt his heart skipping a beat as a small silver ring came into his sight. A ring which counterpart adorned his very own finger.  
  
It was their engagement ring.  
  
Aware of the most likely following consequences, Toru took said ring with him. It was hard since he would hide Taka’s past away from him like this, but that way he wanted to do them both a favour. It would only hurt the guitarist even more if he had to watch Taka struggling with remembering their very own engagement as well as so many other events of their lives. He didn’t want to see how confused the smaller man would react and didn’t want to experience the pain he would feel due to that. Even though none of those things were Taka’s fault at all.  
  
Heavy-heartedly Toru stood up, stepped next to the sleeping man’s bed and gently stroked Taka’s warm cheek, pushing a few messy curls aside as he did so. “I’ll be back soon…,” the young man whispered and leaned over to place a feathery kiss on the other’s forehead. A single tear rolled from his eye.  
  
“Sleep well, my darling.”  
  
Carefully, Toru closed the door behind him, feeling his own heart beating heavily as he left his guardian angel. It was probably for the best to leave this place for a while to update Tomoya and Ryota.  
  
In front of the hospital’s main entrance Toru waited for his two colleagues after he’d messaged them to pick him up. Lighting a cigarette, he inhaled the mucky taste and looked up at the sky. Grey. He assumed that it would rain soon. A cold wind blew along the buildings and dragged his cigarette’s smoke with it. Accidents were not uncommon in this weather, wherefore he probably had to wait for Ryota’s car a little longer.  
  
The first raindrops touched the ground soon after Toru had started smoking his second cigarette. Not his second one for this day though. He had actually promised Taka to stop smoking but in situations like this, it was too hard for him to relinquish the so badly needed nicotine. As soon as Taka would open his eyes, the blond would stop again.  
The rain had gotten heavier by now as well as the wind that now blew so heavily through the streets that even the road signs gave in and moved along with its merciless uproar.  
  
“Even the angels sorrow for you,” Toru spoke to his fiancé in his thoughts.  
  
A dark grey BMW came to a halt next to the matching grey pavement. Dropping his cigarette butt to the ground Toru blew the remaining smoke in his lungs into the cold air, before he opened the passenger door and sat next to the driver. There was no “hello” or any other kind of greeting. Ryota gave the blond a pitying look after starting the car and driving away from the hospital. Away from Taka.  
  
“Tomoya and I won’t leave you alone,” the bassist assured and gave his childhood friend another quick look. “It’s hard for us all…,” he added. Toru clenched his teeth, trying so hard to suppress the urge to burst into tears. They stopped at an intersection on a red traffic light. In the distance the howling sound of sirens could be heard followed by honks of various cars that drove aside for the ambulance. Between two lanes, the vehicle equipped with emergency lights made its way through and increased its speed as soon as it had crossed the intersection. “That’s to be expected in a storm like this,” Ryota muttered, seemingly to himself.  
  
_Preoccupied, Taka still gazed at the shiny, silver ring on his finger with his heart beating wildly against his ribcage. Blinked tiny tears of joy from his eyes._  
  
_“Sad that you’ll be mine forever now?” Toru teased his co-driver. From the corner of his eye he had seen how fascinated the smaller man had seemed when he examined the ring. His words made Taka look up a little confused. A wide grin appeared on the singer’s full lips._  
  
_“Idiot,” Taka grumbled, acting all offended. “That’s what I’ve been this whole time.” Taka fluffed his rosy cheeks and put on his puppy look that always made Toru weak. The singer was perfectly aware of his fiancé’s reaction to it, which was why he loved to use it._  
  
_“But now everyone can see it,” the leader explained, pointing at the engagement ring on the elder’s finger. His name, Toru, was written on its inside in a squiggly writing while ‘Takahiro’ was written in his._  
  
_“Hey, stay concentrated, otherwise you won’t be able to look away from me any more and things might happen that shouldn’t happen in a car,” Taka joked even though a scenario like that wasn’t even that unrealistic, considering their…living passion for each other. A laugh left Toru’s well defined lips before he followed his singer’s comment and concentrated on the traffic again._  
  
_It was late, past midnight already as only the street lights as well as their own car lit their way. At a time like this there weren’t many vehicles on the move any more._  
  
_“I wanna thank you. You’ve done so much for me, Toru. Somehow… I still can’t believe that I’m actually happy. Like, completely and entirely happy. I love you.” Taka placed his hand on the blond’s thigh and gave him an intense look, even though Toru’s gaze lied on the street in front of them. The heavy car stopped at a diversion._  
  
_“Even though it’s been a little rough at the beginning, I would still act the way I did back then for a second time.” A gentle smile adorned Toru’s lips while his eyes looked so very intensely into the black jewels of the smaller one. Their eye contact ended way too soon, as Toru looked at the street again. He drove on the priority road and could therefore go first._  
  
_“When we’re back home, how about we-” Taka started but was interrupted by a loud, panicky scream from Toru._  
  
_“Taka, dodge!!!”_  
  
_There was a crash. Loud. Various noises sounded from the car of the accident perpetrator._  
  
  
_Everything around him sounded blurry. He couldn’t understand the voices that tried to talk to him. The steering wheel was nothing more than a warped circle, his fingers ice cold, his head about to explode. As his field of view became clearer, the memories came back to him. His heartbeat resonated – heavily – in his ears. As if time passed in slow motion, he tilted his head to the passenger seat.  A seemingly lifeless body covered in blood was being pulled out of the vehicle by various emergency responders. It felt as if he had swallowed his own tongue. He wanted to scream his name, he wanted to get up, wanted to follow the injured body into the ambulance. But he was not able to move. Was not able to speak. A vigorous shake on his shoulder retrieved him from his slow motion perception, and the sounds around Toru became more defined as soon as he was brought back to reality. He now noticed that he had held his breath from the shock of seeing his co-driver and heaved for as much oxygen as possible immediately._  
  
_“Sir, are you alright? Sir!” the policeman kept trying to earn a response from the driver but Toru only continued staring at the officer through empty eyes, as if his mind was still in another world..._  
  
It all appeared to be so surreal to him, as if he was dreaming and without even being entirely conscious of the situation, a part of him already wished that all this was nothing more but a nightmare and that the bloody body next to him did not belong to the person who meant everything to him.  
  
“Sir?” Again he heard the voice next to him after he had turned away from the man to stare at Taka, bewildered. His body wasn’t responding to his desperate attempts to move, to help the small man. Nothing reacted. Nothing on him. The world around him however kept moving carelessly even as the blond wished for nothing more than for it to stop. Or better, for the time to go backwards. If only he had seen the other vehicle earlier, if only he had been more attentive, if only he had not focused so much on banalities and-  
  
Toru spun around as he was quite roughly pulled out of the car, but failed to stand due to the shock. Once again he looked at his fiancé, wide-eyed. All the emotions and words he couldn’t voice lied in his expression, but who could master this language anyway.  
  
Taka. Taka could.  
  
All this was too much for him. His head was throbbing and, only now when he lowered it from his upright position, Toru noticed how a small trickle of blood dropped from his forehead. The first emergency responders already rallied around him, dabbing at the blood and supporting him as they headed towards a stretcher that was already prepared for him.  
  
“Taka…,” he managed to whisper in a rough voice, he wanted to turn around to the small body but his legs wouldn’t obey, and cursing them would have been too straining. No one noticed his silent pleading. None of the responders did, let alone the man it was directed to. It was hopeless and frustrating.  
  
“Sir, please lay down, we will treat your injuries and bring you to the hospital afterwards.” Toru complied with the first aider’s instructions rather unconsciously since the others kind of enforced it upon him. He didn’t care, he couldn’t care less about anything. Anything except for the small curly-head, whose presence had never felt more distant. The blond wanted to cry, scream, pray to every existing God to turn back the time and spare him all this suffering, and curse them if they wouldn’t. Never in his life had Toru felt more incapable, never in his life had he felt lonelier and never in his life had he hated himself so much for something he did as he did now.  
  
“Hey,”, he burst and grabbed a passing police officer by the hem of his jacket. At least he was able to do that. The officer turned around. “How is he?” Weak but determined Toru tilted his head in Taka’s direction and noticed how the man averted his attention for a second as if he’d thought of something unpleasant. Something cramped up inside Toru.  
  
“He’s alive but for now that’s all I can say.” A part of the blond relaxed whereupon another started tensing up since the officer couldn’t give him proper information. More sirens sounded in the distance. “It wasn’t your fault, the driver of the other car involved in this accident obstructed your right of way. He’s dead.” Suddenly, Toru remembered the black car that had appeared out of nowhere on Taka’s side. The whole incident repeated itself before his eyes, how he’d wanted to accelerate in order to move out of the way, how he had joked around with Taka just moments before only to screamed at him out of nowhere, as the previously unnoticed headlights were headed towards them, how he had outstretched a hand to reach for the other even though it had already been too late. Everything came over him again, adrenaline shot through his body and filled him with panic, and with wide open eyes the blond rose and threw up uncontrollably just a second later onto the asphalt next to him.  
  
“Towel!”, called one of the men dressed in red, and received the requested object just a few seconds later, dabbed Toru’s mouth and carefully pushed him back onto the stretcher, before moving. The blond wanted so desperately to cry but he couldn’t. His body felt so cold and lifeless, as if it wasn’t his own.  
  
“Taka…,” he muttered again but this time loud enough for the first aider, who had previously given him the towel, to turn around. His hair was black and curly. Similar to Taka’s. Again Toru felt like throwing up and tried to suppress his urge this time, but he wouldn’t be surprised if his body acted against his will once again. It didn’t matter anyway.  
  
“Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what has happened to your friend but I assure you that he’s in good hands. The way things are now, you’ll be brought to the same hospital but luckily you won’t have to be put in the ICU.” There was a lot about those sentences that the blond wanted to correct. That Taka wasn’t his friend but his fiancé, that no matter in whose hands the small man was, Toru wouldn’t be reassured in the slightest, and also that you should definitely not talk about luck if the person who meant everything to you had to be warded in the ICU because of you. There was a lot about those sentences that the blond wanted to correct, but he didn’t have the strength to. They were in the ambulance by now and the blond could feel how the first needles found their way into his skin, how the first bandages were wrapped around his body, and how the sirens gradually became quitter, as the vehicle departed the accident site. Away from Taka.  
  
“You had incredible luck making it out of this crash with only a few bruises and sprains. Your guardian angel must have been watching over you.” Again the inappropriate usage of “luck”. Which part of all these circumstances was luck? Why hadn’t it been him instead of the small vocalist who had nothing to do with the whole situation leading to the accident, who’d only sat next to Toru and even reminded him minutes before that he should concentrate better on the traffic. Why did it have to be Taka?  
  
“He has,” he answered evenly and only stared at the ambulance’s white ceiling while the vehicle’s sirens sounded so far away, as if obstructed by a thick glass wall. His eyes felt like burning and he almost believed that he’d finally be able to shed tears, but nothing more than the prickling in his eyelids ensued. Slowly, he closed his eyes as the effect of the medicine kicked in. What had his guardian angel done to deserve this?  
  
\- - -  
  
“I can’t stand this sound anymore.” Toru referred to the sirens and looked in the direction the ambulance had departed in, and wondered who had lost their loved one this time. Immediately his chest started cramping and he sighed.  
  
“We meet up at Tomoya’s, we thought this was better than spending our time in public, since…you know, since you probably want to rest and to be honest you really need some anyway.” If the circumstances had been different Toru would have smirked at his best friend’s concern, but instead he simply nodded in agreement and looked out the window again. He didn’t feel the need to speak; there was nothing he wanted to talk about anyway. Aside from nurses, doctors and policemen he hadn’t seen many people over the last week and was completely fine with that. Even though his band members only meant well, if he had been the one to decide, he would have continued to watch over his fiancé by his bed day and night. However, that was not possible any more due to his discharge from hospital. Why hadn’t he sustained at least one bloody fracture? That way he could have stayed admitted in the hospital for longer and wouldn’t have to limit his time with Taka to the ridiculously short visiting hours now.  
  
“…ay?” Taken out of his thoughts, Toru averted his gaze from the raindrops speckled window - not that he’d really paid attention to the scenery outside anyway - and looked at Ryota, who had stopped at an intersection. Apologizing.  
  
“Sorry, was wool-gathering, what did you say?” The brunet only gave him an understanding smile, as his friend looked at him with a lost expression. The already existing eye bags of the blond seemed to be even darker lately while his light hair laid heedlessly over his forehead. It seemed as if the elder hadn’t slept much over the past few days and although Ryota didn’t like the idea of his best friend not giving his body enough rest, he could understand his behaviour considering the circumstances, wherefore he didn’t dare to approach Toru with this topic. At least not directly.  
  
“Don’t mind, I just asked whether you’ve already eaten today? Otherwise we could order something at Tomoya’s if you want. I mean, we could also cook something but being the three of us that task is most likely determined to end as a fairly serious catastrophe.”, Ryota guessed and started the vehicle again because of the green traffic light. Toru forced himself to smile to express his appreciation for the younger’s well-meant words, although his eyes started burning again. If they had met up in a group of four it had always been Taka who cooked and gave them instructions, hoping that the three musicians would one day be able to care for themselves without his help. But now, without Taka, there would be no one standing in the kitchen, looking at them so very judgingly as they chopped their vegetables in a clumsy manner or struggled to use the various cooking utensils. There would be no one hitting Tomoya with a wooden spoon out of nowhere just because they’d felt like it. There would be no one standing in front of the stove, tenderly kissing Toru’s cheek in the absence of the others and acting as if nothing had happened afterwards. There would be no one who-  
  
“So?”  
  
“No. No I haven’t eaten yet. But to be honest I don’t know whether I’ll be able to.”, Toru admitted. He wouldn’t tell Ryota that for days his daily meal consisted of nothing more but water and one chocolate bar, which he bought routinely from the hospital’s kiosk in the morning. He didn’t want to worry the bassist even more. After all, he and Tomoya suffered from the situation as well. Taka was their closest friend.  
  
“I don’t expect you to eat a whole pizza, all I want to see is you giving your body at least a few needed proteins because, judging from your appearance you really need some, zombie.” Ryota tried to sound casual, wanting to distract his friend a little. From the corner of his eye he could see how Toru’s lips twitched a little and was satisfied with that reaction.  
  
They spent their remaining drive in silence, which felt good to Toru, before they turned to the lay-by belonging to the apartment complex in which Tomoya lived and parked the vehicle.  
  
Some time had passed since Toru had last visited their drummer’s place. They met up at Taka’s most of the time simply because his apartment was bigger, but also because, compared to Tomoya’s and Ryota’s apartments, his was located closer to downtown. The blond didn’t notice any changes from his last visit as he followed the brunet into the building, after they had rung the doorbell. Actually Toru had never paid much attention to this environment since he’d always been involved in passionate discussions with his bandmates whenever he came over.  
  
On their way through the staircase the blond reached for the iron handrail to steady himself, since his legs still felt a little weak, probably due to all the medication and the lack of activity in the hospital, as a loud clunk reached his ears. As if shaken awake Toru stopped and examined his left hand, after he had loosened his grip from the handrail.  
  
“The ring…,” he muttered rather to himself, since he hadn’t noticed yet that his best friend had stopped walking as well and now surveyed him with worrying  eyes.  
  
The metal sound had come from his silver engagement ring when it touched the dull handrail during Toru’s manoeuvre. Absentmindedly, Toru took the ring from his finger and caressed the squiggly gravure carefully with his finger.  _Takahiro_. Usually, the object’s spectacle reminded him of Taka and himself being bond to each other forever since the curly-head wore the counterpart, but right now it triggered the exact opposite reaction.  
  
His curly-head wasn’t wearing his ring and Toru wasn’t sure whether he would ever be able to do it again. He would put in back into the box he had used for proposing to Taka, placing the little treasure in the back of one of his drawers. Together with his own ring. Along with the ring, Toru had also taken away Taka’s past, only because of his own stupid pride, because of his fear of having to face a future without Taka remembering him. Without Taka loving him. Toru would get the ring back sooner or later anyway, so what difference did it make? Why should Taka fall in love with him a second time, why should such incredible luck happen to the blond a second time when he’d failed so miserably to protect his loved one? But what right did he have making these decisions, to decide that Taka should start again at the very beginning without him as his fiancé? It was pathetic, it was cowardly. But how could he endure seeing how the curly-head had not the slightest idea who he was? How was he supposed to look at Taka as a normal friend again – and possibly for the rest of his life? And how the hell was he supposed to acknowledge the person’s presence if they were still the same but knew nothing about themselves when until just weeks ago they’d always been the most important thing in his life?  
  
Without Toru realizing it, he sank to the floor, clutching the ring tightly, and began to cry tears of despair.  
  
The warm water pelted onto his skin and the steam spread through the whole room. Tomoya’s suggestion that he should take a shower first to refresh himself proved to be right since Toru now felt a little more awake even though his eyes were still burning from the hot tears he had shed in the staircase around an hour ago. Turning off the water, the blond stepped out and grabbed one of the white towels to dry himself before slipping into the clothing that Tomoya had prepared for him. Toru always had some of his stuff stored at his colleagues’ apartments in case they decided to have a sleepover whenever song writing took longer than expected. Dressed in fresh clothes he started rubbing his light hair with another, smaller towel, at least until it wasn’t dripping wet anymore.  
  
As the guitarist stepped into the living room his friends were already waiting for him, sitting in front of the pizza they had ordered before. He should eat at least one piece otherwise he would most likely have to go to hospital again, not because of Taka but due to poor nutrition.  
  
“Thanks,” he silently said.  
  
“You’re welcome.” Tomoya smiled at his friend. “I hope you’re feeling a least a little better.” An approving nod came on the part of the blond.  
  
“Yes,” he answered but wiped away a certain moisture from his eyes. He felt his eyes getting wetter with every second he spent thinking of Taka, wherefore he needed to distract himself now lest he actually started crying again.  
  
Ryota tapped on the empty space next to him on the sofa, indicating for Toru to take a seat. Slowly, Toru took his place next to his best friend and only stared at the pizza for a while, noticing that the box had already been opened since the others had started eating by now. Finally he grabbed a piece and took his first bite, to which Ryota and Tomoya sighed, relieved that their leader finally gave his body a treat again.  
  
“How is his condition now…?” Tomoya asked cautiously.  
  
Toru looked up and cringed as everything came back to him. Putting the pizza back he went silent for a moment, didn’t know how and if he should answer. It was their right to know how their frontman was doing at the moment, yet it somehow felt wrong to Toru because, after all, he was the person who was closest to Taka, and vice versa. At least that was how it’d always been, until now.  
  
_Selfish_ , he thought to himself.  
  
How Toru wanted so much to live in the past when everything still was perfect between them, the relationship they’d thought would last forever. And now it was gone. Just like a bubble, way too pretty to be permanent. They had lived in this shimmery artwork so peacefully, but the accident, responsible for their lost future and for Taka’s condition, had been the needle that destroyed this beautiful rainbow coated bubble and let Toru fall to the present’s cold asphalt, while Taka would probably succumb to his lonely past.  
  
Was it true? Was there no  _forever_? It had been Taka who promised him through a song that something like  _forever_  existed and that he would always stay by Toru’s side. Only Taka was able to write songs about things no one, not even Toru, was able to put into words. Songs full of hope.  
  
But now there was this wall Toru didn’t know the thickness of as long as he hadn’t figured out yet how much Taka could actually remember. Somewhere, even though it was just a tiny spark, Toru still imploringly hoped the curly-head was able to remember their relationship at least in the slightest; they’d been so happy with each other after all, even engaged in the end. Surely something like that couldn’t be forgotten?  
  
One thought led to the next, bringing forth more and more emotions. They were so overwhelming, the pain piling up inside the blond’s head. The photographs that had caught all those unforgettable moments of them hung in their apartment, reminded those who passed by of a time that might never come back.  
  
“Toru?” A hand that waved in front of Toru’s face brought him back to reality. Ryota looked at his best friend worriedly, placing his hand on the elder’s shoulder.  
  
“He’ll most likely never be the same again…,” Toru whispered as some of the familiar salty tears fell from his eyes, running down his cheeks. Although his friends could only vaguely imagine what he meant by that, they didn’t ask any further. Ryota let his hand wander from the blonde’s shoulder to his neck, pulling him onto his own shoulder and leaned his head against the guitarist’s.  
  
The vocalist had been everything to him and Toru had been everything to Taka. Both had experienced and endured so much with each other. Back then Toru had been by his side when no one else was, cockered him and eventually made him join the band. Taka had gained so much self-confidence from all this to the point where he was barely recognizable, and Toru had been so proud of him. Of the little man who dared to do something again after running away such a long time…  
  
Toru was brought home that evening by his colleagues after they had tried to calm him down with all that they had. He was thankful that his friends were with him, that they shared kind of the same misery, but he wanted to be alone for now. The enormous storm from before had reduced to ice cold rain by now, falling down to earth incessantly.  
  
“You know where to find us in case you need something.” Toru nodded appreciatively, opening the passenger side’s door and waving his friends goodbye before heading into his apartment that held on to so many – way too many – memories of the vocalist.  
  
Entering the dark hallway, Toru switched on the lights, and closed the door. It felt as if he hadn’t been here for ages. The moment he was about to take off his shoes he noticed the newspaper that was laid on the floor in front of him, having been left there by the postman who had pushed it through the mailslot in the apartment door. The headline on the cover was written in a bold, black font yet Toru was much more triggered by the picture next to it as he picked it up to read it.  
  
_“…the driver_ _survived with minor injuries_   _while_ _his_   _passenger_ _was taken to hospital after sustaining a head injury from the crash. According to various sources, the passenger’s condition is now stable, but he will remain warded until further notice_   _. The_ _driver of the other vehicle was already pronounced dead at the scene of the crash_   _from…”_  
  
The article’s lines that caught Toru’s attention broke off as he turned away from the black letters. No matter where he was, or what he did, he was always reminded of that fateful day. Over and over again. As if one was sadistically forcing guilt upon him. His sadness slowly turned to anger so that the papers in his hand formed creases before they started ripping apart until strength left the blond and he dropped the ball of shreds onto the floor. It was useless. Getting rid of the article didn’t mean getting rid of that memory.  
  
He’d love nothing better than to be with Taka again, to take care of him and to be there when he opened his eyes again. But it would probably drag him down even further seeing him lying there. Motionless.  
  
Moving into the living room, he let himself fall onto the soft sofa. Toru noticed how the sleep he’d been missing out on for days tugged at him the moment his head rested upon one of the black cushions. He didn’t have to spare another thought about it because he fell asleep just a few seconds after acknowledging his fatigue. Even when the weather outside escalated into a storm again with the wind howling through the window panels, the leader remained unfazed. Too much had the past few days taken away his breath and strength and now, even if only for a few hours, Toru could forget about all of it. Everything was dark and silent in his head, not a single dream playing its way into his mind. Even the young bandleader’s mind was far too exhausted for something like that.  
  
It was late afternoon as Toru woke up the next day, only now realising how much his body had actually needed the rest. Brightly, the warm sun shone though the louvered blinds and caressed the blond’s immaculate features, eventually waking him. He sat up, yawning sleepily. After stretching and rubbing his eyes he took a look at the black clock, hanging on one of the living room’s walls, letting him know that it already was 5pm. Having messed up his schleeping schedule completely by now he had slept ridiculously long and was still half-asleep when he was about to call for Taka until reality reached his mind. The only things that remained of the elder were the pictures.  
  
Rather hesitantly Toru got up, walking slowly towards the bedroom. A king-sized bed in which they had stolen so many nights from each other stood in the center of the room before him. But now it was empty. There was no Taka to wake him up tenderly by breathing loving kisses onto his soft skin. No Taka to mesmerise him with his beautiful voice whenever he was working on a new song.  
  
Toru had to suppress all those moments now – together with Taka. Even if they hadn’t taken too many pictures together, the ones that Toru hung up so proudly back then to be reminded every morning of how lucky he was, would soon be taken down by him. He would make himself forget about them just like he did with the engagement ring that Taka had received from him not too long ago. Toru drilled the same lie in his head over and over again; he was doing this to protect the curly-head. To not confuse him any further. Yet it appeared much more likely as if he’d put an end to all of it before he could break them apart because Taka couldn’t remember their relationship. Taking down those captured moments with Taka meant that a lot more would disappear for him as well. How selfish, even if he did it with a hurting heart. Again the intangible burning made itself felt.  
  
One after another they were taken down, carefully stowed into a drawer of his nightstand as Toru sat himself on the bed, holding the final picture frame in his hand. It showed Taka, grinning into the camera. His heart hurt, his eyes burnt, yet he kept it along with the other photos before he could start crying again. He focused on the furniture instead, distracting himself after having closed the drawer. It was the right decision. He did the right thing.  
  
A buzzing sound snapped him back to reality and the guitarist noticed his iPhone vibrating in his pocket (the blond had neither managed to get undressed the night before nor to put his smartphone somewhere to charge). Toru fished the silver object from his pocked and widened his eyes as he saw their manager’s name on his phone’s screen.  
  
_“The hospital called. Taka_ _is awake_   _.”_


	3. Part 1, Chapter 2

Like running into a wall, he was welcomed by the all-too-familiar smell of disinfectant, as he breathlessly stepped through the glass entrance of the hospital he’d spent so many hours in over the past weeks. It was silent around the reception area. Silent enough to make his very own heartbeat the loudest thing the blond had ever heard. The throbbing inside his ears seemed to be the rhythm his body now had to follow. Toru’s hands were wet. He wasn’t able to tell whether it was because of his own sweat or due to the rain he had chosen to ignore on his way to the hospital. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter right now. Not to Toru.  
  
Ignoring the nurse who approached him to most likely offer her services, Toru headed towards the staircase. Using an elevator was out of question; not being able to influence or even decide the pace in which the machine moved would drive him crazy. His smartphone poking into his thigh almost provokingly as he took the first two flights of stairs at once, reminded him of their manager’s text message that was still opened on his display if he would unlock it. His heart was still beating wildly or perhaps even more. Taka was awake. He would be able to talk to him again, to listen to his voice, to see him smile, to play with his fluffy curls, to kiss him.  
  
Abruptly, Toru came to a halt, couldn’t make out his own pulse for a few seconds before he came back to reality. Right. There was the possibility of Taka having amnesia which meant that he might not remember him anymore let alone everything that happened between them.  
  
How was Toru supposed to act? Was he even able to endure being in Taka’s presence? What if he started crying, what would Taka think? Something inside the blond broke apart and fell onto the already existing pile of fragments in his soul. What was he even thinking? It would do nothing but hurt to see the vocalist. It would only confuse Taka if he had to face Toru already. But only if it were true what the doctors said.  
  
In the back of his mind he started to play with the thought of turning back and simply disappear again, pretending he had never planned to visit Taka in the first place, but as Toru turned his head and looked at the grey stairs, nothing in the world felt more wrong than running away. He couldn’t do this to Taka. And he didn’t want to do this to himself.  
With an onerous feeling inside his chest he continued to climb the stairs which turned out to be a lot harder now because of all the worries that now rested upon his shoulders like an additional weight, making taking every step a huge effort. A part of him wished for nothing more than to finally see the person he loved more than anything awake again, yet another part of him was so afraid of this very encounter that Toru started feeling nauseous whenever he started giving in to it.  
  
**_‘ICU: Intensive Care Unit_ ** **_↱_ ** _’_  
  
Following his thought would drive him mad sooner or later. They didn’t make sense, simply an objectification of his inner fears.  
  
There was silence on the third level, only the deep laugh of a man could be heard from the distance, followed by a second manly voice. The white clock hanging on the wall told Toru it already was past dinner time. 7 o’clock to be exact. He barely had one or two hours before one of the nurses would come and throw him out.  
  
_‘_ **ICU: Intensive Care Unit’**  
  
Carefully he opened the glass door intending to make as little noise as possible despite the possibility of someone hearing him through those thick walls being ridiculously small. Dusk could be seen through a window on the left side of the corridor that Toru passed but appreciating nature’s beauty wasn’t his top priority right now. Instead he came to a halt in front of a door, the second last on the right. Toru didn’t need to see the plate the name of the patient in this room was written on to know exactly who lay on the bed behind this door. But as he saw the four symbols, fear overcame him again. This door was the only thing still separating him and Taka, the only thing that stopped Toru from pulling him into the embrace he so desperately longed for. This door and the naked fear of the unknown. Never in his life had Toru been more anxious, never in his life had he needed to fight so fiercely with himself. The cold handle in his hand felt like TNT, ready to blow up any second, but Toru wasn’t able to let go because he knew better than to simply drop explosive material like that.  
  
Toru was greeted by cold air and assumed someone had opened the windows previously. From the corner of his eyes he saw the white curtains peacefully dancing in the wind before his look fell on the bed he had spent so many hours next to. He felt his eyes getting wet, felt the urge to wrap his arms around the neck of the person sitting on the bed in a straight position and to be hugged back this time because Taka was awake, he was sitting right in front of him. Toru wished for the elder to touch him, to stroke his cheek and say that everything was going to be okay.  
  
When Taka’s head turned in his direction he could have sworn his heart skipped a beat and for a second Toru forgot to breathe as big brown eyes looked at him through thick curly strands. Taka’s lips looked dry, his cheeks however held a healthy red colour as well as his nose tip. In his hands Taka was holding a paper though Toru was unable to see its inscription. Glued to the spot he stared at the curly head. His curly head. His Taka.  
  
“Taka, I-“  
  
“Toru!” In resemblance to a child whose mother had come to pick up from the kindergarten, Taka beamed at the blond who choked on his own words. His eyes grew wide and Toru feared that tears would once more on this day find their way down his cheeks. Taka knew who he was. “Oh damn, look at you, you look great in blonde!” The elder laughed in a carefree way.  
  
Toru had always loved the sound of Taka’s laugh and was endlessly happy whenever he had the chance to witness this beautiful tone. Now however he was completely unable to register it over the deafening noise of thousands of shards that fell to the ground within him. He felt his limbs growing numb wherefore Toru took little wobbly steps and carefully sat down on the mattress next to Taka’s feet before his body betrayed him and he would actually pass out on the cold hospital floor.  
  
“Everything alright? The doc said you also were involved in the accident. Maybe it would be better if you went back to your room and got some rest? Your meds seem to give a pretty strong kick. I mean, we could continue talking later, no?” Taka was aware of the accident, he had already talked to a doctor, okay. However he didn’t know that Toru had already been discharged from hospital and the blond assumed that Taka also was not aware of the time he himself had already spent here.  
  
“No, no, everything’s fine, I’m fine.” A lie. “It’s just, everything’s a bit… much? I think…” Slowly Toru looked up, met Taka’s worried eyes and wanted to cry. Desperately he forced himself to smile. “Better tell me how you’re feeling.”  
  
“Better than I look.” Again he laughed, raised an arm a lot of wires were attached to as if to show Toru what exactly he meant. “Right after I woke up nurses and doctors came to me to check my data. Said everything was okay and that if it stayed like that till tomorrow I would be able to leave the ICU.” Toru was relieved that at least Taka’s physical condition seemed to be okay, though the bandage around his head said otherwise the moment one saw Taka, as well as the countless wires and hoses their purpose Toru had no idea of. The overall picture of the happily grinning singer in an environment like this was close to grotesque.  
  
“Uhm…the doc told me what happened, I mean the thing with the accident. At first I was horribly worried about you because you weren’t here with me and I had no idea where else you could be, you know. I literally thought of the worst, but they immediately said that you had been a lot luckier than me. I was so relieved,” the elder kept telling and gave Toru a supportive thumbs up whereat the blond might have smiled in a different situation. Toru felt his cheeks growing warmer as Taka said that he had been worried about him, though the singer meant this in a completely different context than the blond might have wished for. He suppressed a sigh.  
  
“And your injuries?” With his chin Toru gestured in the direction of Taka’s head, obviously at the bandage but actually referring to something else.  
  
“Oh, this thing,” Taka started and tugged at the white fabric above his eyes, squinted up to it. “No, don’t worry. It’s just because of a laceration that they couldn’t treat with only a patch.” He soothingly smiled at the blond but then dropped his gaze onto his white bedsheets, stroked a nonexistent crease away.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Toru asked though he most likely already knew the answer and restrained himself from grabbing the other’s hand.  
  
“You see it’s just… the doc said that because I contracted a concussion from the accident, I… with very high probability I might suffer from amnesia which means that I cannot remember certain things.” The definition really hadn’t been necessary but of course Toru didn’t say that out loud. “You know… the accident… I cannot remember it but apparently that’s the case most of the time, apart from that…” He grabbed the paper which he had held in his hand as Toru had entered the room previously and unfolded it. “Apart from that there isn’t much that reveals hints of how much I can actually remember. The nurses said I should write down the people and events including dates that I remember and that they would check on them later. They said I should take my time with it because there’s still the possibility of my amnesia being temporary.” Invitingly he held the paper towards Toru, obviously wanting the blond to take a look at it. The urge to question the competency of the personnel, because they hadn’t simply asked Taka what year they were in, had gotten ignored by Toru.  
  
“I had actually supposed that my memory lapse only covered a few days but since you clearly cannot bleach your hair in hospital I’m not so sure anymore. I guess I missed a little more than that.” Toru’s body tensed as he sensed Taka’s fingers brushing his ear where he touched one of the light strains to feel them almost appreciatively. “Do me the favour and look at the paper to tell me how much I remember, please.”  
  
Toru seriously wanted to deny the elder’s wish but wasn’t able to shake his head let alone say no. He was way too smitten by the singer’s presence and looking at Taka’s pleading eyes only made him more aware of his incapability not to follow his request. With an uneasy feeling in his stomach he read the first lines on the square paper.

 

                _Shinichi Mori: father_

_Masako Mori: mother_

_Tomohiro Moriuchi: younger brother_

_Hiroki Moriuchi: youngest brother_

 

Taka seemed to be able to remember his family, which was a good sign. Toru wondered if Taka remembered the fight he had with his parents back then but didn’t want to ask. If Taka did, he should not be reminded of it. And if he didn’t he shouldn’t either.  
Toru held his breath as he read the next lines.

 

_ONE OK ROCK: band_

_Toru Yamashita: guitarist_

_Alex Reimon Onizawa: guitarist_

_Ryota Kohama: bassist_

_Tomoya Kanki: drummer_

 

Toru stopped at his own name, read it several times without the characters changing. What would he have preferred to see? _Toru Yamashita: guitarist/fiancé_? Maybe. _Toru Yamashita: fiancé/guitarist_? He would have preferred that order even. But Taka didn’t remember. He might never remember and Toru wouldn’t do shit to make him aware of what he once meant to him. He couldn’t do that. Pushing the elder into a life he, the Taka now, didn’t choose would be nothing but wrong. Not telling him about his old one would be wrong too. All the options had Toru feeling dishonest and cowardly. He wanted to hide somewhere, to cry alone, to scream his lungs out until his throat felt sore, until there was no voice left to make noise with. He sat right next to Taka, he even felt his touch on his ear and yet there was this obvious distance between them, a wall he was unable to break down no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he wished for it.  
  
Reading the characters below his name that Taka wrote in an admittedly messy handwriting onto the thin lines of the paper made Toru raise an eyebrow before he came to realise what the listed name below his own actually read.  
  
Alexander was no member of ONE OK ROCK any more.  
  
“Taka.” Wasn’t since a long time. “Alex left the band 6 years ago.”  
  
  
Toru wished for the ability to do it again. Letting the tears roll down his cheeks, admitting to the singer how he actually felt, what was going on inside of him.  
  
But then again he asked himself who it was he cared about in the first place right now. It had to be so much harder for Taka. All those events that had happened over the past few years the singer couldn’t remember made it seem as if his future was already decided. Who could assure Toru that Taka’s memories would come back? Strictly speaking, Taka was wandering in the dark at the moment and would probably continue doing so in the future. What or _who_ could he still remember entirely? Toru didn’t want the singer to close up again, completely unsure of whom he could trust, to whom he could talk to about the things bothering him. Toru now sat on an ice sheet even thinner than before since he wasn’t sure anymore how he had to handle the whole situation. One wrong word and Taka would ask questions Toru had no answer to. He swallowed. What was best for Taka and what did he have to be protected from? Truth be told, Toru didn’t even know if Taka wanted his help in the first place.  
  
Alarmed by the sight in front of him the blond flinched. The singer’s deep brown eyes had turned glassy and started to fill with tears right before a trickle of the salty water found its way down his soft left cheek. Toru was almost tempted to pull the elder into a loving embrace, to kiss his lips and to tell him that everything was going to be alright because he was right here with him. But he didn’t. A burning pain made itself noticed within his chest. Sobbing silently, Taka sat in front of him, too shocked and confused by the truth that had been thrown right at him without warning. He didn’t seem to be angry with Toru though, probably because he knew that he had been involved in the accident too and therefore kind of sat in the same boat as him. Furthermore the singer now at least had certainty about the extent of his memory-loss.  
  
“Toru,” the singer sniffled and Toru looked up again into Taka’s glittering, sad eyes. “Six years…,” Taka said. “Six years…,” he repeated over and over again like a mantra. Something that kept him sane as reality sank in and made him realise how much he’d actually missed. How much he could not remember. How big the hole in his memory was.  
  
Six years.  
  
Over 2100 days.  
  
Toru didn’t stop himself when he moved forward to carefully pull Taka into his arms, not wanting to hurt the elder since the machines around reminded him of how fragile Taka really was at the moment. Toru hesitated for a second before he laid his hand on the other’s back, stroking small circles onto the soft fabric of Taka’s shirt, his own heart beating so wildly that he feared Taka would notice. Even if he did, the singer remained silent; he simply sobbed into Toru’s chest, dampening his pullover. Toru would have loved best to whisper soothing words to Taka, to make him smile again by tenderly kissing his forehead and cheeks, but this was out of question now. What was he supposed to say in the first place anyway? Words like “Things are gonna be okay, I’m sure your memories will come back” would only function as a shield based on a lie that wouldn’t help Taka at all.  
  
Yet Toru didn’t want the singer to feel as if he was alone in a time like this, because the blond himself had been involved in the accident too and therefore stood on the same level as Taka.  
  
“I have always been there for you and this won’t change now, you know.” Taka didn’t answer but Toru felt a slight nod against his chest, and dared to pull the other a little closer. Carefully he let his chin drop to Taka’s delicate shoulder and fought so very hard against the tears that started gathering in the corners of his eyes. He mustn’t show weakness in front of the elder. Not now. Despite Toru’s comforting words Taka started focusing on the fact that his amnesia took a great part of his life and sobbed even harder, filling the silence around them. Toru wished for nothing more than to tell the shivering body in his arms how much he meant to him, and that he would never, ever leave his side. He didn’t have the chance to sink further into his daydream as Toru registered the laboured breathing gradually worsening against his chest. Softly his lips brushed Taka’s curls. So soft, he was sure the singer didn’t even realise.  
  
“Taka, you gotta breathe evenly. Slow down.” Toru had been this close to using a nickname instead of Taka’s actual name but managed to restrain himself at the last second. Taka hadn’t noticed Toru’s struggle to find the right words, melting into the other’s reassuring touch instead and eventually finding a proper rhythm he could breathe in again.  
  
“Six years,” he wept again. And again.  
  
And again.  
  
  
After breaking away from their embrace, Taka had calmed down enough to stop his tears from falling, however it was still more than obvious that he had trouble accepting his current situation by the way he inspected his surroundings in a restless manner. He tried to smile in order to reassure the blond, to convince him of his stability. Taka’s hands were folded on his lap where he pulled on the skin of his fingers now and then, a habit of his whenever he was nervous, and Toru was completely sure the other wasn’t aware of it himself or that Toru knew about it for that matter.  
  
“Thank you,” the elder smiled tiredly though the smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes. Toru didn’t comment on it. He knew that Taka had to deal with a lot of information now, had to accept reality as it was and find his place in life all over again. He had to be lenient.  
  
In order to support the elder, Toru smiled back at Taka and reached for his hand out of habit, to stroke over slender fingers and appreciate Taka’s soft skin once more, only to realise what he was about to do just before he could entirely cup Taka’s hand with his own. He immediately looked up and bewilderedly stared at Taka, feeling his own hand twitching. To his own surprise Taka didn’t seem to mind the contact, judging by his expression. He still smiled at Toru, now actually a little more sincere than before, sending a shiver down his spine.  
  
“That’s what friends are for, right?” Taka added and Toru felt his chest tightening, breathing was hard all of a sudden. It had been obvious in what state Taka’s mind was yet it still hurt like hell, like bloody hell to hear it directly from his mouth.  
  
_Friends_.  
  
Like having burned himself from boiling water Toru pulled his hand away from Taka as they both heard a knocking sound from the door just before Ryota and Tomoya entered the room without waiting for an invitation. _How typical_ , Toru thought. He saw his friends’ faces lit up as they stared at Taka who stared back, obviously shocked. Toru could only imagine what Taka went through right now. Having to deal with three people he basically had no contact with for six years (at least from his perspective) all of a sudden must be more than overwhelming. Toru could see how relieved the two were to see their vocalist healthy and alive. If only they knew.  
  
“Did we disturb you with something?” Ryota’s smile was literal sunshine, something Toru didn’t want to see right now wherefore the bassist received a gloomy look on the part of his friend, also because he could read between the lines and knew exactly what those two were playing at, he just prayed they wouldn’t betray him. Ryota seemed to get the hint, his smile grew smaller. Tomoya on the other hand, was as carefree as ever as he sat down on the other side of the bed, not getting in Toru’s way.  
  
Taka seemed as if he had overheard Ryota’s previous words and now beamed at his friends, having overcome the shock of the first seconds. The singer appeared to be so happy about the presence of the other band members (though it probably confused him a little that Alex wasn’t here too) it almost hurt Toru to look at him.  
  
“Man, you look pretty beaten. How are you doing so far?”, Tomoya asked with slight worry in his voice as he suspiciously inspected the countless wires around Taka.  
  
“It’s not half as bad as it looks. I can probably leave the ICU tomorrow,” Taka assured before telling about the doctor’s prognosis.  
  
The youngest scratched the back of his head, nervously laughing. “You scared the shit outta us! I mean Toru at least had a close shave.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I promise I’m okay so far.” Again Toru noticed how the smile on Taka’s lips didn’t reach his eyes and wondered whether his two best friends noticed this petite detail too, or if it only was an ability of his due to all the time he’s spent with Taka.  
  
He frowned. “But there’s something I wanna know. Things I wanna know.” Toru caught sight of the confusion upon the others’ faces but didn’t interrupt. “How much did I actually miss? What happened back then? I mean with Alex, why did he leave the band?”  
  
Silence. Ever since the actual incident they all had decided never to mention the subject ever again since the band had only barely survived thanks to Toru’s unswerving volition.  
  
Toru saw realisation hit his two bandmates as they now seemed to comprehend how big Taka’s memory loss actually was. Toru had mentioned the possibility of Taka suffering from amnesia various times yet both Tomoya and Ryota had seemed only slightly concerned, constantly assuring him that Taka was going to be okay. Oh, how wrong they all had been.  
The three of them exchanged uncertain looks for a few seconds, wanting to avoid questions like this in general. But Taka wanted and needed answers, they were more than aware of this fact.  
  
“Taka,” Toru started. “Let’s talk about this another time, okay?”  
  
It wasn’t really _okay_ if Taka had been the one to decide, especially because it hurt a little to get rejected like this, but he was smart enough to notice the pleading look in the other’s eyes and accepted his friend’s decision without protest, trusting his word.  
  
As Toru noticed the elder’s acceptance he was about to sigh with relief before Ryota made him change his mind to hold his breath.  
  
“Someone should obviously tell you about a certain time you shared by their side,” the provoking statement was followed by a teasing smile on the part of the bassist that he sent in Toru’s direction. As Taka followed Ryota’s eyes he only grew more confused when the blond didn’t answer his friend who had obviously referred to him judging by their eye contact.  
  
Toru noticed his breath quickening. He now felt completely overwhelmed by all the attention that laid upon him and searched for a way out of this situation. He wasn’t able to tell Taka about them. Not now. Maybe never. He couldn’t, no, he wouldn’t force the elder into a life that he hadn’t chosen himself. That was not how he wanted to be loved by Taka; he wanted him to fall in love with him again, free from obligations.  
  
“I gotta go.” As soon as the words left his mouth the blond got up and had already passed Ryota and Tomoya before they could raise their voices.  
  
“Where are you going?” Taka asked timidly. Ryota and Tomoya too seemed to have no idea what was going on and were just as confused as Taka.  
  
“I…have a date.” This was literally the most stupid excuse Toru could have come up with but at the same time it was the only explanation that would make Ryota and Tomoya realise what he wanted them to do (or rather not do) without being too obvious. “I forgot to message her and cancel it, and not coming without saying a word or even standing her up isn’t my style. Sorry.”  
  
It had become dark as Toru stepped on the street again and he was amazed by himself for not having noticed the setting sun at all despite sitting next to a window the whole time. Ryota and Tomoya would get thrown out soon too so it didn’t really matter if he’d left now or stayed the remaining 10 minutes. Looking up into the dark sky Toru thought about what he had said just a few minutes ago. What a lie he had come up with to excuse himself. He was nothing but disgusted with himself for running away like this, but he just wasn’t able to tell Taka the truth, to be upright honest with him, with both of them. All he wanted was to be with him the way they had been before the accident. Happily in love. However he wished for Taka to choose him on his own, not because he told him that he once had.  
  
He couldn’t see the stars thanks to Tokyo’s light pollution and felt a little sorry for Taka; he knew the elder loved watching the stars and would be sad to see that there weren’t any to look at tonight.  
  
He sighed and started heading home.


	4. Part 1, Chapter 3

Impatiently, Taka darted another look at the white clock hanging on the wall across from him only to notice the minute hand not having moved a single millimetre since he last checked. Still not.  
  
Six days had passed since his awakening in which he had undergone several tests for the doctors to check on his physical and mental condition, ranging from his ability to speak to his motor skills. Despite all his results from the physical tests assuring a perfectly fine condition, the diagnosis for his mental condition received a less favourable reception, having been stuffed somewhere in his backpack because he didn’t dare look at it: Amnesia. Though everyone had assured him the possibility of his memories coming back, he highly doubted it to happen. In most cases the patient would regain his memories within the first 24 hours but this had obviously not been the case. Taka was no pessimist but he allowed himself to be realistic for once.  
  
Nervously he looked at the clock again and suppressed a sigh as he sank deeper into the armchair that had looked like the most comfortable place to sit on, considering the other wooden chairs in the waiting room. Ryota and Tomoya had offered to pick him up since Taka – so it seemed – still had no licence; he wouldn’t have dared to sit behind a wheel and fight his way through the traffic of Tokyo anyway. At least not on this condition.  
  
Toru had visited him every day ever since he had woken up, brought him various items he thought Taka would like to kill his boredom as he waited for time to pass in his bed. Taka thought he had never finished a book so quickly in his life but then again he never had been a big reader in the first place; he was more of the active type, preferring films with lots of gunfire and expensive special effects. From his visits Taka had learned that he and Toru apparently had shared a very close relationship over the time he couldn’t remember anymore, and he was glad that the younger version of himself, the one he now was closer to than ever before, had managed to let someone into his life, someone he could actually consider a best friend. The self-doubt and loneliness still rested heavily on his shoulders - or rather, _again_ \- since Toru had told him that Taka had gotten rid of those feelings a long time ago, yet he could not really imagine what his daily routine was like without having this certain feeling resting within his chest.  
  
Toru couldn’t come today, he had excused himself the day before, saying that he had to settle things with their manager, now that they had to take a break from their work as musicians due to Taka’s situation. Even if Taka was perfectly aware of this whole ordeal not being his fault, he still felt bad for everyone not being able to do what they had always dreamed of doing, though he couldn’t really tell which of their dreams had become a reality by now.  
Intending to silence the voices in his head Taka turned up the volume of his iPod that Toru had brought him a few days ago. Taka had spent most of his time listening to music that sounded completely new to him despite having been released years before. Seeing 2014 written everywhere made him feel more than uncomfortable and he wondered if he would ever get used to it. That, and the feeling of having been part of events he had no memory of in general.  
  
His worry of having grown grey hair in the meantime had been eliminated only hours after his friends’ first visit as he had stood in front of the bathroom mirror for at least 15 minutes checking if his stands still were as fluffy and dark as he remembered them. Looking back at it his reaction had probably been a little overdramatic but since nobody had seen him halfway freaking out over his hair there was nothing to feel embarrassed about, Taka thought.  
  
“Hey, Taka!” Surprised, Taka looked up, barely making out Ryota’s voice through a slower part of Green Day’s 21 Guns and looked into the bassist’s grinning face with Tomoya saluting happily behind him.  
  
“Finally!” Immediately Taka got up and grabbed his black bag that did not only contain his clothing and hygiene supplies but had already been filled the evening before with all kinds of things the singer had received from his friends and even the staff. He received the few valuables that he had worn when the accident had happened as well as various papers authenticating his stable condition when they had brought him breakfast earlier. Nervously, Taka moved from one foot to the other at the thought of being able to finally leave the hospital.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean, man?” Ryota said, still grinning. “We’re right on time, a little early even.” Peaking at the clock Taka noticed the younger was right. They had arranged their meeting at 11am but the minute finger had barely reached the bold written 10. Whatever.  
  
“Have you already settled things with your dismissal and got your stuff anyway? Documents and so on?” Tomoya didn’t appear as relaxed as Ryota. He was in a good mood but still sounded kind of worried.  
  
“Yeah I did, got everything in my bags. Told the docs I’d be gone and thanked them for the hospitality too.” Pleased with himself Taka smiled crookedly. “Can we go now? Please?” Pleading eyes were directed at Ryota who came to realised how much this resembled the behaviour of the singer Toru had introduced to them almost 10 years ago. It gave him the chills.  
  
  
“Did Toru already call?” Staring onto the street in front of him with Taka sitting shotgun Ryota expressed his question with caution due to the sensibility of the topic. Not mentioning what kind of thing Taka and Toru had been before the arrival of certain events had turned out to be a lot harder than expected, especially when Taka asked questions that would inevitably lead to Ryota and Tomoya having to explicate circumstances they weren’t allowed to mention when they were supposed to avoid talking about “the good old times” in most cases. Only Tomoya seemed to take notice of Ryota’s discomfort as he watched his two friends from the backseat. Taka shook his head.  
  
“No, did he want to?”  
  
“Ah, no. I just thought he might because he, uhm, you know, came to visit you every day and so.” The drummer did not dare to join the conversation, especially because he was perfectly aware of his inability to keep his mouth shut. It wasn’t as if Ryota was a big speaker either but compared to him the younger definitely was the better choice.  
  
Though he wouldn’t have said it out aloud, he and Ryota still couldn’t quite understand why they had to keep silent about the relationship Taka had shared with Toru, even after the latter tried to explain his reasons to them in detail. _“The things you do for love”_ Ryota had presumed and it really wasn’t as if Tomoya had never been in love, really, but he assumed that to comprehend what Toru was going through at the moment and what made him do what he did, one had to experience the feeling of loving someone so deeply that ideas like marriage started getting seriously considered. Or so he thought. In the end it was only Toru’s decision and they didn’t have the right to interfere with his affairs, though he knew this was especially hard for Ryota.  
  
“Yes, he did. Actually he took really good care of me. Explained a lot of things and stuff. I’m actually so glad that we became best friends over the past years because to be honest I cannot imagine myself opening up to someone and knowing that I’m actually already way past that point is kinda reassuring,” Taka said and seemed to be somewhat excited about the fact that there was someone in his life he could call a best friend now; that excitement didn’t slip past Ryota and help him with his nervousness at all. If it was up to him, he did not want to be involved in this whole lie any further but the shaking of Tomoya’s head reflected through the rearview mirror reminded him whom they did all this for.  
  
“Yeah, he…I mean he’s very happy to be friends with you too. And he’s very proud of the things you have achieved. I’m glad you two met.” Ryota continued, still with an uneasy feeling. “You two were kind of inseparable.”  
  
“Sounds like an old married couple.” laughed Taka and Ryota choked on his own spit. Tomoya forced himself to smile as Taka turned around, watched the bassist from the corner of his eyes who started coughing loudly.  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous, you weren’t married.” At least Tomoya wasn’t lying but hiding the truth from Taka felt almost equally bad. Especially since both would lead to the same thing eventually.  
  
“Of course we weren’t, man, that would be weird.” Taka smiled and turned back, watching the street again. Tomoya pressed his lips together and secretly prayed for Ryota to start talking again after he had calmed down. Which he didn’t. They drove in silence for a while and Tomoya attentively watched Taka who inspected all the buildings they passed by through the window as if he saw them for the first time. Seeing Tokyo every day hides away the little changes that happened day by day quite well but coming back after some kind of six-year-vacation was overwhelming.  
  
“It’s too bad I don’t remember any of this.” They knew what Taka was talking about without him having to say it. “But not remembering the good times we’ve had is even worse to be honest.” Both of them couldn’t see the face Taka was making. Tomoya couldn’t because Taka looked out the window and was therefore turned away from him, and Ryota couldn’t because he didn’t dare to. “It’s like I haven’t seen you guys in six years. And even if you tell me about all those times, it still feels like you’re talking about somebody else.”  
  
“It isn’t said that your memories will never come back,” Ryota sounded determined and Taka immediately tensed. His friend seemed to have more faith in him than he himself actually did.  
  
“That’s true,” he heard Tomoya agreeing from the backseat. “Who knows, maybe one day when you’re standing in the kitchen, cooking a certain meal, you’ll suddenly remember everything again.”  
  
Taka did not want to crush their hopes with his realistic point of view, and tried to go along with it, smiling slightly. “In the kitchen?”  
  
“Yeah, because you’re the best cook we know. If only you knew how often we begged you to make dinner for us, but most times Toru got hold of the golden ticket.” As the other two started laughing Taka thought about that statement. He remembered himself as a pretty decent cook but claiming that he was somewhere near excellent would be an exaggeration. But then again he forgot a pretty big part of his life after all so there actually existed the possibility of him having gotten better at something.  
  
“I guess there won’t be any delicious cooking on my part any time soon though,” he murmured, not being sure if the others had heard him.  
  
  
The building that belonged to the parking lot they drove into was completely unfamiliar to Taka despite Tomoya and Ryota having promised several times that his apartment was actually located here. It was reassuring to know that he had made it out of that quarter of Tokyo where drunk people slept in front of your door day in day out and you couldn’t tell for sure if your neighbour was involved in criminal activities or not. His previous apartment hadn’t been bad at all (despite its environment) but the place they were heading to now was definitely a complete different deal.  
  
“He will find out about him and Toru if he sees his apartment.” Tomoya had alarmingly been whispering to Ryota after they got out of the car with Taka already being a few metres ahead of them.  
  
The younger had avoided eye contact with his closest friend, just looked at Taka’s back instead, sorting his thoughts. “He will find out if he has to. Toru told us to pick him up and we did.”  
  
Tomoya bit his lower lip as the three of them were climbing the stairs to Taka’s apartment. He was perfectly aware of how little Ryota thought of what they did, or rather had to do, and the fact that the bassist would love to have The Talk with their frontman. Not caring about possible traces of a relationship being hidden behind the door they now stood in front of proved once again to Tomoya that his best friend actually wished for Taka to find out about all of it so they could stop lying to him. And since preventing Taka from finding said traces or even bringing him to Toru directly was something Toru had not mentioned when he had asked his friends for the big favour, it theoretically was nothing they were responsible for.  
  
Ryota looked determined as he gave Taka the keys to his apartment before the latter excitedly unlocked the door with a plate the name “Moriuchi” was written on being affixed next to it.  
  
“Say, did you forget to pay your rent and therefore had to sell your stuff or have you always preferred a rather Spartan lifestyle?” Tomoya knew that Taka was not able to properly answer his question, yet he spoke out the words without giving them a second thought, being too confused by the furnishing in the hallway that nowhere resembled what they had seen as they had visited Taka last. Closing the door behind them as they stepped further into the apartment they noticed that it wasn’t only the hallway that lacked the personal touch they had come to know, since cartons stood in all the rooms they could peek into from where they stood and judging from the look of it someone had previously started boxing his belongings. Though most of the furniture was still where Tomoya and Ryota had formerly seen them, none of the things they remembered spotting here was there anymore. Neither clothing, nor books, not even Taka’s DVDs along with his passionately loved Star Wars collection was to be found.  
  
“I…don’t know.” Taka finally answered, staring utterly puzzled into his rooms. Of course he didn’t. “Maybe I wanted to move somewhere?”  
  
“I gotta make a call.” Ryota announced abruptly and slipped out of the door without explaining himself any further, leaving a confused Tomoya and an even more confused Taka behind.  
  
Tomoya stared at the closed door then back at Taka as awkward silence filled the room. “Maybe you should look at your things? I mean that might bring back memories, no?” He sounded too enthusiastic to actually have faith in what he said and Tomoya was sure Taka had noticed this too, yet the elder didn’t comment on the tone of his voice, simply nodded and averted himself, stepping into what Tomoya remembered as Taka’s living room without saying another word.  
  
Straying from across the room Taka noticed that he actually did remember a few pieces of furniture (their age was obvious but he guessed that they held a special meaning to him and therefore hadn’t been thrown out yet), where smaller shelves and cabinets appeared to be possessions that he had added to his interior within the past six years. The general atmosphere rather resembled the fresh arrival of someone in their new apartment with all the boxes around him and not a single personal piece of property to be found anywhere. Not even pictures Taka had so deeply hoped for to make him at least aware of the social contacts he had established over the forgotten time.  
  
His eyes landed on a black piano that stood against the wall across from him. The same piano he remembered playing late at night back then as he composed one song after another, high on caffeine and enthusiasm. Seeing the instrument had finally convinced him that this had been his place, this had really been the place where he lived before everything had happened. Where he slept and cooked and had invited his friends over for whatever reasons.  
He felt the throbbing of his heart in his throat as he went across the room and inspected the piano from up close.  The lid was open and by instinct he let his fingers wander over the white tiles, appreciating the smooth surface beneath his fingertips, ignoring the dust he swirled up. He felt like it had been so long since he last played the piano but then again that most likely was his own sense of reality that did not coincide with that of the others.  
  
Taka remembered playing on his instruments whenever he felt troubled or confused and couldn’t express his feelings using words, but sitting down now and starting to play with Tomoya standing in the hallway would feel rather awkward in the light of him not feeling at home here at all. Though he knew this was his apartment and everything around him belonged to him, most of the things were completely unfamiliar and did not wake the slightest memory.  
  
Taka sighed as he looked around the room and decided to peek into one of the few boxes laid on the ground.  
  
The carton that stood the closest to him was filled with books, none of which he recognised, and judging from his first look most of them were novels that appeared rather untouched and Taka figured he still hadn’t turned into a book person over the years. Besides the books there also were quite a few magazines stuffed into the box with most of them talking about fashion or music, as well as notebooks, some of them empty, others filled with random letters that Taka recognised as accords and notes probably of melodies he came up with while he sat somewhere, waiting for the time to pass.  
A little disappointed he was about to put the black book back when something dropped to the floor, falling from between its pages, and Taka immediately bent down to pick it up. It was a simple birthday card in baby blue with a pink cake printed in the centre and bold white letters underneath reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Curiously, Taka opened the card and held his breath as his eyes grew big. The inner part of it was empty, the white almost dazzling in the light, except for a few words that were neatly written in black ink in the bottom right corner.  
  
_Happy Birthday, my darling._  
_I love you._  
  
“Taka?” Taka jumped at the sudden voice behind him and frantically put the card back between the notebook’s thin pages, probably creasing a few of them, and held it tightly as he felt his cheeks getting warmer. Turning around he saw Tomoya standing in the doorframe with Ryota behind him who was done with his phone call. Taka was too puzzled to speak and therefore simply stared at his friends, ignoring his heartbeat.  
  
Tomoya raised an eyebrow. “Did you remember something?”  
  
“I-…no, unfortunately, I didn’t,” answered Taka, feeling sorry for having given his friend the wrong idea. He chose to ignore the look the drummer sent in Ryota’s direction as well as the expression their youngest wore.  
  
“I phoned Toru, he said we should bring you over.” Taka simply nodded at Ryota’s words, not knowing what else to do and threw a final glance over his shoulder when they left his apartment, admired his beloved piano one last time, and wondered what else he would have found if he had looked into the other boxes too. Maybe he had missed a major clue, something that would have made him remember everything again or at least something that would have made the mess in his head disappear. But that was okay. This was his apartment He could come back. Anytime.  
  
The real question however was whether he actually wanted to.  
  
They drove in silence on their way to Toru’s. As they had gotten in the car Ryota explained how Taka had indeed planned to move but hadn’t mentioned how far he’d progressed. After having acknowledged this information with a nod, Tomoya was already behind them in the backseat, not once having looked up from his phone. Taka had nothing to say anyway; he was too occupied with what he’d read in that birthday card to come up with a topic to talk about, one that had nothing to do with what happened in his life before today, because whenever he raised a question regarding his past, his two friends suddenly seemed very uneasy. So he decided to drop it. He brushed his thumb over the uneven black book in his hand, repeating those words in his thoughts. At some point in his life there had been someone special. Someone who had been important enough to him that he had kept their cards, and maybe even more. He hadn’t checked the other boxes after all.  
  
Taka peeked at Ryota who was attentively watching the street. Maybe he should ask Toru about it - he was his closest friend after all, or so they said. Taka averted his gaze and watched his fingers that still clutched the object in his lap, feeling mistrust in his chest as he thought about the statement of the guitarist being his best friend, which was more than unfair, he knew that. It had been Toru after all who got him into the band and had done God knows how much for him over the past few years. He had even been the first person to greet Taka when he came to, so there was no point in being wary. Yet he was. Everyone told him whom he was friends with, where he lived, what he had done - he believed his friends, he really did, there was no reason not to, but not having experienced all those things on his own, or not having any memory of it rather made it seem like a film he’d never seen.  
  
The place where Toru lived had also changed, Taka noticed.  Having a park across from it and several families with buggies moving over its parking lot the apartment complex obviously stood in the upper class. It also was located quite near the city’s centrum which was very practical in Taka’s opinion since one could reach the nearest convenience store in no less than 5 minutes and people without a driving licence like him had a subway station within walking distance.  
  
Taka watched a young couple holding their child’s hands as Tomoya spoke up after what felt like hours. “You sure he’s already back home?”  
  
“Yes I am.” Ryota answered, thanking a man who held the door for them. “And even if he’s not, we know where the spare key is.”  
  
The plate next to the white door they stopped in front of read “Yamashita” and suddenly Taka felt himself become nervous again. This whole environment was completely unfamiliar and as he watched Tomoya press the doorbell, he tried his best to calm down again - because flipping over an apartment he’d never been to was ridiculous. This was Toru, this was his best friend.  
  
“Hey guys.” Taka was actually relieved that the tightness in his chest disappeared once he saw the blond opening the door and looked at the bag in his hands for a brief second where he had stored away the notebook earlier. When he looked back at Toru he noticed the younger’s hair being wet and assumed he had taken a shower right before their arrival. Taka felt like showering too, maybe for hours because everything on him smelt like hospital.  
  
“This whole detour was super unnecessary.” Ryota spoke up, sounding a little annoyed.  
  
“I’m sorry, with everything that happened… I just forgot. Sorry.” Toru looked to the floor and Taka found himself more than puzzled at the words exchanged between his friends. Though a part of him was curious to know, another did not dare to ask.  
  
“That’s understandable, I’m not blaming you, I just… man, I don’t even know.” A deep sigh left Ryota’s throat and Taka felt himself stiffen as the bassist looked at him before turning back to Toru. “But we’re not going to be the ones to explain everything; you gotta do that yourself.”  
  
“Yeah I know.” Toru’s voice was low, almost a whisper. “This must be pretty confusing to you, right?” Not having expected with someone talking to him Taka held his breath and took a second before realising that he’d been asked a question. A little flustered he pulled at the hem of his jacket before answering.  
  
“To be honest, I somehow gave up on trying to understand everything.” Toru actually looked at little pained at his words and Taka almost felt himself panicking again, fearing that he’d said something wrong. “But I’d appreciate it if you tell me what’s going on.” This was stupid, he was acting stupid and now he noticed his cheeks were getting warmer.  
  
“I will,” answered Toru and he smiled at him for the first time that day. It somehow eased the situation a little. The blond then turned to Ryota and Tomoya. “Do you wanna come in?”  
  
“Truth be told,” Tomoya spoke up. “I think we should leave now. You can call us whenever you need something. And you,” He turned and faced Taka who, again, did not expect to be spoken to. He had no idea what this was all about so he also didn’t think he’d have anything to do with it. “Better remember how to cook; I can’t wait to eat your beef curry again.” Taka actually laughed at this one, because Tomoya seemed to be extremely enthusiastic about it, so much that it really made him determined to revise his cooking.  
  
“I’ll try.” Giving his friends a thumbs up he watched them head for the staircase again after saying their goodbyes. Toru still leaned against the doorframe and Taka couldn’t help but eye his friend and notice how nicely the blue pullover suited him, fitted against his arms and broad shoulders just perfectly. He only now noticed the obvious signs that Toru had been working out over the past few years.  
  
“It’s pretty cold here, come in.” Toru smiled at him and moved aside for Taka to enter his apartment. The singer thought of the notebook in his bag and all the questions he’d like to ask the younger. He’d have to wait.  
  
It was indeed warm in Toru’s hallway. The walls were painted white with wooden furniture lined in front of them, their dark colour hardly too overwhelming despite the beautiful daylight seemingly coming from everywhere. There must be many big windows, Taka assumed as he put his bags down and took off his jacket and shoes after Toru had told him so. The strange thing was that despite this not being his apartment, a part of him felt oddly at home here, even more than he’d felt at his own place.  
  
“Your apartment looks nice from what I can see. There’s so much light.” Ignoring his belongings for now Taka followed Toru further into the apartment and came to a halt in the dining room, standing before a big table the same dark wooden colour as all the other furniture he’d seen so far. He liked them.  
  
“About that… let’s sit on the sofa, I have to explain something to you.” It troubled Taka a little how nervous his friend seemed to be but accompanied him nevertheless and felt himself at a loss for words when he spotted the huge window that practically took up the whole wall in the living room.  
  
“That’s…,” he started but stopped mid-sentence as he let his eyes wander through the room and halted at a shelf. Feeling a cold shiver running down his spine he stepped closer to it and examined the things being displayed. He felt Toru’s presence next to him but was too distracted by what he saw. The little figure made out of clay was old and had cracked here and there, yet he would have recognised it anywhere, remembering the day his little brother gave it to him so very proudly as if it had only been yesterday. Next to it stood a glass filled with little scraps of paper, their words Taka was perfectly aware of. It had been for inspiration, writing a word down and putting it into the glass until one day he’d felt like writing a song verse. Next to it he spotted a photobook he remembered making when he was 17, genuinely eager and full of new hope because of a band he had just joined.  
  
These were his belongings, personal objects he had expected to see in his apartment, not here. Definitely not here.  
  
“Toru, why-“  
  
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” He turned to face Toru, feeling a little wobbly on his legs but not wanting to sit down. He could trust Toru, he reminded himself. He was his friend, his best friend. But what if it all had been a lie? What if he had messed up big time and now Toru took his revenge having him completely helpless, not remembering anything. And Ryota and Tomoya? Could they have been his accomplices? How long had they planned this? Had they broken into his apartment to make it seem as if he’d wanted to move out when in reality they had destroyed all the evidence leading up to them?  
  
Taka held his face. This was getting ridiculous, thinking they’d actually be able to do something like this was horrible - they were his friends, his bandmates, his _family_. He exhaled and took a deep breath before looking at Toru again who knitted his eyebrows and seem genuinely concerned.  
  
“I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m just feeling a little dizzy, it’s nothing. Just… why are all these here?” If his overthinking wouldn’t stop he needed to see a professional, Taka knew. But first things first, he should listen to Toru now because the blond seemed to be getting increasingly nervous the longer he waited. He was okay and things were going to be okay too.  
  
“Tell me, please.”  
  
“Because you live here. We live together.”  
  
Oh. Taka actually wanted to laugh because now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense. Why else would his stuff be here? The whole case had been obvious from the start. He really needed to keep his paranoia in track or else they’d have a problem. For now he was nothing but relieved.  
  
“Oh, I see,” he eventually answered. “And judging from your conversation earlier you simply forgot to tell me? Good thing I still have that apartment, imagine me running into a complete stranger. God, you really scared me for a second. Had no idea what to expect when you said you needed to tell me something.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Toru smiled and scratched the back of his head, feeling relieved because Taka did not seem to be appalled at the idea of them living together, which had been his biggest worry.  
  
When Ryota had called earlier he denied to tell Taka about his current living situation because he did not want to tell any more lies that Toru had expected from him, and was therefore more than thankful that his friend had already done this much. Why exactly Tomoya and Ryota had decided to bring Taka to his old apartment in the first place was something Toru did not want to question because he could already imagine, they weren’t big fans of what he was making them do to Taka after all.  
  
“So,” Taka started, immediately getting Toru’s attention. “Now tell me about everything, please. What happened with Alex, and how you and I ended up here. What happened over these past six years?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned before, I merged together the first chapters wherefore the number of chapters is now lower than it previously was. But don't worry, the content is still the same.
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fanfiction. Seeing your sweet comments and noticing the kudos being left on this work motivates me so much because translating takes a lot of time and effort. Thank you all sooo much!! <3
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and if you did, please let me know! <3


	5. Part 1, Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features **panic/anxiety attacks** , so if you are in any way triggered by this **PLEASE continue with caution**!!

It was mostly Toru who spoke, trying not to leave out any details that could help Taka understand what had happened to the band over time. He nearly slipped, but still managed not to mention the specifics about him and the elder. He told the vocalist, as they were sitting on the sofa with the soft drone of the television filling in the silence between Toru’s sentences quite pleasantly, that they had decided to move together because of practical reasons. He told Taka that they had done most of their song writing together, and when it came to household chores and daily living that it had proven they made quite a good team, so they eventually decided to form a living community. Toru did not lie exactly, because they did in fact make a good team, and they really had written most of their music together, but those being only secondary motivations for them to shack up with each other was something he of course decided to conceal.  
  
During his whole speech Taka had listened attentively, only asking trivial questions to which Toru could easily respond, much to his relief and gratitude.  
  
“Does anyone still have contact with Alex?”  
  
Toru shook his head. “No, he cut ties with us as soon as the whole thing was over with. He’s back in the US, as far as I know.”  
  
“I see.” Taka looked around the room, still having to process that this was where he lived. He’d always loved when they’d met up at Toru’s old apartment back then - there had been so much going on so it had never gotten boring, and the idea of having a flat-mate made him want to smile, because now it meant he’d never be alone and would always have someone to talk to. However, he managed to refrain himself from doing so due to the nature of their current conversation.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  Confused, he looked back at Toru. “This is all so much information for you and…like, I cannot help you with any of it.” He couldn’t meet Taka’s eyes because thoughts of him being responsible for the elder’s condition started wandering inside his head again, and despite Toru’s desperate attempts to shut them off, he felt his pulse quickening. He knew he should not blame himself - that none of the things that happened had been his fault - but simply moving on with his daily life made him question if certain things could have been avoided… if he had done certain things differently, now and then. “Taka, I am so sorry all of this happened.”  
  
There was long silence between them, as neither of them could figure out what to say next. Toru couldn’t bring himself to speak because he feared that any other words would make him start crying, and doing that in front of Taka now was more than counterproductive. Taka remained silent because he simply did not know how to respond. He knew that he was not angry with his best friend for what had happened. Everyone had assured him that the accident had not been his fault, though Taka never would have doubted that and therefore did not bear a grudge against Toru in the slightest. On the other hand, he was nowhere happy with his current situation and whenever he thought of the fact that he actually suffered from amnesia and couldn’t remember years of his life, he felt like a noose tightened around his throat… it made it hard for him to breathe.  
  
A few minutes must have passed with which they’d spent staring aimlessly at the television, paying no attention to the current programme before Taka quietly raised a voice that sounded thin and was almost shaking, “You don’t have to be sorry, Toru. I know you do and I cannot make you stop because I think I would feel the same if I was in your position, but really things will be fine, I’m sure.” Smiling at Toru, Taka noticed the younger had not averted his look from the television and wasn’t sure anymore whether he had actually heard him in the first place. Intending to reach for his friend, he froze when Toru spoke up.  
  
“What is the last thing you remember?” Feeling a shiver run down his spine when Toru turned in his direction, Taka reverted to his previous sitting position and tried to avoid eye contact with the younger, whose eyes appeared to look right through him with an intensity he was definitely not comfortable with.  
  
“The last thing… like, do you mean something I can visibly remember, or do you wanna know what I feel when I try to fill that hole in my mind?”  
  
“Both.”  
  
“You see…,” Taka started pulling on the skin of his fingers and by now was entirely convinced that Toru was aware of this being a habit he tried to compensate his nervousness with. He had seen him doing it several times over the past few days whenever he had visited him in the hospital after all. “There are several pictures I remember but I cannot tell which of them my last memory is. There’s us 5 fooling around, me going shopping, a taxi I must have called…I don’t know, Toru.” The blond continued staring and Taka did not dare asking him to stop. “But then when I try to remember the past years, there’s nothing but a blankness, there’s no pictures…all I get is this feeling.”  
  
“What feeling?” It might have been his imagination, but Taka felt as if Toru had shifted closer to him.  
  
“I… It’s so hard to explain. There’s like this calm feeling in my chest? Something you feel when you’re at ease, like, when you’re with people you enjoy being around, and you laugh and feel carefree. I don’t remember faces or events or anything, this is all I feel when I try to recall the last moments before the accident. It’s just... it’s not really reassuring, because there’s still blankness and I find that if I think about it too much I start to panic.” To emphasise what he’d said, Taka laid the palm of his hand on his chest where he remembered the indefinable sensation to be. It was weird to think about it and even weirder to actually talk about it, especially since he was perfectly aware of how crazy he sounded and did not want to be concerned about his mental instability any further.  
  
“Taka– ”  
  
“How was the date last week, by the way? I completely forgot to ask you, sorry! Being high on meds kind of messes with your head.” Not having expected such a sudden change of topic, Toru felt himself choking on his words. He’d completely forgotten about this lie. After he’d gotten home that evening he’d drowned his frustration in beer in order to forget about the whole ordeal, though it seemed as if he’d banished the wrong thing from his memory. He absolutely had not expected Taka to bring it up again and therefore was not prepared with a suitable excuse at all.  
  
“Ah, that…you know, I kind of…uhm…imagined it to be different?” Desperately looking for an explanation Toru only noticed after his more or less failed attempt how Taka tilted his head and raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Different?” He suppressed a sigh.  
  
“She’s not my type,” the younger said and forced himself to add a deplorable “Unfortunately”, hoping this would convince Taka. Technically, he did not lie to him (at least not entirely) because with Toru being in love with the vocalist, his interest in women or in other people in general had shrunk to a minimum.  
  
At least it seemed as if his statement had been authentic enough, judging by the saddened look Taka sent him.  
  
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry.” Taka reacted, genuinely heavy-hearted at his friend’s words which somehow bothered the younger when he should actually be thankful for having such a compassionate friend. “I’m sure you’ll find the right one though, you’re a good-looking guy after all.” the elder tried to cheer him up but missed the target. Toru would have loved best to simply tell Taka face-to-face right now that he would never ‘find the right one’, for the sole reason of him not caring about anyone else except for the man sitting in front of him who had fundamentally changed his life. However, he had to restrain himself despite being annoyed by the fact that Taka seemingly felt so much empathy for his situation. Not even a minor spark of relief was to be heard from his voice and Toru hated himself for expecting his friend to react in the most disgusting way possible. Taka had no idea about what had been between them, and the last moments the singer remembered, Toru would have never imagined he’d actually ever date the vocalist, so the least he could do was to assume exactly this response from Taka.  
  
“Don’t worry, really. You’re a good guy, Toru. You’ve always been there for me and whenever I needed help you lend me a hand. I might not remember everything but I can tell for sure that I’m very thankful for what you all have done for me. You deserve someone special, and sometimes you have to wait for this special someone… but you’ll find them eventually.” A smile formed on Taka’s lips and Toru could tell the elder meant what he said, and his words caused a prickling sensation to run through his veins before the blond actually smiled back at him. It tasted bittersweet to know that Taka himself had in fact been that special someone he had mentioned just now, but knowing that he still thought so well of him was enough for Toru, for now. He wouldn’t dare try to push his luck.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
They spent the afternoon organizing Taka’s belongings for the purpose of the vocalist memorising where everything was. It turned out that even though Taka could not remember most of the things they had experienced together, it was still ridiculously easy for them to find a topic they could talk about. Lightheartedly laughing about something one moment and not remembering what it had even been the next, reminded Toru so much of how it had always been. They functioned perfectly together, just like they had before the accident and Toru almost, _almost_ forgot it had ever happened as he watched Taka sing to R.E.M.’s _Losing My Religion_ that played on the radio.  
  
Being with Taka was easy, just like falling in love with him had been.  
  
When Toru had shown him the bedroom Taka’s first question had been whether they actually shared the bed.  
  
“No, we don’t,” Toru had immediately answered, “We alternate with sleeping on the sofa.”  
  
“But, why? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a second bed?”  
  
“We do have a second bed but it’s still in your apartment, and we’ve been too lazy to organise the other room yet.” Looking  over his shoulder Toru had gestured to the unused room in which several shelves filled with documents stood, as well as other stuff the apartment did not have space for anywhere else. Their laziness concerning the room had been the truth, but of course in reality they had shared the bed.  
  
“How long have I been living here anyway?”  
  
“A few months,” a year consisted of 12 months too, so Toru had not lied.  
  
As they cooked dinner Toru noticed that Taka was still as skilled with his kitchen utensils as he remembered him to be, even though the vocalist himself could not remember any of his favourite recipes at all; wherefore they went with something even Toru could cook without issues, despite him being a middle-big catastrophe in the kitchen. He did not know how he should feel about the fact that Taka’s subconscious apparently still remembered these specific motor skills let alone if this was something they were supposed to tell the doctors.  
  
“Assuming that I am…was good at cooking, what did you do?” Scooping  pasta onto his plate, Taka watched Toru finish his bite before he answered.  
  
“What I did?”  
  
“Chore-wise,” the vocalist explained and tried to stuff the chopsticks in his mouth without too many noodles falling off.  
  
“The laundry. Washing and ironing. Cleaning too, though you always found something to correct.” Taka smiled at this, imagining himself scowling at Toru for his sloppy work. As he took another bite of their dinner he thought about the question he’s craved to ask Toru ever since he’d found that card in his apartment.  
  
When they had taken a break earlier Taka had decided to finally listen to ONE OK ROCK’s newer music and noticed a great amount of their songs addressing love. Of course he could not remember why he wrote those specific lyrics but he was absolutely convinced of the fact that he had not simply composed the songs out of a mere mood. Every song he’d ever written had concerned his feelings, or were inspired by an exact event in their lives, so they definitely had been in dedication of someone and judging from the song texts, he’d had earnest feelings for this specific person.  
  
At first Taka had thought that this had been long ago and therefore wasn’t really worth his attention anymore, because first, the few songs he had listened to first were dated back to at least 3 years, and second, there had not been a Special Someone visiting him when he had been hospitalised anyway. But upon discovering their more recent tracks and learning that they were still quite up-to-date he had grown sceptical.  
  
Toru would be able to help him with his questions, he was sure of that, yet Taka did not really know how to properly address the topic. Staring at his half eaten portion he tried to come up with the right words for a suitable approach, which apparently made him seem kind of space out.  
  
“Everything alright?” Toru looked seriously concerned as he lowered his chopsticks and placed them aside. “Are you feeling dizzy again?”  
  
“I- no! I’m okay, don’t worry.” Taking a deep breath the vocalist decided simply to go with what was about to spill from his mouth. “Can I ask you something?”  
  
Toru raised an eyebrow at his friend’s words and leaned back in his chair, “Sure.”  
  
“I’ve checked out our discography and noticed a lot of…love songs, if that’s what you want to call them. I’m just wondering, since I’ve written most of the songs, who did I write them for? At first I thought all of that had passed by now because it was so long ago but there are also a few newer tracks. Is there someone I share this kind of relationship with? I’m so confused because no one has visited me in the hospital.”  
  
Yes, of course Toru knew. All of them were dedicated to him, some of them they even wrote together, sitting on his living room floor with Toru playing the guitar and following Taka’s instructions, now and then leaning in to steal a kiss when the elder took a break from singing their new line. What actually hurt Toru was that Taka thought this person, whoever it was, had not visited him despite them being so important to him, when in fact Toru had been the first one to appear next to Taka’s sickbed.  
  
“You never talked about it,” Taka had obviously not expected this kind of answer and merely stared at Toru who was about to pick up his chopsticks again with the question being answered from his perspective.  
  
“What do you mean, I never talked about it? I must have told you something at least,” Taka approached him, sounding angrier than he meant to. Toru just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
“You would always sit in the living room, focusing entirely on the words you wrote on the paper in front of you and when you were done you would proudly show us your new creation. Most of the time, we did not ask for the background events that inspired you to write specific lyrics. Some were so full of emotions and others so saddening; we figured you’d be the one approaching us if you ever wanted to talk about them. So we preferred not to ask any questions.”  
  
It was barely imaginable for Taka. Wouldn’t he tell his closest friends – especially Toru – everything? What’s with this card he found in his apartment then? If Toru did not know who all the songs had been for, he most likely also had no clue who the sender of that card had been. If it had been a long time ago, why had Taka still kept it? Maybe he had suffered from lovesickness after an ugly breakup? But then again wouldn’t at least Toru know something about it? Why had he decided to keep this person from the others? It all made no sense.  
  
“I really don’t know, sorry,” clarified Toru at which Taka barely nodded his head, having to accept the situation as it were at the moment.  
  
“I think I’ll go to bed early today. I’m super exhausted.” Taka said and pushed away his only half eaten plate. He’d lost his appetite, but seeing Toru’s concerned face made him regret denying any further food. The younger must still be very worried about him. “I’ll eat it tomorrow; I just really wanna get some rest.”  
  
Toru nodded. “Your exhaustion is understandable, you probably have not moved this much in a week.”  
  
They finished the dishes together and Toru moved his bedsheets into the living room after he’d promised Taka that he was completely fine with sleeping on the sofa for the next couple of days. He helped the elder change his patch and clean the wound on his head that already looked way better than it had the first days when nurses had still taken care of Taka’s unconscious body.  
  
“I’ll leave the door ajar in case something’s wrong. Do you need anything else?” Leaning against the doorframe Toru eyed his friend who sat in their bed in front of him, the white bedsheets already covering most of his body. Seeing Taka wear normal pyjamas was somewhat unusual, because normally he had either preferred to sleep in one of Toru’s shirts or in no shirt at all since he’d slept close to another person anyway, so any further warmth became unnecessary.  
  
Taka shook his head. “No, everything’s fine. Thank you, Toru.” He smiled at the blond as he lay down, pulling the blanket over himself. “Goodnight.”  
  
“Goodnight, Taka.” Toru looked at Taka for a few more seconds but averted himself before it got creepy and left the door slightly opened behind him. Strolling back to the sofa he sighed soundlessly as he fell down onto the soft furniture, being welcomed by his soft pillow. Only now he noticed how exhausted he too actually was as felt his limbs arching from all the things he’d done that day. Turning on the television he decided to watch a DVD to distract himself a little from all the events that had happened. At least Taka was here with him again and despite the circumstances being a little different from what Toru had hoped, for the only thing that really mattered was that they were together for now.  
  
Toru half-attentively watched Leonardo DiCaprio being washed up at a coast for what felt like the hundredth time (he really loved Inception) as he thought about what he’d seen when he’d cooked with Taka. The fact that the vocalist could still remember his motor skills meant that his memory power had not been entirely eradicated, right? Toru had no idea where in the human brain an organism processed memories and where it saved new learned motions but somewhere inside his chest the hope arose that Taka would still be able to remember them. Maybe his memories would really come back – he felt like there was a realistic chance. At the hospital the doctors had said that Taka’s amnesia had been caused by the trauma he had sustained during the accident so couldn’t they work with that trauma? Also that sensation Taka felt when he tried to remember what was missing in his memory, could that have been his sub-consciousness that still remembered what he’d felt for Toru? For all of them? There was still hope.  
  
Toru yawned and stretched his body. The day really had been tiring.  
  
  
Something loud caused Toru to open his eyes and abruptly sit up on the sofa. Trying to process what had happened, the blond glanced around a little disoriented and concluded that he’d fallen asleep. He noticed the television had turned off (the film had probably ended hours ago, judging by the moon that shone into the room from high in the sky), and for a moment tried to remember why he was located on the sofa. Why? Oh yes, because someone else slept in his bed.  
  
Alarmed Toru jumped out of the bedsheets and ran the few steps towards his bedroom before throwing open the door, and immediately switching on the light. His knees had almost given in at the sight offered to him. Sobbing violently, Taka had his arms wrapped around himself as he sat shivering and completely distraught on the mattress, and seemed to have problems to control the rhythm of his breath. As Toru entered the room, Taka’s eyes landed on the younger, swollen and red from all the crying, and salty tears wetting his cheeks. Taka opened his mouth, obviously wanted to say something but could not manage to because of his hysteric breathing. Not hesitating for one more second, Toru climbed on the bed and pulled his friend into his arms, immediately starting to stroke Taka’s back in circling motions. As soon as Taka felt the strong body against his own, he grasped for the fabric of Toru’s shirt, holding it tightly as he pressed himself against the other’s shoulder.  
  
“Taka, I’m here. Everything’s fine now, but you need to calm down,” Toru whispered into Taka’s ear as he continued to stroke his back, making sure Taka did not begin to actually hyperventilate. After a while the shivering stopped and Taka’s breathing finally found a healthy rhythm that would allow him to speak. Despite that, the elder remained silent and loosened his grip on Toru’s shirt, letting his hands drop into his lap but kept crying against Torus shoulder, sniffing against the warm body that held him so tightly. Toru had no idea what to do - he had no idea what had happened, what had caused Taka to react like this, he just hoped the elder would eventually calm down and speak to him because not knowing what’s going on drove him crazy.  
  
“What the hell happened?” he quietly asked after a few minutes, and Taka actually managed to lift his head from Toru’s shoulder shortly after he’d stopped his desperate crying. The sight of Taka’s swollen, glittering eyes stabbed right through Toru’s chest and carefully he pushed a few dark curls from his friend’s forehead before gently stroking the remaining tears from Taka’s cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt.  
  
“The…darkness…as I woke up, I…everything was black. Toru, there was darkness everywhere and I thought…I thought I was dead….and alone…” Taka couldn’t finish his sentence, and he started to take shallow breaths again at the very thought of his false awakening.  
  
“No, don’t,” whispered Toru who in reality felt like crying with Taka, because seeing the person he loved like this hurt him more than he could have ever imagined. “I’m here and I won’t go away, promise. I’ve always been there and I will always be there.” Again, Toru stroked over his friend’s cheeks to brush off the teardrops falling from his lashes, this time with his thumbs. “Everything is all right, Taka. I am here.”  
  
“I cannot sleep alone and I need light,” the elder sobbed and looked away, not being able to meet Toru’s eyes any longer when he was so ashamed for being such a pitiful shadow of his former self right now. He bit his lower lip. Taka’s head hurt from crying but at least it distracted him a little.  
  
“Lie down and switch on the bedside lamp, I’ll get my blanket and stay here, okay?” Slowly Toru let go of Taka and examined him for a moment, contemplating whether he could leave the elder alone for a few seconds without him breaking apart again. He seemed so fragile sitting there in front of him with his swollen face and red bidden lip that Toru wanted to kiss so badly. Swallowing down the urge, Toru eventually got up and brought his blanket over. Sitting next to Taka he waited for his friend to fall asleep again which, much to his surprise, did not take long. Toru guessed that the panic attack had consumed every last bit of Taka’s energy allowing the vocalist to snore silently next to  
him, but maybe Toru’s presence had also been a factor for Taka to find rest again so quickly.  
  
Carefully the guitarist eventually lay down too after making sure that Taka was safe and sound, being properly covered in his blanket. Toru knew that there was something wrong with his friend – he’d seen it right before his very eyes, but speculating about what exactly it was at a time like this would make no sense, especially because it was very hard for Toru to stay awake any longer anyway.  
  
It was in the middle of the night, or at least Toru assumed it was, when he was once again brought back into reality by a soft but determined touch on his cheek that woke him up. Drowsy, he blinked a few times until he realised the situation he was in, and also where that feathery touch had come from. Feeling Taka’s body right next to his treacherously reminding him of their peaceful times and for a split second, Toru really thought nothing had ever happened until the powered bedside lamp proved him otherwise.  
  
Taka sat upright on the mattress next to him, probably already awake for a few minutes, and looked at him with a questioning expression on his face.  
  
“’s everything alright?” Managing to sit up as well, Toru rubbed his eyes and yawned before turning to face the elder, knowing he would be super tired tomorrow but not mentioning it.  
  
“Yeah, it is.” Taka mumbled in a low voice and Toru noticed how red his eyes were. Had his friend cried while he had been asleep or was this due to the warm light of the light bulb? “Uhm, by the way, thank you for staying with me, I did not…really have the chance to say that earlier.” Upon Taka interrupting the questions forming inside his head, the blond simply shook his head.  
  
“You don’t have to thank me for something like that,” he smiled and actually dared to reach for the other’s shoulder, giving it a supportive squeeze. Taka felt so fragile under his touch, the bones of his shoulder more noticeable against the palm of his hand than ever before, despite the vocalist always having been a rather petite person. Toru did not dare to think about how much weight the elder must have actually lost. “But you did not wake me just to tell me this, or?”  
  
“No, no, but I felt like I had to let you know.” Taka eventually returned the smile and Toru managed to let go of his friend again, with what had seemed like the sign for the other to continue speaking. “I actually wanted to get some water but I’m not familiar enough with the apartment yet, and also it’s rather dark…”  
  
“Got it, I’ll come with you.” Before the blond even had the chance to process what was happening, Taka had already grabbed for his wrist and as they stepped into the dark dining room, he sensed the elder’s presence so close to his body it actually made him nervous. Toru felt the other’s fingers tighten around him, proving that Taka was actually scared which caused him to worry for him even more when they reached the kitchen. It was only after switching the lights on that he noticed Taka relax before letting go of him completely. Having given him a glass of water, Toru observed as the elder sat at the kitchen counter, emptying his beverage in short sips. Toru leaned against the sink that had filled the glass moments before.  
  
“Since when did this start happening?” Not having thought he would get asked this kind of question now, Taka looked up at Toru, subsequently setting aside his glass and running over its rim with his index finger.  
  
“What exactly?” he asked quietly. It was more than obvious that he knew exactly what Toru hinted at but he was either uncomfortable with talking about the topic in general, or he did not want to admit that he was not as stable as his papers might indicate.  
  
“Your attacks. Since when did that start to happen?” Taka stopped the movement of his finger for one second before he unalterably continued, not looking at Toru as he spoke.  
  
“My first one…was right after I awoke from coma. It was early in the morning and the room was dimmed. I had no idea where I was nor what had actually happened in the first place.” Toru did not miss noticing the shaking of Taka’s hand when he led the glass to his lips again to take another sip. “There was beeping around me, sounds I could not identify. I felt cold and warm at the same time and my head hurt like hell but I could not remember a thing, not a single thing, I thought I was dead. I started screaming until a nurse eventually came into my room. They had to sedate me because I did not react to any of their words and they feared I’d hurt myself because I did not stop wresting out of their hands. Apparently I even started hitting things around me. Later that day you came and I finally realised I had amnesia, though I’m sure the doctors already knew before and just felt like I wasn’t ready for the truth yet. They assumed my panic attack had been stress-induced wherefore they didn’t check on it any further, and I believed them.”  
  
Toru felt himself holding his breath. He wanted to scream at the very thought of Taka having to go through what he had witnessed earlier that night without him holding and reassuring the vocalist.  
  
“When I woke up the second night I knew where all those sounds came from, who and where I was and what had happened but I still panicked when I saw nothing but black around me, just…I thought something or someone was choking me. In panic I tore all the tubes out of my body because I felt like I was suffocating. Even though I was completely disoriented I somehow managed to switch on the lights. I don’t know for how long I sat there on the floor and cried. I felt so…stupid and helpless. And alone.” Toru only now noticed that Taka had started to cry.  
  
“Under a pretext, I managed to get a flashlight from the nurses which helped me to get those attacks under control over the time I spent in the regular ward. As I was discharged I had to give it back of course since it was property of the hospital, otherwise tonight…I mean, I could have…” Taka’s heart-breaking sobs now filled the silence of the room and without further hesitation the blond sat down next to Taka and pulled the smaller man into an embrace, felt the vocalist’s body shake inside his arms for the second time tonight.  
  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Comfortingly, Toru stroked over Taka’s head, the dark curls tickling his fingertips.  
  
“What was I supposed to say?!” Suddenly, Taka brought distance between them and looked up at Toru, all wet cheeks and red eyes. The blond actually winced at his snappy tone of voice, not having expected a mood swing this quickly. “That I’m afraid of the darkness? That something’s not right with my head? It’s not even like that’s something new, since I’ve already forgotten who I actually fucking am!” The dripping sarcasm in Taka’s words made Toru’s stomach cramp so badly that he actually feared he might throw up. It was in the middle of the night, he did not even have half of the energy needed to deal with this kind of crisis now. Seeing Taka like this hurt him more than he could have ever imagined and there was nothing he could say to take his pain away, besides repeating that things were going to be okay like a stupid mantra. Yet honesty was the most sincere thing he had to offer right now.  
  
“You could have said anything, Taka. I would have believed you and offered my help for whatever had been bothering you.” For a short moment Toru hesitated before he palmed the vocalist’s wet cheek.  
  
“I’m crazy, Toru.” Taka sobbed again as he was back to being the broken person he’d been before he had raised his voice. Warm tears rolled over Toru’s fingers and the water felt like acid to him, something that must not be shed.  
  
“Your fear of the darkness is nothing you have to be ashamed of, since it’s caused by a trauma you are not responsible for.” Swallowing down the words that he actually still thought the accident was his own fault instead, Toru found that pessimism was the last thing Taka needed right now. “You’re not crazy just because of something like this. Otherwise the doctors would not have confirmed a healthy condition on your papers.” He felt the other tremble under his touch and watched Taka bite his bottom lip. “It’s okay to cry, Taka. It’s okay to cry when you’re scared. And to me it’s more than okay if you wake me at night whenever you need someone to be with you.” Slowly, Taka leaned forward again, placed his head on Toru’s shoulder and clawed his fingers into Toru’s shirt as if he feared the blond might let go of him any moment.  
  
“I…I should have been honest with you from the very beginning, Toru, I am so sorry.”  
  
They both had lost track of how long they sat in the kitchen with Taka holding on tight as Toru wrapped his arms around him, letting the elder cry his eyes out until there were no tears left that could be shed anymore. Being completely exhausted Taka had eventually let Toru into his fears and worries and, as egoistic as it sounded, Toru felt satisfaction and thankfulness as Taka asked him to keep everything he had said a secret. They had agreed to go and see the doctors again the next morning after breakfast to tell them about Taka’s condition and maybe get medicaments that would help him. After having cried so much, Taka eventually fell asleep in Toru’s arms and for the first time in what felt like eternity the blond carried him to bed, watching the now peacefully sleeping man as he had pulled the blanket over him again. Taka’s eyes had still been red and swollen, and by now dried blood had adorned his bottom lip where he had bitten into it.  
  
Taka did not deserve this, any of this.  
  
“I wish all of this had happened to me, Taka.”  
  
  
Sceptically, Taka considered the white packaging of the medicaments they’d received from the hospital earlier, as they’d seen the same doctor who, back then, had informed Toru about Taka’s condition after the guitarist’s own awakening in the hospital bed. Thinking about having to make sure he’d always have them with him from now on displeased Taka, and he pretty much felt as if he now was at the drug industry’s mercy.  
  
“I don’t trust you yet,” he murmured towards the pills in his hand before letting them slip into his backpack. They’d taken the tube to reach downtown since Toru hadn’t gotten a new car yet, and after having asked Taka what he wanted to do they’d agreed to take a walk through one of Tokyo’s shopping districts, also because Taka wanted to see what had changed over the past few years. As they’d sat at their breakfast table Taka had mentioned that he hoped his favourite shops still existed and had actually been a little shocked when Toru admitted that he had no idea what his favourite shops were in the first place. Upon that, the blond had invited him for coffee and cake at a café an acquaintance of Toru’s worked for, apparently, so whatever the outcome of Taka’s downtown inspection will be, a sweet pastry was waiting for him either way which significantly brightened up his mood.  
  
“Toru, does that big park we often went to back then still exist? I’d like to go there someday, okay?” The vocalist looked around and noticed there had been more changes, more buildings, than Toru had mentioned that morning. Taka could still remember most of the shops, yet there were also a few he didn’t recognise, even entire streets and passages that had supposedly been built sometime within the past five years. Knowing he’d grown up there but was still unfamiliar with so many things felt more than weird to Taka.  
  
In the distance Taka could make out a blue sign with a steaming cup of coffee on it, but only knew this really was the shop Toru had mentioned before as the younger started heading in its direction with Taka following closely.  
  
“Yeah, if you want to. A few years ago they created several big ponds and you enjoyed being around them a lot, especially during the summer months. Mind if we sit outside? The weather is so nice today.” Shaking his head Taka followed suit and took his place next to Toru who had already grabbed for one of the menu cards that were placed on all of the café’s wooden tables. Taka blinked into the sky and silently agreed with his friend’s words. It was a warm day in October, a little windy but still fairly enjoyable due to the pleasantly shining mid-day sun that stood high between only a few clouds over Tokyo.  
  
“That sounds nice,” he eventually answered. Watching his friend from the corner of his eye as Taka had started examining the menu as well, Toru remembered a date he had taken the elder out on a few months ago. It had been spring, cherry blossoms blooming everywhere and Taka running away from him as he had tried to put one into his dark strands. He must still have pictures taken on that day somewhere. “The trees there must look very beautiful at the moment too.”  
  
“They do, I’m sure.”  
  
“I’ll take a cappuccino and a piece of that chocolate cake.” Taka decided and pointed at the picture of the admittedly delicious looking cake with deco cream on top that was illustrated in the bottom right corner of the menu.  
  
A wide grin appeared on the blonde’s face. Some things would probably never change.  “You always do.”  
  
“It’s subconscious – my body craves the chocolate,” Taka noted at which Toru laughed. It was a dangerous thought, he knew, but Toru actually felt like this was something similar to a first date with them joking around yet still retaining a safe distance between them - just like two people who knew they liked each other but still had to test how far they could go before getting into anything serious.  
  
However, his ringing phone brought him back to reality.  
  
“It’s Ryota. Please place my order as well in case someone approaches you. I’ll take an espresso and treat myself with this beauty of a cake as well,” Toru said and got up to accept the call a short distance from their table, in order to be able to talk without ruffle or excitement. Taka smilingly nodded before he continued to flip through the pages of the menu out of fun and curiosity, actually playing with the thought of ordering another dessert because the pastries all looked - at least on the pictures - delicious.  
  
“Have you decided on something already?” asked a manly voice that had appeared next to Taka – it most likely belonged to the waiter.  
  
“Ah, yes we have,” the vocalist answered and carefully put down the card in order to look up at the man.  
  
When he actually met the other’s dark eyes, Taka couldn’t help but speechlessly stare and he was not sure if ever in his life he had felt his own heart beat this heavily before.

 


	6. Part 1, Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features **panic/anxiety attacks** , so if you are in any way triggered by this **PLEASE continue with caution**!!

“See you later,” Taka called into the apartment, putting on his jacket.  
  
“Take care!” Somewhere from the direction of their bathroom Toru’s voice could be heard, and the vocalist just smiled to himself as he closed the door behind him.  
  
It had somehow become a routine for him to get them donuts for breakfast from the coffeeshop they’d been to a little over a week ago. The shop wasn’t far from their apartment wherefore it was a great opportunity for Taka to go for a walk which was something he very much welcomed. He didn't really know who to contact in terms of going out, aside from his band mates, which was why this daily little walk helped him to feel at ease. Despite him wanting to go out and meet new people, his body seemed to betray him whenever he was confronted with new situations. He still struggled with certain tasks - the smallest things made him feel anxious and more than once he'd woken up from a nightmare, breathing heavily and covered in sweat, having to wake Toru up because otherwise he wouldn't be able to calm down again. Taka was still fighting his way back into a normal life and being able to do the same thing every morning kind of gave him steadiness, it was a start.  
  
_“Two…two pieces of the chocolate cake. And a cappuccino and an espresso. Please.” Still staring at the waiter Taka more or less managed to place their order without embarrassing himself to the maximum, although getting the words out in the right order had been surprisingly tough. He was so nervous,_ _and_ _meeting new people seemed to really stressed him out._  
  
_“Takeru, how are you?” Toru had come back to the table and took his seat next to Taka, placing his phone next to the menu card his friend had previously put down again._ Takeru _, Taka thought, repeating the name in his head._  
  
_“Fine, fine. It's been a busy week so far, the autumn specials are totally well-received, as expected, you should try our pumpkin spice latte one day.”_  
  
_Taka couldn't stop himself from examining Takeru’s face and how is features moved when he spoke. Big brown eyes that were framed by long lashes looked at Toru as the waiter answered his friend’s question_ _,_ _and Taka didn't fail to notice the man's pretty lips that reminded him a lot of Toru’s at first but were actually very different upon second glance._  
  
_“I'm not a fan of pumpkin spice, sorry.” Takeru had brown hair that was long enough to be tied in a ponytail_ _at_ _his neck_ _,_ _and if Taka hadn't met him at his work place for the first time he probably would have assumed the man was a model or an actor, judging from his handsome appearance. “That's Taka by the way, don't think you two have met before.”_  
  
_“No, we haven't.” It took a moment for Taka to realise that the topic had switched from coffee to his own person and as Takeru held out his hand to shake his_ _,_ _he looked at the other a little baffled. It wasn't really because of the more or less uncommon gesture but rather due to the man’s overwhelming charisma that almost made Taka feel intimidated. “I'm Takeru Sato. You can call me Takeru.”_  
  
_“Takahiro Moriuchi,” he eventually answered and shook Takeru’s hand. “Taka is fine.”_  
  
Taka got along with Takeru extraordinarily well and although he knew he'd never met the younger before, starting a conversation with him felt easy and natural, as if they'd been friends for a long time already. He liked Takeru. The man was fun and kind and also very patient whenever Taka had a question or even problems dealing with the amount of people in the shop. Crowds made him feel nervous when he was all by himself but he figured that he had to face his fears in order to overcome them eventually.  
  
Taka pulled the collar of his jacket higher as the wind blew through the streets quite roughly. Looking above him, the vocalist noticed clouds darkening the sky and remembered the weather report he’d seen on television a few hours before - how the lady in red had said thunderstorms were to be expected because they were starting to approach winter.  
He didn't like thunderstorms, not at all. They stressed him out and made him feel anxious and it was hard for Taka to face this fear of his; when there was thunder and lightning everywhere around him, there was no way he could focus on his own breathing properly. He quickened his pace, wanting to get back home as soon as possible.  
  
The café was somewhat lively as Taka stepped over the threshold. Only a few people were spread around the room, sitting at the dark tables, the rest (about 13 people if he were to guess) stood in the long queue leading to the counter, behind which a woman with red hair gave out their orders. There was an older man close to the entrance who considered Taka for a brief second as he entered the shop, looking up from his MacBook, and the vocalist felt uneasy as his dark eyes that were hidden behind thick glasses roamed over his body.  
  
“Taka, good morning.” The man almost sighed in relief at the sound of the familiar voice and turned around to see Takeru standing behind the counter, holding a paper bag in his hand and completely ignoring the people turning towards him that wanted to know who had spoken up. 10 days had passed since their first encounter and in that timeframe Taka had come to pick up the very same order every morning which again had caused a routine to emerge for Takeru as the man now always prepared his order (two donuts: one with dark chocolate and one with powdered sugar and strawberry jam) beforehand. The first few times he’d come to the shop the two of them had only held the usual “may I take your order?” conversation, until one day Takeru had asked Taka if everything was alright since apparently he looked “kind of pale”, caused by his discomfort around too many people that the vocalist had eventually admitted to the other. By now they knew each other well enough to exchange as many words as the customers allowed them to, since Takeru could of course not neglect his work only because of Taka’s presence.  
  
The low drone of jazz music played from the stereo, engulfing the shop in a pleasant atmosphere.  
  
“Morning.” Ignoring the looks two teenagers that stood in line gave him, Taka shoved past them to reach the counter. Takeru had told him a few days ago that he didn’t have to wait to place his order when it had already been prepared anyway, especially because he enjoyed ‘friendship privileges’ after all. “Stressed?”  
  
“Nah, it’s fine, the usual morning rush,” the man smiled, looking around the room. Most of the people in line seemed to be students, Taka guessed, judging from their uniforms, and he actually recognised a few faces, belonging to people who appeared to come to the shop just as regularly as he did. “What's with you? _You_ look somewhat stressed.” Taka gave Takeru the money in exchange for the brown paper bag the younger handed over the counter, on which the shop’s logo, a steaming coffee cup, had been printed. He chuckled nervously and pushed his curls from his forehead.  
  
“I guess I actually am,” he answered and dared a look out the window where it had gotten significantly darker already. It would definitely rain soon. “I'm not a fan of thunderstorms, you know. I've never been but after everything that’s happened they cause me to get a little nervous.” By 'a little nervous’ Taka meant that the natural spectacle made him freak the hell out. Shallow breathing, crying, breaking down - a whole episode that Takeru did not have to witness yet.  
  
“Will you be okay? I'd like to drive you home but I cannot go now.” Takeru’s concern for him was overwhelming and Taka was starting to wonder if this was part of the other's nature; if he approached everyone this way, or if he somehow felt sorry for him and his situation and therefore was especially thoughtful? He hoped for the former because really, he didn't need anyone to pity him.  
  
“I'll be fine, don't worry. Toru is at home, so there's distraction.” If Taka was honest with himself, he did not know if he would be fine. Even if Toru was around, the possibility of him panicking was still high because after all it was up to him to stay calm, even with his medication. He was already getting anxious just from the mere thought of another attack which definitely was not good. He sighed, “I should get going or it'll start raining before I return home.”  
  
“Wait a second.” Surprised, he looked up at Takeru who met his eyes with a worried expression on his face, before he grabbed for Taka's jacket, lifting his arm up so that he had access to the vocalist’s hand. Taka felt his cheeks blushing as Takeru’s fingers touched the sensitive skin he had in the palm of his hand. “Please send me a message as soon as you get back, okay?” Taka felt as if Takeru knew that thunderstorms not only made him feel a little anxious, but also that he did not feel like bringing up the topic when there was an actual storm coming that would make him face his fear soon enough. Still, was he really that easy to read?  
  
Taka was still figuring out what was happening when Takeru had pulled the pen from his breast pocket that he usually took his customers’ orders with, and scribbled a few numbers on the back of Taka’s hand. The blue ink looked somewhat unfamiliar on his skin since most of his tattoos were plain black symbols, he’d noticed.  
  
“Promise me you’ll give me a shout.” Takeru looked serious and Taka could sense that the younger was genuinely concerned about his well-being. He did not know about his mental condition; all Takeru knew was that Taka had been involved in an accident and lost parts of his memory due to his contracted injuries and Taka planned on keeping it that way. At least for now.  
  
“Promise,” Taka said and prayed there would be no downpour on his way home.  
  
The apartment was empty as Taka got back. No one answered when he called for the younger, and after having placed the paper bag on the table in their living room he started to wonder where Toru could have gone off to. He remembered the guitarist mentioning that they needed to do grocery shopping but with Taka being scared of crowded places, dragging the vocalist along had been out of the question. He assumed Toru had now decided to manage that task in his absence. Taka did not have a new phone yet (his iPhone had not survived the accident) for the sole reason of him not having the need to own one, although he felt more and more as if being in possession of a smartphone had become one of society's standards over the years that he had forgotten about. Due to this reason, Toru couldn’t have been able to text him of his whereabouts either. Looking for a post-it with a potential message from the younger was unsuccessful too, so Taka eventually sighed in frustration and sat down at the table, playing around with the cutlery.  
  
Thoughtfully, he looked at his hand where Takeru had written his phone number onto it earlier, and remembered that he had promised to give him a call as soon as he'd gotten home. He didn't like making phone calls since he couldn't see the other person's expression, and not being able to do that made it much harder for him to figure out the nature of their conversation, or even how well he was empathising in general - something Taka was afraid of. He decided he would wait for Toru to get home so he could send Takeru a text message using the guitarist's phone.  
  
Taka jumped as the apartment was illuminated in a bright light for the blink of an eye, and did not dare move when rain drops started hitting the windows. He knew right away what that meant and just hoped he wouldn’t lose it within the next few seconds. He was alone. Toru wasn’t there. And his breathing had already started to quicken.  
  
_3, 2, 1…_  
  
The vocalist had known of the thunder’s upcoming arrival… he had tried to calm himself down beforehand. He had really done his best but as the loud sound - its tone very similar to an explosion - from outside echoed through the room, he shrieked and sank down to the floor. He noticed that the radio he’d turned on minutes before to distract himself was quiet now, and Taka assumed the lightning had hit a power line or something, which did not help at all. He was without power now, so he wouldn’t be able to use the phone if something happened. He was trapped. There was no escape.  
  
Taka sat on the floor, his legs drawn up and head leaning on his knees, eyes so forcibly closed it actually hurt. He wanted to scream, call for help, but his throat felt tight, no sound coming from it.  
There was another clap of thunder and without thinking, without noting how ridiculous he was being, Taka crawled underneath the big table and huddled up, eventually starting to cry. Silent, still no sound falling from his lips that shivered so anxiously. Taka knew his quick, uneven breathing would eventually cause him to faint but he couldn’t stop and he also couldn’t get up to grab his pills even though they lay just across the room. Never would he leave his safe space, not until the thunderstorm was over or until he’d finally passed out so that he wouldn’t have to endure this any longer.  
  
“Toru…,” he managed to whimper in a shaky voice that was barely audible, and pressed his hands onto his ears trying to blank out everything that was going on around him. Tears were rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably, and again he was so incredibly ashamed of his weakness and of what he’d become: a mere joke and an excuse of the 25 year old confident lead singer of one of the country’s biggest bands that everyone had told him about. Maybe he was to be pitied after all… hell, he actually even pitied himself. But more than anything, Taka was angry with himself for being so weak and so scared of literally everything. How was he supposed to live a proper life like this, when the smallest things caused him to lose his sanity? Screw what Toru had said; he _was_ crazy after all and his head _was_ messed up. They both knew, but neither dared to say it out loud.  
  
Taka didn’t even notice when the door was being opened and how someone ran into the apartment. He was dizzy from all the shaking and crying and was so close to passing out.  
  
“Taka, where are you?!” There was panic in Toru’s voice, almost as much as Taka thought he was feeling right now - sitting on the floor, crying his eyes out. He wished for the other to hold him close and tell him things were going to be okay like he always did, but he wasn’t able to form an answer and therefore couldn’t inform the younger of his whereabouts, at least not of his own accord, but his sniffing was enough for Toru to find locate him.  
  
“Taka, calm down, I’m here.” Carefully, he placed his hands on the vocalist’s shoulders, trying not to scare him any further, although Taka still jumped slightly at the unexpected touch. “C’mere, you’re safe around me,” Toru whispered, helping his friend slowly come out from under the table where he had certainly not been able to sit upright, and immediately wrapped his arms around Taka, still crying, as soon as they were sitting on the floor again. Definitely a sight Toru would never get used to.  
  
With feather-light fingers, he stroked the other’s thick curls, held him tight against his chest and slowly swayed back and forth, intending to calm Taka down.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Toru,” Taka cried, feeling hopelessly pathetic at his own incapability of making it through one day without constantly having the younger by his side. He wanted to become stronger and overcome his fears, but simply saying those things was so much easier than actually putting them into practice.  
  
Toru had only gotten a few things from the convenience store around the corner of their building after he’d seen how empty their fridge had actually gotten, thinking it wouldn’t take long; if he had known the spectacle he’d come back to, he definitely would never have headed off in the first place but instead waited until Taka’s return. With that said, he found that the other’s current condition was partially his fault since he hadn’t been there, even though he’d promised he always would.  
  
“I’m here now, nothing is going to happen to you, I promise.” It was reassuring to feel Toru holding him, it was always reassuring when the younger was around, Taka had noticed. The warmth of the bigger body managed to calm him down to the extent of him not risking to faint any more, caused by his unhealthy breathing. Tears were still falling and the vocalist clutched the fabric of Toru’s shirt, silently crying into his shoulder.  
  
Toru had tried various things whenever his friend fell into this hole of despair, but simply holding Taka and trying to calm him down with soothing words had turned out to be most effective. He did not have much influence on Taka’s condition, and he couldn’t prevent the elder from being confronted with the things that were waiting for him outside their apartment. Being able to do almost nothing was frustrating as hell and it bothered Toru to an extent where he wanted to punch the wall until his knuckles bled.  
  
“Don’t leave, please.” Taka’s voice was shaking and broke towards the end of the sentence. It was barely imaginable that the same voice was able to sing songs ranging from heartbreaking ballads to energetic screaming - seeing Taka like this made it hard to believe in general that the man was in fact an entertainer.  
  
Toru felt the elder’s tears soak through his shirt as he kept stroking his back in circular motions, his fingers occasionally massaging the tensed muscles underneath Taka’s shoulder blades. As if seeing the vocalist like this wasn’t hard enough already, simply being so close to him made it hard for Toru to keep it together too. With every inch that Taka moved closer to him, he feared his heart might beat a little faster.  
  
The guitarist swallowed hearing Taka’s words; leaving him was nothing he’d ever consider. Not because Taka was mentally unstable and needed him around, not because Toru felt somewhat responsible for what had happened and now had to make up for it, but simply because he was still so deeply in love with Taka that being separated from him would break his very own heart as well.  
  
“I won’t, Taka. Ever, I promise,” he whispered, leaning into the smaller body, his nose buried in Taka’s curls. “Whenever you need me, I promise I’ll be there.” Toru still swayed their bodies back and forth, having lost track of how long he’d been doing so. It seemed to help Taka calm down along with him holding the elder close.  
  
The thunder had stopped a while ago and it was merely rain that fell from the sky now, dappling the big windows of their apartment, and as both of them realised this, Taka’s grip on Toru loosened up and he dared to look up at the blond.  
  
“Thank you.” Taka’s eyes were red and his cheeks wet, but despite all that his full lips still formed a tiny smile that caused Toru’s heart to melt. If the situation had been different, Toru might have actually considered the sight in front of him as adorable. Carefully, he reached out for Taka’s cheeks and brushed the remaining tears away, ignored the urge to let his hands rest on them.  
  
“I think you should rest a little. Your body is all tensed up.” Stroking over Taka’s arms that were still slightly shivering, Toru stressed his point. Big, almond shaped eyes looked at him and Toru felt miserable for only being able to do so little to help Taka.  
  
“But breakfast…”  
  
“We’ll eat later. To be honest, right now I’m not even hungry anymore and I’d be surprised if you still had appetite after this.” Toru waited a few seconds in case Taka had to argue with what he’d said. But the elder remained silent, so he continued. “You really should lie down for a while, in the past your tensed muscles have often caused you to end up with a headache.”  
  
Taka considered him for a while and Toru tried to figure out whether the other was waiting for him to continue with whatever he’d started, or if he was trying to come up with his own answer right now. The apartment was nearly quiet now with both of them looking at each other save for the falling rain filling the silence between them, enfolding everything in a calm atmosphere. It would have been so easy for Toru to just lean in, showing Taka how much he really cared. Almost unable to restrain himself from doing just that, he dared a look at the pair of lips in front of him. Red and swollen - a faint scar on the bottom lip where Taka had bitten into a while ago, and if he had been able to let go of everything that was holding him back, then and there Toru would have finally kissed those lips again.  
  
“I’ll lie down on the sofa then.” Slowly realising that Taka had spoken to him, Toru blinked a few times before nodding his head, watching the other getting up. He knew Taka was feeling bad right now… they’d talked about how he felt about relying on Toru so much when it came to the smallest things in their everyday lives. It was true that taking care of Taka and being there whenever something happened was demanding, both physically and mentally, and on some days Toru found himself glad the other had finally been able to fall asleep, though he knew it wouldn’t take long before Taka would wake up from another nightmare again. But despite all that, Toru would never dare to complain about anything the elder was asking from him. They’d gone through rough times once and they’d make it a second time.  
  
“You need anything else?” Leaning over the sofa’s backrest, Toru considered Taka who had curled up against the pillows. Dark orbs looked up at him and a few messy strands fell onto Taka’s forehead, making him blink the black hair away.  
  
“Can you stay here? In case something happens, you know?” Taka looked adorably helpless and Toru couldn’t help but smile at his friend’s request.  
  
Carefully sitting next to Taka’s head, Toru took his place at the other’s side. “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, don’t worry.” Taka did not answer but simply smiled at the blond before closing his eyes. Toru watched his friend laying next to him and cracked a smile as he remembered their bygone days. They’d spent so much time being in this position in the past, watching TV or telling each other stupid jokes just for the sake of making the other laugh, except that Taka’s head actually rested on his thigh and Toru’s fingers had continually brushed through his partner’s thick hair. They hadn’t had to deal with panic attacks or memory loss back then - life had been carefree. Looking at Taka, Toru asked himself who actually suffered more. Was it Taka, who could not remember anything that had happened in the past six years and lived in complete blankness, or was it himself who did remember every single detail but couldn’t share anything with the person he loved because they did not.  
  
Taka sighed and Toru was about to ask what was wrong when he realised that his friend might actually have already fallen asleep, judging by the steady movements of his chest. He was extremely relieved since Taka had looked so tired and exhausted and was glad his friend was able to catch up on some sleep now, especially because Taka had woken up from various bad dreams the night before.  
  
Only now did Toru notice the blue ink on Taka’s hand and had to tilt his head to be able to read whatever was written there. He guessed it was a phone number but even after reading it aloud a few times it didn’t ring any bells, though Toru could have sworn he’d seen it somewhere before.  
  
Taka didn’t know how late it was when he woke up again, yawning and rubbing his eyes. His muscles ached and if he hadn't known any better he would have assumed he'd taken part in a marathon or something else that demanded extreme physical commitment. Blinking his fatigue away Taka’s eyes roamed the room, looking for Toru who he knew had sat next to him when he had fallen asleep.  
  
“Toru?” he called into the apartment but, after a few  seconds of waiting he didn’t get an answer. However, the blond seemed to have learned from his mistakes, having placed a small paper on the still set table in their living room, its bright pink colour Taka immediately noticed after he’d raised from the sofa.  
  
“ _I’m taking out the trash & do _ _ing_ _some other little tasks_ _-_ _it won’t take long. There won’t be any more thunderstorms_ _in_ _the coming hours they said, so do not worry_ ,” was written in thick lines on the post it and since it didn’t explicitly say _where_ Toru was doing his ‘other little tasks’, Taka wasn’t too keen to leave the apartment either. He would probably have to wait for the other’s return.  
  
Sighing resignedly Taka pushed a dark strand from his forehead. The day had started out being peculiar, pretty much every day the past few weeks had started out being peculiar and having no memory of the past few years was likely the reason for that case. He received so little information about the past years’ events in general. Even though he had been able to get a vague idea of what they had achieved as a band, what had happened to them personally was an empty box in his head that was yet to be filled. What had occurred to them as individuals? Once again Taka’s thoughts wandered to all the songs and their appertaining texts he had written - seemingly dedicated to that one mysterious person. Had he really talked to no one about his feelings for that someone? Not even Toru, his best friend? And was whatever relationship he and that person had been having still ongoing? There had been no one calling themselves his girlfriend that had tried to get in touch with him. Not when he was hospitalised and not now, although his phone was dead and he couldn’t receive any potential calls anyway. But still, if that had been the case, if he really had a girlfriend that couldn’t get through because of his broken phone, wouldn’t that woman know where he was living and where else they could get further information regarding his condition?  
  
No matter how much the vocalist racked his brain over this, it didn’t lead to anything except a headache and the feeling of running himself in circles.  
  
Annoyed by his own worries, Taka decided to distract himself a little while waiting for Toru’s return by turning on the TV. Zapping through the channels with little interest he noticed the now slightly smudged numbers on his hand as he held the remote, to which he groaned. He’d totally forgotten to give Takeru a call. The other was probably worried to death by now and Taka actually felt ashamed for his behaviour towards him, although he had a pretty good excuse considering the past events.  
  
The power had come back  a while ago but Taka knew there had to be a few settings that needed to be updated now after their phone had died, and because he had zero idea how that worked he decided to look around the room for Toru’s phone. He knew it was lying somewhere after he’d previously spotted it already.  
  
Finding it on the kitchen worktop Taka wasn’t even surprised that his friend’s lockscreen was a picture of his guitars. Toru had always been a nerd and he would always be, at least in Taka’s book. He knew Toru had no code protecting his data from unwanted users because the younger lived by the philosophy of everyone being honest and stuff like that, which had apparently caused a lot of stupid selfie sessions from his friends, if Taka had understood Ryota correctly. Smiling to himself, he unlocked the phone and immediately raised an eyebrow. Behind all the apps in the phone’s menu, a little hidden but not unrecognisable, there was a picture displaying two hands with intertwined fingers. The upper one definitely belonged to Toru, Taka had come to know the veins on the younger’s hand pretty well over the past few weeks, having constantly watched him showing Taka how certain things worked because he could barely remember ever doing them. The bottom hand was barely visible, being almost entirely covered by Toru’s which Taka did not really care about any further since another, way more sensitive detail, caught his attention: two silver rings adorning both of the people’s ring fingers. Within seconds thousands of questions popped up inside of Taka’s head that he did not know how to ask because his mind tried to weigh all possible explanations, and that again caused even more questions to emerge.  
  
Had Toru had a fiancée? Or had he even been married? Had children possibly come out of this marriage? Had he gotten divorced and the date he’d had some weeks prior had been some kind of distraction? Had there been more of those ‘distraction-dates’? Had Toru still not gotten over the loss of his love after all this time and still lived with a broken heart? But why had he not said anything?  
  
So many questions Taka couldn’t find the right answers to. So much could have happened in the timeframe of 6 years that had the potential to fundamentally change the picture he had of himself and the world. What the hell had happened?  
  
“Taka, what are you doing?!” Being completely startled, Taka turned around and had almost dropped the younger’s iPhone had Toru not immediately snatched it from his hand after stepping into the kitchen. Unable to say anything, the vocalist stared at his friend through big eyes and noticed the angry expression on his face when Toru put the phone on one of the shelves, beyond Taka’s reach. “Are you always touching someone else’s stuff without asking?!”  
  
“I...no, it’s because you said…,” Taka started, trying to remind Toru that he himself had been the one who had allowed him to use his phone since Taka hadn’t gotten a new one yet. The blond actually looked furious, what had Taka done wrong? All he had wanted to do was to give Takeru a call and since Toru had offered him his own device - all he’d been about to do was to make use of that kind offer. Or had he understood it completely wrong in the first place? Biting into his bottom lip the elder tried to suppress the tears that dared to fall from his eyes and looked to the ground in consternation. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Don’t touch my things, Taka,” hissed Toru, turned away from the elder and grabbed his phone before slamming the door shut as he disappeared in the bedroom. Taka could only hear all of this since he was still staring at his feet, and the first salty drops that he couldn’t hold back any longer fell freely. He had to get out of here.  
Not giving his actions a second thought, Taka grabbed for his jacket and a scarf and was already out the door.  
  
Hours before, Toru had held him in his arms, had said that Taka was safe as long as he was with him and that he’d never leave him. Now he’d been snubbed at in such a way that had made Taka apologise for mistakes he was still not aware of... he hadn’t done anything wrong, after all.  
  
If things were like this then the vocalist could definitely not tell anymore what was right and what was wrong, what he was allowed to do and what he wasn’t. And more than anything, he couldn’t believe Toru anymore because apparently the blond tended to act against his own words.  
Thick tears ran down Taka’s cheeks and as he put on his scarf, hoping no one would notice them as they passed him by on the street. He silently sobbed into the wool which was fortunately drowned in the noise caused by the city’s rush hour. Right now Taka could only think of one place he could go to, only one person that he wanted to see.  
  
Stuffy and warm, by now the familiar air met his face as Taka entered the café for the second time that day. The ringing bell above the entrance made the man across from him turn around, and a well known pair of dark orbs looked in his direction before Takeru stepped in front of him, holding two trays with empty dishes in his hands.  
  
“What the hell happened? Are you crying?” he asked so quietly so that only Taka was able to understand his words.  
  
“Can we talk? I can wait until your shift is over.” Taka’s voice was as fragile as glass; he was still trying to regain his composure, not wanting to break down in a place like this, especially because Takeru would likely have to apologise for the trouble if he did so.  
  
“Yeah..yes, sure we can!” Takeru said, throwing a glance at the clock that hung between several vintage themed pictures on the wall. “My shift ends in around 10 minutes anyway, but I think the guy that takes over has already arrived. I’ll ask whether I can leave a little earlier, wait here for a second.” Silently nodding Taka watched the brunet as he disappeared behind a door that read STAFF ONLY above it. He felt awkward standing in the middle of the room doing nothing, especially after he noticed that several pairs of eyes were examining and probably also judging him and was very relieved when Takeru came back, now wearing a jacket and a beanie. Taka assumed they had allowed him to leave early.  
  
“I really don’t wanna cause any unnecessary circumstances.”  
  
“You didn't, let’s go.” Smiling kindly, the younger looked down on Taka and the mere sight of him caused a warm feeling inside the vocalist’s chest, much to his own confusion and without resistance he let Takeru push him through the door onto the busy pavement. “Let’s go to the park. Right now there shouldn’t be many people that might disturb us.” Simply nodding, Taka agreed to his suggestion.  
  
“I brought along a cupcake for you. You look pretty pale so I figured a little sugar might not be the worst idea,” Takeru explained as he pulled outsaid goods, neatly packaged, out of his backpack and gave it to Taka after they’d taken their seats on one of the benches in the park nearby. As if on command Taka’s stomach rumbled. He hadn’t yet taken one bite of food, but with a deep bow he thanked the younger for the snack, noticing how his cheeks got warmer, mostly because of the unintended sound from before.  
  
“Ah, thank you so much, I haven’t had anything yet.” Despite his obvious hunger Taka reluctantly only took a small bite from the treat and relished the tiny chocolate chips that melted on his tongue.  
  
“What happened to the donuts that you picked up this morning?” asked Takeru, observing from the side how Taka let the cupcake disappear piece by piece in his mouth.  
  
“We didn’t get around to eating them.” It was a short answer and Takeru could unambiguously understand that the elder did not want to embellish on the topic any further which was completely fine with him. Those details weren’t his business since he wasn’t involved directly, that’s why he decided to wait for Taka to eat up and start with whatever subject he wanted to talk about.  
  
“I don’t know how to deal with Toru.”  
  
“Hm?” The brunet had been prepared for a lot of things, but now he was being let in on the personal problems of Taka and his best friend which surprised him a lot and somewhat took him aback. “Well, isn’t that understandable? I mean the whole situation itself is already pretty difficult with the accident and all that. You’re probably both still suffering from it but since you know each other better than anyone, I’m sure you’ll make it through these difficult times.”  
  
“I wouldn’t say that I know Toru better than anyone...not anymore.” Staring at the empty packaging in his hands, Taka started to fold the white paper. Takeru didn’t have to know about his mental problems yet but if he really wanted the younger to help him, he needed to be informed about the extend of his memory loss. He took a deep breath. “Takeru, you know the accident caused me to forget about certain things, but actually it’s not just certain _things_...You see, in fact I’m not remembering the past six years. My memories reach until somewhere in 2008. I don’t remember our 5th band member leaving and I don’t remember the release of our last four albums. I don’t remember anything I’ve experienced over the past six years and most importantly I don’t remember how close I was with Toru or anyone else. It’s all gone now and I have to build up everything again. That’s why I wanted to talk to you, because doing exactly that is way harder than expected.” Taka felt his heart racing after he’d finished his explanation. He knew Takeru well enough to know the man wouldn’t get up and leave him alone because of something like that, but he still felt a little nervous waiting for Takeru’s reaction.  
  
“No shit, six years?” Takeru looked at him unbelievably, eyebrows raised and lips parted. It was more than obvious the younger had expected Taka’s memory loss to only include something around a few days up to a few weeks.  
  
“No shit,” Taka answered and actually cracked a smile. He felt relieved, having been honest with Takeru. It would be a lot easier now to talk about what’s bothering him now.  
  
“How are you doing? I mean I can only imagine that life like this isn’t easy.”  
  
“It isn’t, really. Feels like I’ve been thrown into some kind of alternative universe. Also there are things I have to deal with that aren’t pretty, but I’m doing my best.” Taka just hoped Takeru wouldn’t ask for more details regarding those ‘things’, but the other remained silent, simply watching him as if he was contemplating whether he could say something.  
  
“So...that’s why you’re having problems with Toru now, because you don’t really remember how it’s been with him?” Taka nodded, sincerely grateful that the younger had understood his problem. “I mean if I got this right, there are basically six years separating you two now, so isn’t it just natural that you have to catch up on that time now? Working on your relationship might take a while considering the circumstances,” Takeru tried to answer as objectively as possible.  
  
“Yeah, that’s true...but I don’t know. Sometimes he’s so kind and friendly and totally makes me feel at home, and then he’s rude and unapproachable again and I feel so out of place.” Carefully Taka looked up at the brunet. “There are times where I need him to lend me a hand because I cannot do certain tasks on my own or because I struggle with certain things and he’s always there, without exception, not complaining and not leaving my side until whatever has to be done or overcome is completed.” Out of nervousness Taka had started pulling the paper in his hands apart. “But then there are times where I don’t understand him anymore and he’s not even trying to explain what exactly I did wrong. Some things happened this morning that made it impossible for me to immediately call you, and when I wanted to use his phone he suddenly got so mad at me and said how rude it was to touch other people’s things. Though he has allowed me to use his phone because I don’t have my own yet, he did not even try to explain what I did wrong or why he’d reacted the way he did.” Taka had actually expected tears to start falling again as he was telling his story but, much to his surprise, his eyes stayed dry. Instead he felt something similar to frustration and anger rise up inside of him.  
  
“To me it seems as if he’s having problems figuring out how to deal with you in certain situations, but I really don’t think he’s behaving purposefully like this towards you, Taka. If he’s always there for you whenever you need him, then I’m completely convinced he’d never want to hurt you. He’s probably a little overwhelmed by the overall situation. If I was in his position I’d be too, I guess. This doesn’t mean that you’re a burden or anything, don’t ever start chasing that thought, but I think his everyday life took a 180° turn after the accident and now he’s struggling with getting back into his old rhythm. Might also be that he’s still blaming himself for the whole ordeal - he’s been the driver after all.” Listening to Takeru felt good, especially since the younger explained his train of thought with so much serenity in his voice that Taka found himself wishing he hadn’t already ended his explanation, and he was so glad because finally he was able to talk to someone who wasn’t directly involved all about his worries.  
  
“He shouldn’t, really. It hadn’t been his fault, that’s also what the police had said. We’ve just unfortunately been in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s all.” Now that Takeru had mentioned the possibility of the overall situation being too much for Toru, Taka immediately had to think of his friend’s wallpaper again and that he’d seemingly lost someone who’d been very important to him. Having to take care of a best friend that wasn’t able to remember the past six years most likely did not help at all in this kind of situation either. Though Takeru had explicitly told him not to, Taka once again felt as if he was nothing but additional weight on Toru’s shoulders.  
The fact that he’d lowered his gaze and stared at his feet again had stayed unnoticed by Taka until he felt Takeru’s hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Listen Taka,” the younger started, and right away the vocalist looked up again. He considered his friend’s smiling face and still thought looked like a model or an actor, even after he’d seen it so very often the past few days. Tiny moles and prettily shaped lips were only a few attributes that made him unique. “We’re gonna get you a new phone now, that way further misunderstandings will be obviated and you’ll be able to communicate without relying on Toru or anyone else. Then, afterwards, I’ll bring you back to your apartment and you’ll have a proper talk with Toru. I’m absolutely convinced he hadn’t meant anything by what he did to actually hurt you, seriously, you two have been friends for such a long time after all.” Taka gave Takeru’s words a thought. He might be right saying that Toru hadn’t meant to hurt him, he’d been a gentle person since the first day they’d met; it was much more likely that Toru was, just as Takeru had assumed before, kind of overwhelmed by the whole situation because apparently it wasn’t only Taka who caused the blond to lie awake at night.  
  
“Also, one more thing.” Raising an eyebrow, Taka looked at Takeru, questioning what else there was to be addressed by the other. “I want you to promise me that you’ll text or call me whenever something happens. I’m worried you might not talk to anyone else otherwise. Alright?” He wouldn’t tell Takeru that he’d hit bulls eye with his assumption. If it wasn’t for Takeru, Taka would most likely not consult anyone else. Ryota and Tomoya were an option, of course, but Taka knew they regularly talked to Toru too, wherefore they did not cover an objective point of view which was what the vocalist was looking for after all. He smiled at Takeru’s kind offer and was glad he’d dared to talk to the younger since it really seemed as if he wanted to help him. The mere thought caused his face to warm up again and Taka was thankful he could hide the bigger part of it behind the fabric of his scarf.  
  
“Sounds like a plan,” he eventually admitted and followed suit as Takeru got up.  
  
  
It was early in the evening when Taka locked up the apartment door. Takeru had dropped him off in front of the building a few minutes ago after they’d spent the entire afternoon walking around downtown, talking about everything and nothing and even getting Taka a new phone that looked very similar to Toru’s. Taka hoped the handling wouldn’t be too complicated since he’d watched Toru use his quite a few times already. He had taken to heart having talked so much about everything that had been bearing down on his shoulders the past few weeks, and now he was actually motivated to get every possible misunderstanding between him and Toru resolved.  
  
“Toru, I’m back, can we talk?” he asked right after entering. He wanted to get the whole ordeal over with as soon as possible. After he’d saved Takeru’s number in his contacts he promised to inform him about what kind of conclusion he and Toru had reached after they’d had their conversation. Letting the phone slip into his back pocket after seen Takeru had sent him a message wishing him good luck, Taka stepped into the living room.  
  
“Toru?” he repeated and tiptoed through the apartment in case Toru had fallen asleep somewhere. The living room was empty, so was the kitchen and the bathroom. Carefully peeking into the bedroom the guitarist had previously disappeared in at their parting, Taka discovered that this room, too, was without a hint of the blond. In order to look for any possible message from his friend, Taka returned to the living room where he had found the last one, and noticed various empty bags of chips and Coke cans sitting and lying on the small table in their living room. They seemingly had been carelessly left behind. Had Toru done a DVD marathon or had someone else been here?  
  
In the kitchen Taka finally found what he’d been looking for: the pink post it sticking to their fridge, its paper being of the same sort that he’d picked up from their table in the morning. Toru had probably assumed that Taka would sooner or later get himself something to eat and would then see the message that was directed at him.  
Smiling, Taka pulled it off the metallic surface but hesitated as he realised that it hadn’t been Toru who had written the displayed words.  
  
“ _Toru is sleeping at my place tonight. Please call once you’re back so we can pick you up as well, my apartment is big enough. Have written down all our numbers below. :-) - RYOTA_ ”  
  
Frowning at the messy lines, a mix of disappointment and consternation spread inside the vocalist. So much for “I won’t leave you alone”.  
  
Frustrated, he balled the piece of paper and threw it into the trashcan before going back into the living room and fishing out his phone. Ryota had been kind enough to write down all their numbers, yet the only number Taka wanted to call right now hadn’t been a part of that little list.


	7. Part 1, Chapter 6

“Shit, you look horrible,” Ryota noted as soon as Toru had opened the door. After his contention with Taka the blond had locked himself in their bedroom and had cried his eyes out for God knew how long until he’d decided to give his two bandmates a call because he really needed to talk to someone. He knew his reaction towards Taka had been rude and totally over the top, but it had been out of panic and definitely not because he’d intended to hurt the other. He was aware of Taka’s insecurities and also of the extent of his dependance on him, which was the main reason why Toru had not been able to stop the tears from falling as he’d sat against their bedroom door, feeling so very miserable for what he’d done. Taka hadn’t deserved to get snapped at like that, he hadn’t even done anything wrong after all.  
  
“Thanks, that’s exactly what I needed to hear.” Making way for his friends to enter the apartment Toru rolled his eyes at the younger’s comment. He assumed it had been intending to make him smile or something like that since Ryota actually knew exactly how he was feeling right now - he had basically been sobbing into the phone throughout the entire call.  
  
“Have you eaten anything yet?” Tomoya asked, gesturing at the set but seemingly untouched table. Toru shook his head and said that he hadn’t had any appetite ever since, to which the drummer sighed before he started piling up the plates and collecting the cutlery to place everything back in its shelves and drawers.  
  
Unlike Tomoya, Ryota did not even take off his shoes but walked straight into Toru’s living room instead, making himself comfortable on the sofa at which Toru clicked his tongue.  
  
“You’re being rude.”  
  
“I’m being concerned.” Staring at each other, the two men only broke their eye contact when Tomoya took his seat next to the bassist and asked Toru to sit down as well. The atmosphere felt tense.  
  
“What happened? I couldn’t understand a single word on the phone,” Ryota broke the silence after none of them had dared to say anything for a while. It was weird being in Toru’s and Taka’s apartment with all the pictures of them gone now, Tomoya noticed as he looked around the room while waiting for Toru to reply to their bassist. He’d liked all the photographs that had adorned the room’s white walls ever since, having been taken on various occasions, because despite the always changing setting, it had been visible in every single one of them that his friends genuinely loved one another, simply by the way they held or looked at each other.  
  
Toru’s whimper made him look at his friend again. “I messed up man, I fucking messed up,” Toru started, running a hand through his messy hair. Tomoya had to avert his eyes for a moment because seeing his leader cry was something he would never in his life get used to, not least because Toru had always been the most reserved one of them after all. “I haven’t changed my wallpaper yet, it’s still that ring picture and when I caught Taka using my phone without me being around this morning, my brain just snapped and I shouted at him - why would he would touch my things like that.”  
  
“What did he say?” Ryota asked and Tomoya held his breath, being overwhelmed with admiration for his closest friend, because despite Toru, Ryota’s childhood friend sitting in front of him as the sobbing mess he was, the bassist kept a straight face and, unlike himself, did not avert his eyes. He was stronger, he could endure the sight, at least for the moment.  
  
“He ran off.”  
  
“Just like that?” Toru took a few breaths before he answered.  
  
“No, after I’ve locked myself in our bedroom without saying another word to him.” His voice broke towards the end of the sentence and he leaned over to press his hands against his eyes as if that would make the tears stop from falling. Ryota sighed and rubbed his own and if Tomoya hadn’t known any better he would have assumed that the younger fought against his own urge to cry. The air felt as if it was electrically charged, one wrong move and they might blow something up.  
  
“Where is he now?” Tomoya carefully asked and felt his chest tighten when Toru looked up at him wearing an expression that ached the drummer - he was sure he had last seen it the day the doctors had informed him about how serious Taka’s condition really was.  
  
Again, Toru ran his hands through his hair, making a mess out of the mop on his head. His voice sounded as if he’d cried for hours: hoarse, raw and traversed by pain… like stepping onto the shards of a porcelain vase you accidentally dropped. “Fuck, I don’t know. He has no phone, he has nowhere to go. I have no idea.” Toru looked distraught with the tears wetting his cheeks, some of them rolling down his neck until they reached the collar of his shirt and his hair sticking out into all kinds of directions, as if he hadn’t slept for days.  
  
“Do you have any idea where he could have gone off to? Someone he’s had contact with the past few weeks? A place he showed a lot of interest in?” Ryota asked. He had been against hiding the truth from Taka from the very beginning and seeing what worryingly levels this whole lie was starting to reach made him regret not having told his vocalist the truth when he had the chance to. He bit his lip and threw a look in Tomoya’s direction who just shrugged at him.  
  
“There was a number written on his hand when he came back from his walk this morning. I remembered seeing it somewhere and checked my contacts and it belongs to Takeru Sato.” Both, Ryota and Tomoya, raised their eyebrows at Toru’s words. They were on bowing terms with Takeru, he was the type of person they sometimes met at parties or events by virtue of their overlapping circle of acquaintances but despite a few beers they had drunk together here and there, he was more or less a stranger to them. They knew Toru’s relationship with him was just a wee bit closer wherefore they immediately wondered where Taka could have gotten to know him.  
  
“ _That_ Takeru Sato? Where has Taka gotten his number from?” Tomoya asked. Toru had finally stopped crying but still looked as if he might start again any second.  
  
“He works at that coffeeshop nearby where Taka gets donuts from every morning… to get out of the apartment a little each day. It’s quite difficult with him, you know…” They just nodded, after all Toru had told them how many problems there actually were with Taka and his everyday tasks. Imagining their confident, energetic vocalist having become a constantly nervous and anxious shadow of who he used to be was close to impossible and if they, especially Tomoya, were to be honest with themselves. They were glad they hadn’t had to experience Taka having one of his attacks yet because they could probably not handle the situation. “They’ve become pretty close apparently.”  
  
“Call him and ask whether Taka is with him,” Ryota suggested and immediately Toru shook his head.  
  
“I can’t do that, I don’t want any more people to be involved in this whole ordeal,” the blond said to which Ryota groaned and got up from his seat.  
  
“Man, seriously,” he spoke, heading towards the table in the dining room on which his phone was located. “You gotta clear things up, stop making everything even more complicated!” This whole thing may not be any of his business but he couldn’t keep watching Toru mess everything up more and more. As he looked for Takeru’s number in his contacts he noticed that Toru hadn’t even gotten up to try stopping him - whatever the reason for this behaviour was, Ryota was just thankful he didn’t intervene.  
  
The beeping stopped as someone answered the phone.  
  
“Hello, who’s this?”, someone spoke on the other end of the line and although Ryota hadn’t heard Takeru in quite a while he was still able to undoubtedly identify his voice by the calm tone it held. He raised an eyebrow at the other’s greeting since he’d actually gotten to know him as a very polite person and this choice of words did not really fit the image he had of Takeru, until he realised that he probably did not have his number saved, so there was no name displayed that could have informed Takeru of the caller’s identity.  
  
Intending to answer the man, Ryota was about to explain who he was, only to be cut off by Takeru again who seemingly spoke to someone standing close to him, judged by the muffled sound of his voice. “I need to take this call, could you please sit down over there?”  
  
“On the bench?”  
  
“Yes, give me a minute.”  
  
It took Ryota a moment to understand what he’d just heard, _who_ he’d just heard. Those three words had already been enough to reveal who was with Takeru right now, he’d probably also have known right away after only one syllable, he’s heard that voice for God knew how often after all. Live, speaking, singing, on the record. That was Taka.  
  
Caught off guard, he blinked a few times and only when Takeru asked for a second time who was on the line, sounding somewhat irritated, Ryota managed to form an answer.  
  
“Ah, sorry, is this Jun?” From the living room Tomoya considered his friend with a quizzical look on his face. It wasn’t only Ryota’s assumed voice but also his question in general that made him ask himself what the younger was up to.  
  
“Jun? I don’t know any Jun, you must have called the wrong number.”  
  
“Looks like it. Sorry again. Have a nice day!” Ryota did not even wait for Takeru’s answer but hung up right away. So Taka was with Takeru, that was more than reassuring to know, since they could be sure now that someone was looking out for him.  
  
“He’s with Takeru… he talked to him while I was on the phone, I heard his voice,” he explained while sitting down again. At that Toru leaned back in his seat and exhaled air he did not know he’d been holding. “I didn’t let him know it was me because I feel like this is something you have to take the blame for, Toru.” Ryota considered the other until Toru met his eyes. “Talk to him and explain why you panicked when he saw your phone. To be honest, just tell him the truth already, he’s seen the picture anyway.”  
  
Tomoya cleared his throat. “Ryota is right, Toru,” he agreed. “It would be better if he knew, seriously. I get your motives but keeping all of this from him will only make things worse.” Toru leaned forward and supported his elbows in his thighs.  
  
“You’re saying this as if it was so easy,” he began, voice slightly shaking. “But you don’t know how it feels to look at the person you love every day, knowing they have no idea of what you’ve been. You don’t know how much it hurts wanting to hug that person and kiss them every second of the day but not being able to because that’s not what you do to strangers or friends or whatever we are at the moment.” Ryota and Tomoya fell silent, did not dare to interrupt Toru, not even as the guitarist had started to cry again making no noises this time. It was just silent tears falling, a sight out of a film that someone had turned the sound off of.  
  
“Do you know how it feels like when the person you love the most struggles with the easiest things, how it feels like when they are suddenly someone completely else because they’ve _forgotten_ who they actually were? How it feels like when that person is suffering, crying almost every night because nightmares are hunting them and there is literally nothing you can do, because holding them in your arms when you two fall asleep in _your_ bed is not an option anymore?  
  
“I know that telling him the truth would be the easiest way to go, of course, but can you imagine my fear of him not loving me back? Or how _he_ must feel if I told him that he is supposed to be in love with me. I don’t want Taka to love me because he feels like he’s obligated to do so. It is not like he’s only lost a few weeks of his memory, he cannot remember the past 6 years. He hasn’t figured out a lot of things from back then, I cannot expect him to act the way he did before the accident. You all think what I’m doing is selfish, and maybe it is, but I cannot deal with rejection or seeing Taka unhappy because he’s with someone he doesn’t wanna be with. I just wanna be around him, no matter how he feels towards me, and enjoy the little intimacy I am still allowed to have with him. I still love him enough to deal with all the crap he has to go through at the moment. I will lie to him about the picture and I don’t care what you think about it. I know telling him the truth is what you all want me to do but I’m sorry, I can’t. I just can’t.” The room fell quiet as no one dared to break the silence. Toru did not make any noise although thick tears were continuously rolling down his face and Tomoya felt that the mere sound of his breathing was too loud for the fragile atmosphere Toru’s speech had built up. They sat in silence, simply staring at each other.  
  
They did not like the way the whole ordeal was being treated, lying to Taka felt wrong and they definitely felt bad about it, but hearing Toru explain his motives made them somehow understand his behaviour a little more. And it also made them realise once more the pain their friend was going through. Ryota bit his lip. He wouldn’t dare to tell Taka about it on his own, although he would have loved to a few minutes ago, but seeing how many consequences this would actually bring with it made him give up on his plan. This was not his business after all,  and it would never be.  
  
“You cannot stay here,” he said, getting up once again and going over to Toru to pull the blond out of his seat as well. “I will not let you, where everything reminds you of Taka. Not in this condition. I know you wanna wait for him but you can do that at my place as well. We’ll leave him a message.”  
  
  
“Have you talked with Toru yet?” Takeru asked when Taka opened the door. It was the first time he saw the apartment where Toru and Taka lived and as he took off his shoes and jacket after having stepped over the threshold, the brunet examined the expensive looking furniture that stood in the hallway, assumed that being a musician seemingly made the money roll in quite well.  
  
“I didn’t get the chance to do that,” Taka answered, leaning against one of the white walls and watched Takeru line up his black Docs next to his own shoes, the pair looking ridiculously big compared to his Converses. After he’d seen the message Ryota had left for him on the table, Taka had called Takeru to ask for advice since he didn’t really know what to do. All his further planning was based on him and Toru having a conversation that would clear things up. The younger had insisted on coming over, wanting Taka to explain everything to him without interruptions or excitement. Takeru said he was still quite close to the quarter where Taka lived, so coming back wouldn’t be a big deal, but the vocalist still felt bad for making the younger do him another favour in such a short timeframe instead of finally going home after a long day of work and previously spending time with Taka.  
  
“Let’s sit down first. You want something to drink or are you hungry?” Leading Takeru into the living room Taka watched the other sit down before asking. He had not cooked anything but if he wasn’t mistaken there were instant noodles in one of the cabinets. Takeru simply asked for a coke; apparently he was not hungry at all, but Taka assumed his friend just did not want to cause any trouble. He decided to bring along a bag of chips instead. It would help make it seem rather casual instead of letting Takeru realise he’d seen right through him.  
  
The sun had begun disappearing behind the horizon, framed by warm colours around numerous skyscrapers and towers.  
  
“Okay, what happened? Something’s wrong, it’s pretty obvious,” Takeru asked and took the cooled can from Taka’s hand, just faintly brushing the other’s fingers. Taka felt way too exposed under Takeru’s intense gaze, like an open book his friend could read every little secret from, and hewasn’t able to avert his eyes as the dark orbs bore into him. Although it felt as if there was nothing in the world he could possibly hide from the other, Taka did not have the impression that this was something he was uncomfortable, let alone unfamiliar with. It did not make sense, but the perception couldn’t be shaken off.  
  
“He wasn’t there when I got home. I found a note that said he’s spending the night at Ryota’s and that I should call them to pick me up. He must have been really angry if he needed Ryota to get him out of here,” Taka explained and did not even notice how he had started pulling on the skin of his fingers again. “But what’s way worse, apart from him being deeply disappointed and angry with me, is the fact that he…” He stopped mid-sentence, stared at Takeru who looked back at him, expectantly waiting for the elder to continue speaking. Taka swallowed. “That he left me alone despite all the fears I’m having and the always present possibility of something causing me to panic. Like...actually panic, I’m having attacks, Takeru. I didn’t tell you this earlier since I’m kind of ashamed of it, I’m sorry.” Taka had expected to see a change in Takeru’s expression but it remained calm, understanding. The brunet nodded, carefully put his hand on Taka’s shoulder.  
  
“Taka, you do not have to be ashamed for something like this,” he said, shifting a little closer as if he thought a shorter distance would make it easier for him to get his point across. “And I’m here in case something happens, so do not worry, I’ll take care of you.” Taka couldn’t avert his eyes from Takeru’s honest look, from that deep brown colour he feared he might lose himself in, the hand on his shoulder exuded warmth, made him actually feel at ease and almost… almost safe from everything he was scared of. And then there was something pulling him forward, something that felt like instinct that caused Taka to lean his forehead against Takeru’s shoulder and take a few deep breaths. He noticed the other faintly smelled of mint, apart from the still present coffee note in his clothes. Despite him always overthinking everything, this time Taka did not consider whether he was crossing a line or not with what he did, and as soon as Takeru had wrapped his arms around him, he threw the idea of even trying to question it away. Takeru’s body was warm and gave him a feeling of security, and he leaned further into it, embraced by this calming sensation.  
  
“I feel like I’m crazy…,” Taka spoke, his voice being muffled by Takeru’s pullover. “I’m scared of darkness and panic during thunderstorms.” Getting those words out, Taka remembered sitting on the apartment’s floor in the morning, desperately crying in Toru’s arms when he’d just prayed for everything to be over soon. He’d promised Toru to talk to him about these kind of things but now he was here with Takeru, opening up to him about everything… which wasn’t even necessarily a bad thing, and he was sure Toru would never not want him to do this, but he still felt as if he betrayed his best friend right now. Speaking with someone else about his worries felt so good and Takeru was someone Taka would probably be able to discuss everything with, and Toru was not here right now anyway. He was not here though Taka needed to see him to finally figure out what he’d done wrong. Takeru was not a second choice, not at all, it was quite the opposite actually. Taka was able to be honest with him because he felt honesty in return from Takeru, which was not always the case with Toru. He did not want to say that his best friend was lying or anything but sometimes Taka rather had the feeling that Toru kept things from him, decided to hide certain details. The picture he’d seen on his phone also had only strengthened this assumption. But maybe Takeru was right, maybe all of this was just too much for Toru to handle at the moment and he couldn’t even properly judge what was relevant for Taka to know and what wasn’t.  
  
“You aren’t,” Takeru's voice pulled him out of his thoughts and only now Taka noticed how his friend had slowly started stroking through his curls. He was careful, barely touched his scalp in contrast to Toru, who was able to brush just the right spots to make him relax. “I cannot yet estimate how serious those attacks are or how sensitive you are to your triggers, but I want you to know that I’ll be there whenever you need someone to be around you. And Toru will be too, I know that for sure. Things are going to be alright between you two again, trust me.” On one hand Takeru’s words touched him because he obviously had a lot of faith in his and Toru’s friendship and was willing to help wherever he could too, but on the other hand Taka noticed there was something wrong with what the other said, a very specific detail in fact.  
  
“Nothing’s ever going to be okay again.” He wouldn’t cry, not this time. Taka had cried so much already, it was time to just be rational about everything now. He bit his lip, pushed away all the negative thoughts that dared to find their way into hi conscience. “I don’t even know how it was when everything was okay, you know? I don’t remember the time I spent with my best friend and no one is able to tell me whether those memories will ever return.” Taka closed his eyes and took in the closeness they shared, sitting in his living room, only being illuminated by the ceiling lamps now with the sun having completely set a few minutes ago, exposing Tokyo’s glittering night lights.  
  
“But is that so bad?” Takeru asked and made Taka look up at him. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to get over your memory loss or anything like that, but I think that making new memories with Toru is not dependant on your old ones. They aren’t less worthy just because you cannot compare them - if anything this makes achieving happiness a lot easier, don’t you think?” Taka’s mouth felt dry. It sounded ridiculous, but he had never thought about it like this. The fact that there was a giant hole in his mind, a huge gap of 6 years, had constantly given him the impression of an almost present impossibility to retain his relationships. Since his awakening, Taka had thought that he had to fill said hole, no matter what it took, to be able to live a proper life because that’s what everyone expected from him. Or so he had thought. He’d tried to chase the happiness he’d forgotten about, thinking he would not be able to move on it without remembering it. But he’d been wrong. “Maybe it’s not going to be the way it had been before, maybe it never will, no one can tell, but no one knows if the memories you are going to make won’t be even better. You cannot compare and you shouldn’t. Live now and make the best out of every moment.” The smile that adored Takeru’s lips was sincere and left Taka speechless. What Takeru had said made so much sense; it was so logical but he still had never properly looked at the whole situation like this. Did the past really not matter? Could he just move on like this, without investigating any further? Probably not, or at least not yet, but the younger was right by saying that the present happiness he would experience was not of any less worth than the past happiness he could not remember anymore.  
  
So Taka just stared. Stared at Takeru who had proved again how ridiculously easy it was for him to take away all his worries just by saying a few reassuring things, and asked himself if Toru would have been able to make him realise the same thing too. Toru knew the person he’d been before the accident. He could still remember all the prior events and what they’ve been through, and Taka could imagine how hard it was for his best friend to let go of the past and to accept that they’d have to build up something new. But here sat Takeru, making everything seem so easy by pointing out the little things Taka had been blind to and clearing up what he had been worring about. Taka could still not believe his luck, meeting this genuine person. A person he wanted to be around as much as possible, because breathing was so easy around him... everything seemed so easy around Takeru. It did not make his worries disappear, but hearing him talk, hearing Takeru point out all the important things made his problems seem so small, barely worthy any attention.  
  
So he just stared.  
  
Takeru’s words still echoed inside his head, pulsed through his body like energy, and Taka felt his own heart beat so heavily against his ribcage. He couldn’t take his eyes off of his friend’s dark orbs, totally lost in their depths. So lost that he had not even realised how both of them had slightly leaned in and Taka wasn’t sure what this was. A part of him was unfamiliar with the sensation inside his chest, the prickling in his fingertips and his warm cheeks, another part of him could tell exactly what was going on, but for some reason his mind refused to listen. He could make out Takeru’s hot breath against his lips and how it tickled his chin right before this very sensation was replaced by something else. Something warm and soft, and Taka wished he could feel more of that touch to his lips, but it was gone in a split second, leaving behind a tense atmosphere and making the warmth of Taka's cheeks turn into actual heat.  
  
They kissed, yet neither of them seemed to actually realise what had happened with all their thoughts being cut off, not being able to properly judge their actions, or weighting whether what they did was right or wrong. Not that it mattered, because there was that inner instinct again that Taka would now define as suppressed needs, pulling him forward, his eyes still considering Takeru's before wandering down to his pink lips. Taka could remember kissing girls but he had no memory of a grown-up _man_ ever having kissed him before. Chasing the thought of the possibility that this kind of incident happened within the last few years was something he wasn't capable of right now anyway.  
  
Carefully, Takeru pressed his lips against Taka’s again, working into the plump pair tenderly until he felt Taka relax under his touch and eventually answer by leaning into the contact. Taka closed his eyes as he kissed the younger back, slowly sinking into the pillows on the sofa behind them and sighed as Takeru hovered above him.  
  
Having the other lean over him now caused Taka's blood to rush through his veins so quickly that he could practically hear it, coupled with his loudly beating heart, that he was sure Takeru would totally notice too if he were to listen closely. He tried to ignore his body's reaction and wanted to focus on their lips again. Intending to get more of what his body seemingly craved, the vocalist did not refuse when Takeru pushed a warm hand underneath his pullover and up his chest where fingertips then ghosted over his hot skin, making him gasp into the other’s mouth. For a moment they let go of each other and took a moment to breathe - there was so much Taka could probably have said to Takeru at that moment, but just looking at his friend, seeing his flustered expression made him forget every possible sentence. Takeru's cheeks seemed to hold a rosy tone but Taka couldn't be too sure since the light was quite dimmed. Considering the situation they were in right now, he absolutely did not mind, it actually added to the atmosphere.  
  
With one of Takeru's hands resting on the vocalist’s smooth chest, his other carefully pushed a few dark curls from Taka's forehead exposing slightly glistening skin, and he studied the other’s face. Taka looked at him expectantly, his lips slightly opened, red and swollen and Takeru had to swallow at the sight.  
  
Silence. They stared at each other, completely unaware of their surroundings and only focusing on one another until they kissed again. Takeru’s long fingers that had previously brushed Taka’s hair behind his ear now rested on his cheek before moving into said curls, teasingly grabbing a handful. Pleased, Taka sighed into the other's mouth and dared to wrap his arms around Takeru's back pulling him closer while moving his own body in towards him, causing a shudder to run down both their spines.  
  
When Takeru softly moaned into the kiss, Taka felt his full lips prickle and started to work against his friend's mouth as devotedly as possible, slowly licking Takeru's bottom lip while his second hand went underneath Taka's pullover as well, moving the fabric up to expose his chest before pushing the elder deeper into the cushions.  
  
They had neither closed the curtains nor let down the blinds, so Taka and Takeru had woken up relatively early the next morning, although the term “early” could be argued if one was to consider 8:30 AM early. They'd been cuddled up against each other, and sleepily smiled after they’d opened their eyes, rubbing them to get rid of the remaining fatigue that tugged at their bodies.  
  
“Good morning,” Takeru said, his voice sounding hoarse and raw and Taka had to suppress a yawn when the other lovingly stroked through his messy bangs, being overwhelmed by the comfort. It had gotten so late the day before that they’d decided for Takeru to stay over night since Toru wouldn’t come back until the next morning anyway, and he did not want to leave Taka alone. Sleeping on the sofa, Taka had not minded the younger holding him tight against his chest because falling asleep like this had been surprisingly easy, and what had surprised the vocalist even more was the fact that after weeks of pure horror throughout the night, this had been the first time he’d slept in without even one single nightmare dragging him out of his sleep.  
He watched Takeru as he sat up, felt like tracing the red lines on the brunet’s back.  
  
“I have to be at work at 10, hope you don’t mind me leaving now,” he apologised and turned around to look at Taka. The elder simply shook his head and sat up as well, his black shirt clinging to his body and reminding him of how badly he actually needed to take a shower. He hadn’t been able to give the past events much thought yet; a part of him was even kind of scared of doing it anyway, let alone approaching Takeru about it. They would probably act as if nothing had happened until one of them dared to bring up the topic. Which would definitely not be Taka.  
  
Taka watched Takeru put on his pullover that he’d taken off sometime during the night and collect his belongings before following him to the door, not caring about his crazy bed hair when his friend stepped into the staircase, exposing himself to everyone that would pass them by now.  
  
“Thank you,” said Taka, ignored the heat that already dared to creep up his face again. “I mean for everything that you did yesterday. For me.”  
  
It took Takeru a few seconds before he replied to the elder. Smiling, he reached out for his shoulder, giving it an encouraging squeeze. “No problem, I told you I’d be there whenever you needed someone around you, didn’t I?”  
  
Feeling the beat of his heart in his ears, Taka saw Takeru wave at him before he went down the stairs, eventually disappearing from sight. The vocalist closed the apartment door and leaned his forehead against the cold surface, taking a few deep breaths.  
  
What exactly had happened yesterday?


	8. Part 1, Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!!
> 
> How long has it been, half a year? I'm so sorry for the long wait but the past few months have just been full of changes and challenges for me that required all my attention and energy, so there barely was any time left to focus on my fandom works. I appreciate all of you that still left kudos and comments throughout this story's hiatus so much, you give me so much motivation to keep my standards for Memories high so that you guys get to read entertaining and long chapters in the future too.
> 
> With that aside, there is something I want to address that is very important to me: I will, no matter what, finish this fanfiction, do not worry!! There may be times without any updates in months, I know it's annoying but despite me loving this story and writing in general, there are a lot of things in life that demand me to set all this aside for a time. However, be sure that no matter how long it may take for me to come back and update, I WILL come back and update. This story is fully planned but the chapters still have to be written and checked, both stages requiring a lot of time since both parties, I and the lovely people that help me, still have their real life affairs. I hope you understand and stick with me until the end!

Taka absentmindedly collected the empty coke bottles that he and Takeru drank the prior evening from the table, and decided to clean the whole apartment a little as he did. The glass bottles, various bags of chips, and about five cans of beer added to the living room’s current decoration and gave it a scruffy atmosphere that Taka absolutely could not stand, especially since the room itself usually held a light, clean feeling to it. Caught up in his thoughts, the vocalist took the cans and bottles and placed them next to those that already stood in the kitchen, long emptied and now waiting for someone to take them out.  
  
Standing in the empty room, Taka only then realised how silent the apartment actually was without anyone’s company. All the sounds he made echoed from the walls, and having woken up without someone waiting for him in the kitchen preparing breakfast or doing chores had been a very unfamiliar feeling, and the vocalist was unsure if he liked it or not. He'd been living alone for the last few years that he remembered, and Taka wasn't sure whether his way of thinking about this had changed over time, but from his current point of view he disliked being alone, and he always had. It made him feel uncomfortable and even somewhat unwanted, even if he knew he was making no sense with that perception. If he had asked Takeru to stay, would the younger have done him that favour, despite his work? It was very likely if the vocalist was to judge his friend. Takeru was a genuinely kind person, caring for those he liked and Taka was convinced the younger would do everything for the people close to him, neglecting his own needs and affairs if necessary. Whether that was a good thing was questionable, but it was definitely a quality of Takeru that Taka admired.  
  
He sighed. Taka had actually wanted to think of the handsome man as little as possible, though he knew this was close to impossible considering the events of the previous night. How would he have to interpret Takeru’s behaviour now? And what did he think of his own? Of course Taka had more than enough emotions bottled up inside him that he could speculate about - he wasn't that oblivious to his own feelings, yet he did not feel like dealing with his inner conflicts right now. It was too early in the morning and the situation he and Toru were in at the moment still bothered him too. He did not need any more confusing problems.  
  
Sighing resignedly, Taka grabbed the half-full bag of onion flavoured chips that he put back onto the shelf before throwing the others into the plastic waste.  
  
“Someone should take out the trash…,” he mumbled to himself, secretly wishing Toru was there to hear him, and say that he could do it if Taka did not feel like leaving the apartment. He too always thought of Taka first, or so the vocalist had assumed. Thinking of Toru made his chest ache and Taka buried his face in his hands when he realised that there actually were two problems now that he needed to take care of. It was probably for the best if he got ready first before confronting whatever his and Takeru’s deal was now, after the most recent events. Aside from that, the mere thought of a shower was awesome.  
  
Padding into the bathroom, Taka looked into a mirror for the first time that day and was surprised to see the crazy angles in which his wild curls were sticking out from his head. This was real bed head right there.  
  
Taka remembered how different and unfamiliar it had been seeing most of the tattoos on his arms after his awakening in the hospital. A lot of them looked as if someone had taken a pen and randomly scribbled various symbols onto his skin, although he was sure every single one held a special meaning that he just couldn’t remember anymore. It had been weird at first but now, weeks later, Taka had gotten used to them and eventually even found himself liking the lines and dots the ink under his skin created; they somehow gave him a badass atmosphere that he never remembered possessing. His body was still slim - it hadn't changed much from what he'd remembered - but with all the tattoos he definitely looked more like a rockstar than he had before. Moving closer to the mirror to inspect his face, Taka noticed how sleepy he actually still looked, which was not really a surprise to him since the vocalist could not even remember when he and Takeru had fallen asleep on the sofa the night before, so he assumed it had been sometime after midnight. He felt sorry for his friend who was most likely equally tired and still had to do his best at work now. But then again Takeru worked in a coffee shop where being high on caffeine was probably normal or at least something no one minded.  
  
Thinking about the previous night, Taka felt warmth creeping up his neck adding a tinge of pink to his cheeks. Embarrassed, he shook his head causing his puffy curls to fly, seemingly wanting to get rid of the memories of him and Takeru, although it was actually quite the opposite. This was ridiculous, why should he feel embarrassed? It wasn’t as if he’d never made out with someone before. Admittedly, as far as he knew, Takeru had been the first male to ever get near him in this kind of way, but it still did not change the fact that there was no reason for him to behave like this. It was weird to think of another guy when Taka had only ever showed interest in women, he noticed. It confused him, just like everything else did these days. However, Taka felt a strong but pleasant tingle in his chest as soon as he discovered a dark mark a little below his ear while his eyes roamed over his general appearance in the mirror.  
  
“Oh no,” he mumbled at his reflection and moved back into the living room to look for the pullover he’d worn the day before, to put it back on after taking a shower. Taka had probably changed that mindset of his within the past six years, but right now the vocalist took the view that conspicuousness, especially the sort that bears witness to intimacies between two individuals, felt more than embarrassing to him, wherefore he didn’t want anyone to see it. Not even himself. At least not now. Not when he tried to think of anything else but Takeru.  
  
When the vocalist couldn’t find his hoodie in the living room, he went to get the turtleneck he had seen the other day in his wardrobe. It was then that he noticed a blue fabric hanging on one of the chairs that stood around their dining table. Drawing closer to the object, Taka realised it was Takeru’s scarf that the younger had apparently forgotten, which was actually rather inconvenient, he noticed, after glancing out the windows and noticing how cold the weather seemed to be today. It would be for the best if Taka gave it back to his friend during the day, although that would require him to contact Takeru, and whether he was capable of doing that at the moment was something the vocalist couldn’t tell, so he only stared at the garment in his hands, a lost expression on his face.  
  
Did it still smell like the brunet? Thinking about this being Takeru’s scarf after all - one could assume his scent still clung to it - Taka felt the urge to test the thought rise from deep within.  
  
A pleasant heat overwhelmed Taka when he buried his face in the blue fabric. It felt soft against his skin, its thin material tickling him where the little threads came out, and it smelled like Takeru’s aftershave, making him remember the events from the previous evening. The feel of Takeru’s lips on his skin were suddenly all too real and so were the feathery touches of his fingers that ghosted over his skin. Taka was anxious how things between them were now, what had changed and what would remain the same because he was sure one couldn't kiss someone else just like that without it having any effects. He should see Takeru, they needed to talk this out, and having the younger’s scarf might actually be a great pretext to text him. Inhaling Takeru’s scent once more, Taka envisioned him in front of him again, his voice whispering calming words into his ear, making him shudder; his arms that held Taka ever so tightly…  
  
The vocalist jumped when a clicking sound in the hallway brought him back to the present, and in the span of a few seconds contemplated whether to hide or to greet whoever was about to enter his apartment weaponed with whatever object was within his reach. Taka could merely remain still, as if glued to the spot, and only remembered the hickey at the very last second, quickly wrapping Takeru’s scarf around his neck right before a certain guitarist stepped into the room.  
  
“Hello Taka,” Toru stood in the entrance almost awkwardly, holding a bag with sandwiches in his hand and sent a smile in Taka’s direction that the elder, for some reason, disliked. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly bothered him about his friend’s expression; maybe it was the dark circles under his eyes and Toru’s dark orbs themselves that actually looked somewhat red upon further inspection, or maybe it wasn’t even anything on the guitarist’s outer appearance but rather this certain discrepancy between them that could still be felt in the air. Whatever it was, Taka wished he could just shake it off.  
  
“Morning,” he mumbled into the scarf and was downright thankful for the garment having been pulled high into his face, hiding his cheeks that now practically glowed for him constantly having Takeru’s scent in front of his nose. “You look...worn out.”  
  
“Yeah, and I feel that way too, to be honest.” Nervously laughing, Toru scratched the back of his head, looking a little lost before turning his attention back to Taka. “Actually...I wanted to ask if we could talk? I bought breakfast.” Raising the bag, the guitarist looked at his vocalist with questioning eyes. Taka had expected them to eventually solve their problems but he hadn’t seen it coming so soon, even less with Toru being the one addressing the topic after he had left him in such a manner. However, despite the conditions, the vocalist wanted to get rid of the gloomy atmosphere around them as soon as possible, so he smiled and gave a small nod in approvement.  
  
“Yeah, I’d like to do that.”  
  
As the table was set and the two men positioned themselves in front of each other, there was a tense silence between them that for a reason he couldn’t name. Taka suddenly felt as if the distance between them had gotten bigger over night. Which was quite the contrary of what Takeru had predicted. A cough from Toru made him look up from his plate.  
  
“Did you catch a cold?” Taka looked at Toru, being a little confused by the sudden question that obviously had nothing to do with the impending conversation, before remembering the scarf he was wearing. He guessed the younger was indirectly asking why it was wrapped around his neck in the first place.  
  
“Ah, no, not exactly. My throat is just feeling somewhat sore since yesterday.” Taka sincerely hoped that his best friend would not see right through his lie, and even though he was almost sure the blond would never condemn him, he did not want to tell him that he had been seduced by another man the night before, at least not yet.  
  
“Oh, I see. I could try to find some lozenges later, okay?” The elder felt warmth spreading in his chest upon Toru’s caring offer, and couldn’t help the faint blush that crept up his cheeks before giving another small nod. A few long seconds passed until Toru finally spoke up again, making Taka consider him with attentive eyes, not least because his voice sounded unfamiliarly unsteady.  
  
“Why I actually wanted to talk with you, Taka, is because I want to apologise. I seriously should not have reacted the way I did yesterday… I was overreacting in that moment and I didn’t think about what I was saying. There is very personal material on that phone and when I saw you holding it, I just snapped. You could not know that of course, because I didn’t tell you… that’s why I had no right to snap at you like that and I’m seriously sorry.” The blush that Taka had previously decided to ignore was all too present now, and the vocalist wasn’t sure anymore if it was caused by Takeru’s scent that was still engulfing his nose like sweet perfume, or also because the man on the other side of the table had just opened his heart a little to him. Whatever the answer was, Taka couldn’t put into words the relief he felt upon hearing that it had indeed not been his fault, but simply Toru reacting without thinking about his actions. He let out a breath he did not know he had taken.  
  
“Ah, Toru,” he began, running a hand through his hair. “I was so worried and I’m sorry too. For running off like that, I mean. I should have properly asked what was wrong or something like that.” Taka found himself smiling, a ton of weight being taken off his shoulders. “You’re my best friend and I should have approached you right away, I’m sorry.”  
  
Getting up from his seat, Toru took his place next to Taka, placing his hand encouragingly on the elder’s shoulder and looked into the deep brown eyes that always reminded him of melted chocolate. “There’s no need for you to apologise, Taka, really. I did not act like an adult, I don’t even know what I was doing. Forget about it, okay?” After a small nod, Taka pulled his friend into a hug. Maybe it was random and not exactly suitable for their current situation, but then and there Taka felt as if he would never be able to stop smiling again, driven by serotonin that continuously ran through his body. Maybe he should tell Toru about everything that had happened the night before after all; be honest with him because he was sure the younger could help him sort out his feelings. However, somewhere in the back of his head he knew that he should talk with Takeru first before he introduced a third party to the whole ordeal, so Taka sighed soundlessly into Toru’s shoulder.  
  
“Not wanting to sound creepy or anything, but whose scarf is this? Doesn’t smell like you or me,” the guitarist asked out of nowhere and a little taken aback, Taka let go of him and considered his face. His couldn’t read his friend’s expression and that fact somewhat made him nervous.  
  
“It’s Takeru’s. I asked him to come over yesterday evening because of the upcoming thunderstorm. I guessed you wanted a rest from me after what had happened, that’s why I didn’t join you guys at Ryota’s.” Taka’s words were softly spoken, a low voice that treated the topic with as much caution as possible because of its sensibility.  
  
“Why is it still here then?”  
  
“Because he forgot it here. And because of my throat.” Mentally slapping himself, Taka bit his bottom lip as he had almost prattled away what was still to be addressed at a later moment in time. “He gave it to me yesterday and forgot to take it with him this morning.”  
  
“He stayed the night?” Raising an eyebrow, Toru attentively watched the elder’s face as Taka tried to look anywhere but at his eyes. If his cheeks had not been blushed already he would have been bright red by no later than now, the vocalist knew at least that much.  
  
“He...yes, I did not want to be alone. That’s why.” Taka felt himself getting more nervous with every passing second that Toru did not respond. There was no way he knew, no way for him to know about what had happened in their living room around 12 hours ago. Taka tried to keep calm but found himself pulling on his skin again. A habit Toru was familiar with and knew the meaning of. He had to stop.  
  
“I see.” Toru got up from the chair next to him and went back to his original seat. Taka felt the tension in his body leave as he exhaled. He looked at the bag Toru had entered their apartment with, his analysing look staying unnoticed by the blond, and noticed the symbol on the brown paper was not the one from Takeru’s workplace. So they had not met yet, good.  
  
“Did his company help you?”  
  
“Excuse me?” Taka had been so busy over-analysing the situation and the possible outcomes of Toru having already heard of what had happened from Takeru, that he had not caught his friend’s words at all.  
  
“I asked if it helped that he was with you.”  
  
Giving another small nod, Taka finally picked up his food again that had been neglected for the past minutes, lying untouched on the white plate like some meal that waited to be photographed and posted on Instagram. In order to avoid awkward confessions or explanations he felt he owed Toru, he first needed to talk to Takeru, there was no way around it. He gulped at the thought of the confrontation but was now determined to address the topic. “Yeah, I guess it did.”  
  
  
The hours after breakfast were relaxed and Taka was thankful that the awkward tension that had grown between him and Toru had finally faded away. After he had taken a shower the two of them had started to clean their apartment. The few rooms weren’t exactly dirty or anything, but mopping the floor and dusting their furniture once in a while had still turned out to be necessary in consideration of all the people that seemed to drop by quite frequently.  
  
_“Hey, I want to talk. Can you pick me up later?”_ Taka had texted Takeru before even touching the first bottle of detergent, and now he checked the dial that hung on the wall in their living room from time to time after Takeru had answered that he’d be there at 2, which eventually attracted Toru’s attention.  
  
“Do you have plans?” he asked but was primarily busy with appreciating their now shining kitchen and patting his own shoulder for having spent the past hour scrubbing every possible surface. Dropping the cloth into a bucket, he looked at Taka who rose from the floor after having finished polishing the glass of their cocktail table. The elder opened his mouth but was interrupted by their doorbell before he could have even formed an answer. If Toru had not ordered food without him noticing, Taka could, with much certainty, guess who was standing in front of their door.  
  
“I do, actually. That’s Takeru, I wanted to thank him for yesterday,” he answered as Toru had already walked half the way to the door before he decided to join him, stopping next to the blond just in time for him to push down the metallic handle. Takeru seemed somewhat confused as it was Toru who opened the door and not Taka as he had expected, but upon laying eyes on him, the vocalist could see in the younger’s face how he mentally tried to reconstruct what had happened in his absence.  
  
“Hey,” he greeted, making that beautiful smiling face that was impossible for Taka to ignore if he wanted to think about anything else but the kiss, so he watched Toru instead as the guitarist reciprocated the expression and stepped aside.  
  
“Takeru, come in. I bet you’re here for a beer,” Toru offered at which Takeru only laughed before shaking his head. Right, the two of them already knew each other for way longer than Taka knew Takeru. Or so he guessed - after all he couldn’t remember.  
  
“It’s 2 PM, are you crazy,” he began, still shaking his head in disbelief. Taka guessed that Toru had been joking because for some reason he could not imagine the two of them sitting on the sofa in their living room, drinking beer and laughing about life at all. A weird feeling spread in his chest. “I came by car and just want to pick up Taka but thanks a lot for the offer, maybe another day.” As Takeru spoke, Taka had already started to lace his shoes, much to Toru’s confusion.  
  
“You’re leaving me alone for the rest of the day?”  
  
“Don’t be like this,” Taka grinned and zipped his coat that would hopefully keep him warm as soon as he stepped out of the building. “The apartment looks tip-top and there’s still food in the fridge. I’m sure you’ll survive these few hours without me.” Toru followed Taka’s movements with an amused smile as the other slid past him over the threshold into the hallway. It was nice to see his friend becoming more cheeky around him from time to time, it proved to Toru that the elder grew more confident as well as comfortable around him and the people he was familiar with. “See you later.”  
  
While Taka followed the younger down the stairs, his eyes were fixed on Takeru’s back and he wondered what kind of expression was on the other’s face at the moment. Was Takeru as nervous as he was? And had it even been a good idea to ask for a meeting in the first place? Taka felt his hands grow sweaty and his cheeks became warmer the closer they got to the exit, although Taka assumed they had been bright red from the very beginning without him even having noticed this fact.  
  
“Is it okay if we go to my place?” asked Takeru as soon as they stepped on the street where they immediately got hit by icy wind. When Taka looked into his friend’s smiling face he gave a silent nod.  
  
  
By car, the younger lived about 10 minutes away from Taka. If one was lucky and did not have to stop at every single traffic light, the less central area was unsurprisingly a lot more silent than where he and Toru lived. During their car ride, Takeru had told Taka a lot of things about the area he lived in. What shops there were, where he went for walks, and Taka found himself wondering if this non-stop talking was a facet of Takeru’s personality he had not come to know yet, or if his friend was trying to cover up his tension this way. Taka assumed it was the latter since he had gotten to know Takeru as a very well-adjusted person.  
  
“You can sit down in the living room. Do you want to drink something? Water? Coke? Tea?” Takeru asked as he had disappeared into the kitchen.  
  
“Coke, please. Living room is where?” A little lost, the vocalist looked around the hallway and barely dared to set foot in the apartment without permission.  
  
“Second door on the left.” Following Takeru’s instructions, Taka silently stepped into the room and eyed everything curiously. Overall, Takeru’s apartment was smaller than Taka had imagined, but at the same time a lot more comfortable as well. Countless pictures hung on the walls in his living room and the shelves were filled with souvenirs from seemingly all over the globe; other shelves littered with books, CDs, DVDs and video games. Fascinated by everything he saw, Taka stepped closer and studied what was lined up there. The DVDs especially piqued his interest, and after only a few seconds he could already tell that Takeru and he shared a very similar taste when it came to Hollywood productions. He immediately began imagining what films they could watch together until the early morning hours.  
  
“And? Found something?” Startled Taka turned around, having not heard the younger approaching him at all.  
  
“I, yeah. Kind of. I know almost all the titles here, guess that means your taste is pretty good,” Taka grinned and took his coke from Takeru before following the other to the sofa.  
  
“Really?” Takeru laughed and set his glass of water aside. “Haven’t met anyone yet that watches all that action stuff to an extent like this, at least voluntarily.”  
  
“Know that feeling! I think Toru only watches Star Wars out of pity with me.” Again Takeru laughed and Taka had to avert his eyes from the other’s pretty face. He had come here to finally talk about what had happened, so feeling nervous was part of it, but he could not handle looking at his friend right now. Not if he did not want to combust within the next few minutes.  
  
“I did not expect you to be the kind of person that likes stuff like that, to be honest,” he continued in order to distract himself. “You always seem so collected and calm. Or is this your way of letting out negative feelings?” Taka found Takeru tracing along the sides of one of the pillows they sat on. White and soft, he could feel the fabric under his fingers as he made himself a little more comfortable.  
  
“Who knows, maybe.” Takeru smiled and looked up at Taka. Taking a sip from his coke in order to fight his dry mouth, the elder leaned back and sighed before realising that he was still wearing Takeru’s scarf. Placing his can on the table in front of him, he carefully took off the expensive looking garment that he now felt bad for wearing.  
  
“You forgot this at my place. I’m sorry for wearing it, if you want I can wash it for you.” Taka’s voice was low, and although he knew Takeru could not see why exactly he had worn the scarf due to the collar of his shirt, he felt more uncomfortable than ever. He tensed when Takeru grabbed for the hand Taka held his belonging with, letting his fingers wrap around Taka’s thin wrist. They were warm. They always were.  
  
“About that,” Takeru began and coughed slightly. “I wanted to apologise to you.” Taka’s eyes widened upon hearing those words for the second time that day already. He had expected a lot of things, but Takeru apologising had definitely not been on the list. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you having been so dependent on me at that moment. I am seriously so sorry, I should have controlled myself.” Taka was too taken aback to reply to the younger. He had not expected Toru to apologise before he even had breakfast, and he had even less expected Takeru to apologise for kissing him. If Taka was being honest with himself, he had actually imagined the younger telling him that he wouldn’t want to hang out with him anymore, or something like that because to him that had been one of the more realistic events. Taka had gone through pretty much every possible scenario in his head, and almost all of them had resulted in him leaving and promising never to contact Takeru ever again.  
  
“However, I want you to know that I do not regret kissing you, you know. I regret the moment I chose for doing it, but definitely not the action itself.” Takeru’s voice sounded so steady it sent shivers down Taka’s spine and he found himself in awe of the honesty with which the younger directed those words at him… as if he had prepared them in his head for hours, and knowing Takeru, the man probably had. Taka wondered if he had ever been in this kind of situation before in his life. If he had ever come to know the kind of tension that lay in the atmosphere so heavily, it made breathing harder than usual. He vaguely remembered dating a few women that in the end never turned out to be a partner for life, and that was at least six years ago. Nobody knew if he had been luckier afterwards, nobody could tell him if Takeru confessing to him here on his sofa was his first time being confessed to like this or not. Nobody could tell him if Takeru was the first man he had ever kissed or not. It was impossible for Taka to sort out his thoughts, let alone think of what he should say next with Takeru looking at him like this.  
  
“Looks like I’m putting you on the spot here, I’m sorry. I understand if you think this is weird coming from another man.” Takeru laughed a small laugh, a nervous laugh, and Taka ran a hand through his hair before closing his eyes for a few seconds. His cheeks felt as if someone set them on fire, and the rhythm of his frantically heart was beating was definitely anything but healthy. What should he say? Should he thank Takeru? Say nothing? Tell him that he actually didn’t really care whether those words came from a woman or a man? Or should he just be honest because this was Takeru, the most understanding person he knew?  
  
“No, I’m…,” he began, slowly opening his eyes again. Takeru was still looking at him, his expression soft, understanding. No matter what Taka would say next, the younger would accept it without questioning him, the vocalist was more than aware of that fact. He took a deep breath. “I’m actually feeling flattered and happy...I think.” Taka decided to go for the latter. “Do not apologise, please. I’m so thankful that you were with me yesterday, I did not think that you took advantage of me for even a single second.”  
  
“I like you, Taka, and I want you to know that.” Taka felt his heart skip a beat because he was well aware of the very definition of _like_ in this context, and Takeru slowly turned his hand in a way that caused his fingers to intertwine with his, not helping his poor heart at all.  
  
“I’ve lost the past six years of my memory, and although I know there’s been someone in that timespan that had meant everything to me, I don’t know who that person was, let alone where they are now,” he began, not knowing where he was going with this because the words fell from his lips almost automatically. “You haven’t witnessed my attacks yet, you don’t know how bad they can be. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming from another nightmare. Crowds make me nervous and I panic in the darkness and-”  
  
“Taka,” Takeru interrupted him, tenderly cupping his cheek. “I know and I don’t mind. Whatever it is, it’s okay. That’s you, that all is what makes me like you so much.” Takeru’s calm voice gave him goosebumps because Taka knew his friend was not only saying this to appear like a good person but because he actually meant every word he said. The warmth spread from his cheeks to his chest and even further, and suddenly Taka felt as if every fibre of his body was on fire. He closed his eyes and tried to organise what was going on inside his head. He was not dependent on his lost memories to make new ones, he did not need to know about the happiness he had experienced in forgotten days to be able to wholeheartedly smile again. He was allowed to move on.  
  
“Go out with me.” Taka found Takeru smiling at him. That heartwarming smile that Taka could probably spend hours looking at because it managed to make him forget about all his worries. From what the vocalist could remember he was pretty bad at relationships, but then again, this was six or more years ago so he couldn’t be sure if things still were like this. He wanted to be with Takeru, he did not question that, but he was hesitant. He had not been able to stop thinking about the kiss, and the mere thought of the younger had made him blush so hard. Taka was almost sure Toru had looked right through him earlier that day, but still hoped he had not. Taka let go of a shaky breath when Takeru squeezed his hand ever so slightly, making him aware of the contact they were still sharing.  
  
He was allowed to move on.  
  
“Alright,” Taka finally said, shyly smiling when he noticed Takeru widening his eyes in disbelief. “Let’s go out, Takeru.” Enjoying having startled his friend, the elder leaned forward and placed an innocent peck on Takeru’s pretty pair of lips. He felt a wave of excitement run through his body as Taka finally processed what he had just agreed to. He laughed a little helplessly.  
  
“What’s so funny?” Wrapping his arms around Taka’s waist in order to pull him closer, Takeru raised an eyebrow at his friend...or boyfriend, whom simply shook his head.  
  
“Nothing, I just cannot believe you actually want to put up with all my shit.” Groaning, the younger buried his face in Taka’s shoulder.  
  
Taka had arrived home late that night, and a part of him expected to find the apartment darkened and silent as he opened the door and heard no one welcoming him back the way it had usually been done in the past. Although he had felt a little disappointed that Toru had not been waiting for him on the sofa, Taka had at the same time been overwhelmed by a wave of relief upon realising that this meant he wouldn’t have to tell him what happened yet. He still had a few hours left to come up with the right words and a proper way to explain to his best friend what was going on between him and Takeru now. He had not been able to imagine how Toru would react as he had brushed his teeth and changed into pyjamas.  
  
_“From what I can actually still remember, I suck at relationships,”_ Taka had told Takeru after they had decided to watch a film together.  
  
_“Let’s find out about that then,”_ the younger replied and even then, hours later, Taka had still found himself blushing at those words. Whatever buttons Takeru had been pressing, they had managed to make him lose his composure within seconds, and thinking about it while lying on the sofa, Taka had gotten more and more convinced of the fact that the other had been well aware of what he had been doing to him.  
  
Taka had sighed before he pulled up his blanket, covering his face that had started to feel way too hot again after he had unintentionally remembered how gentle Takeru’s kisses had been. Falling asleep had proved to be a challenge with his thoughts constantly wandering off, and Taka had no idea how late it was when he had finally been able to close his eyes.  
  
  
A careful touch on his shoulder moved his body ever so slightly, and was followed by a familiar voice which made Toru open his eyes. “Toru, are you okay? You still haven’t gotten out of bed, so I thought I should check on you.”  
  
Toru’s head felt as if it was about to explode, his pulse like a hammer behind his forehead forcing him to close his eyes again as soon as the curtains were opened, sharp sunlight piercing his irises. Slowly lifting his head off the pillow, he realised that it really was Taka who stood next to his bed, which meant the voice he’d heard before had not just been a product of his imagination. How reassuring. Through swollen eyes Toru looked up at the vocalist and considered his body as if he was the last person he had expected to show up in his bedroom.  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
“I live here, what the hell,” Taka answered and raised an eyebrow at the odd question that left him with the assumption that Toru was probably still half asleep. Leaning closer he analysed the other’s face. “Did you cry?” Toru didn’t answer, looked past him instead, and Taka felt himself frowning. He knew Toru was not really the type of person to share every single detail about his life with others, but he had expected his best friend to have at least that much trust in him. He wrinkled his nose. “Is that alcohol? Did you drink?” Sighing, he retreated and watched the other from where he stood, somewhere in his heart still hoping for him to answer. Toru did not look good. The bags underneath his eyes were ever so present and his face appeared to be somewhat restless. Taka wondered how much sleep his friend had gotten that night.  
  
Toru studied his white bedsheets, brushing nonexistent creases from them instead of meeting Taka's eyes, and slowly but surely the vocalist noticed a feeling of uneasiness spread in his chest, even more so when he remembered Toru’s last words before he had left with Takeru.  
  
_“You’re leaving me alone for the rest of the day?”_  
  
“Did something happen, Toru?”  
  
With all the questions hanging in the room now, Toru didn’t know which one he should answer first, or rather which one he should answer at all. Leaning back he looked through the window, staring at the outer facade of a building across the street.  
  
“I didn’t cry, don’t worry. I merely got a migraine, that’s why I went to bed early yesterday, sorry that I didn’t wait for you,” Toru answered and felt the lie scratch his throat like a lump of bread that he tried to swallow whole. He should probably feel bad for keeping the truth from Taka yet again, but this was personal, this involved him, and above anything else, lying felt natural by now. One more little lie would make no difference anymore anyway.  
  
“Did you take some medicine already?” asked Taka ever so caringly, and when Toru shook his head he turned around and rushed into the kitchen where he grabbed a glass of water and the box he remembered the painkillers to be in. Only there he finally noticed the empty cans of beer that were neatly lined atop the workplace they usually prepared their meals on. Stepping closer he contemplated their metallic surface for a few seconds. How had he not seen them before?  
  
Taka bit his bottom lip as he headed back to Toru. He felt guilty for having left with Takeru instead of staying here, though he knew he did not have to, and even worse when he thought about the fact that he could have checked on Toru the moment he got back home instead of going to sleep right away. He did not make any sense - who could have known that Toru would come down with a migraine in a few hours, and even if he had been aware of that, there had not been much that he could have done for his friend anyway. But still, for some reason Taka felt responsible for the younger’s condition. Which made even less sense.  
  
Placing the glass together with the little box on the nightstand, Taka sat down next to Toru’s feet, cautious not to hurt the other. He watched Toru as the younger looked for the right pill to take.  
  
“Did you drink alone?” Taka asked slowly, wanting Toru to catch every single syllable. Toru wouldn’t get drunk without any company, or at least Taka couldn’t imagine him doing it, sitting alone in the living room and emptying one can after another. Not that this assumption had any validity now that he had no idea anymore how their drinking habits had developed in the past few years. Toru looked at him with an expression that Taka couldn’t quite read, and it almost seemed as if Toru had expected him to know the answer to that question already. Without answering, the guitarist took one of the white painkillers that he had fished out of the container and swallowed it together with a gulp of water. The atmosphere around them was tense and awkward, even when he set everything aside again and finally looked back at Taka.  
  
“Ryota came over,” he said and Taka nodded, feeling ridiculously relieved because his fears had not proved to be true. Not that he had actually thought Toru would pull something like getting wasted in loneliness, but it seemed as if Taka was extraordinarily paranoid these days and needed to calm his nervousness down at every given opportunity. He held back a cheeky comment on Toru being most likely just hungover and not bedridden because of a migraine.  
  
“I hope you had a nice evening?” Toru asked, not aware of having hit bull’s eye on the first try.  
  
“Yes, I did. It’s just…,” Taka began, and threw a short glance at Toru whose undivided attention lay on him. He could spill the beans now - get out what had bothered him the entire morning - but on the other hand crawling back on the sofa and hiding away from responsibility sounded great too. “Toru you should take a rest first, okay? We can talk later.” About to get up, Taka was ready to avoid the topic for a few more hours when he felt Toru grab his wrist. Warm.  
  
“Did something happen?” he asked and suddenly the vocalist felt more than bad for having given the other that impression. Immediately, he shook his head because he couldn’t bear seeing Toru like this, but the worried expression on his face did not fade. “If there is something you want to talk about, no matter how irrelevant you think it is, I’ll listen.” Toru’s brown eyes looked at him with an honesty and calmness that reminded Taka of Takeru, and he was a little surprised that he had not noticed how much the two men resembled each other before. Only in detail, however.  
  
“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry.” Sitting down again, Taka took a deep breath and noticed how Toru had not yet taken back his hand. The contact calmed him down in a way. Just like Toru’s arms that held him whenever he needed comfort and someone to tell him that everything was going to be okay. “I just don’t know how to address this properly, that’s all.” He smiled weakly before examining his own hand that shook slightly. Anxiety made it hard for him to breathe.  
  
Everything was going to be okay.  
  
“Takeru and I started dating.”  
  
Toru heard nothing but static noise, like the sound of a television. He saw Taka open and close his mouth forming words, heard his voice reach his eardrums, but could still not understand what was was saying - did not want to understand what was said. It was just like it had been in the hospital back then, when they had enlightened him about the vocalist’s condition; that he was in a coma and the doctors were fighting for his life. Then and there Toru’s mind had also struggled to accept reality, just like it did now. It felt as if time had passed without him, having left him behind somewhere in the past and now expected him to catch up on his own.  
  
The very last gleam of hope that he had kept treasured inside his heart had died out. Hope that had made him keep dreaming of the return of a life he and Taka had lived so happily before the accident. A life full of love and trust. Now an utopian fantasy.  
  
Toru tried to say something in order to keep up with the world around him that suddenly felt way too heavy on his shoulders, but his throat could not form a single word. Only the pain in his head and now in his heart too seemed to increase with every passing second, and if Toru was to act on impulse, he would have thrown Taka out right away before crawling back under his blanket and telling himself that everything had been nothing but a nightmare. But even his very own body did not move, and when Toru looked at Taka and noticed how happy he seemed to be, he realised that he could never bring himself to act so selfishly towards the other, especially since confessing had not exactly been easy for Taka either.  
  
Too late did Toru notice that the other had ended his little speech which had most likely consisted of every little detail on how Takeru and he had gotten together. Tilting his head, Taka looked at him insecurely and Toru realised that he had no idea what the elder had just told him. Considering the topic, that knowledge gap was probably for the better.  
  
“Are you shocked now?” Taka’s voice was low, probably soundingt different from before, although Toru couldn’t tell since he had heard Taka as if underwater. A part of him felt sorry for not giving Taka the attention he deserved - all of this was anything but easy for him after all. Another bigger part, however, was convinced that every other word from the vocalist would only push the dagger that was already stuck in his heart even deeper.  
  
“More like taken by surprise.” The guitarist had not expected his voice to sound this stable but guessed it was because he was for once speaking the truth. As if he had ever imagined Taka to start dating someone from his circle of acquaintances right in front of his very eyes, while he himself had spent all his time waiting for the elder to fall in love with him. Ridiculous. Disappointment and anger arose inside the blond and he had yet to figure out how to deal with those emotions because neither, Taka nor Takeru were at fault for his current misery. Slowly, he finally let go of Taka’s wrist.  
  
“I see,” Taka said and averted his eyes, considered his hand the same way he had done the evening prior at Takeru’s. Maybe this would develop into his new habit; trying to read hieroglyphs from the palm of his hand whenever he felt nervous was definitely better than constantly pulling on his skin. “I had actually expected myself to fall in love with a woman since I can only remember going out with girls. Not that I mind, you know.” Toru almost let out a groan upon hearing the other’s words. Him being the one having to listen to all this was so grotesque and ridiculous, he felt like pinching himself over and over again because he couldn’t believe this was actually happening.  
  
“Do you know if I have ever shown interest in guys?” Toru looked at his friend in utter shock, not having expected this question to be asked. Of course he knew, he knew better than anyone else. Not only had Taka shown interest in guys, he had even been in a relationship with a man that he had loved so deeply, he had eventually wanted to marry him. Said man was now sitting in front of him and saw all those images of himself and Taka flash in front of his eyes. How they hugged and kissed and loved each other, and every single one of those moments was so beautiful and meant the world to Toru, but he could never mention even a single one. Could not before and definitely not now. Not anymore.  
  
“No idea, maybe,” the guitarist eventually said, trying his best to conceal how reluctant he was to give that answer. For a while none of the two men said anything and Toru wasn’t sure if he could end the conversation here by saying he wanted to lie down again until his head felt better, when Taka finally broke the silence with a shaky voice.  
  
“Are you disgusted?” Taka didn’t look up but continued to stare at his fingers. Toru felt like screaming out his anger, he wanted to grab Taka by the shoulders and shake him awake, tell him how stupid that question actually was and why. But he couldn’t. Of course he couldn’t. So he merely bit his lip and tried to comprehend why the other would think that way of him in the first place. Probably because of the way he had given his answer. Had Taka seen through him? Toru took a few deep breaths and reminded himself of how important this conversation was to Taka and that he needed to retain his composure. Whether he liked this latest development or not, right now he had to be there for him. Just like he had promised he would.  
  
“Because you’re dating a man? Bullshit.” Toru wanted to laugh out loud, this situation was way too odd to be real, and for a second he contemplated how big the chance of him still being asleep actually was, until the pain in his heart intensified when Taka looked at him through big almond-shaped eyes, reminding him of this brutal reality. “Do you really think I’m that kind of person?”  
  
“No! No, of course not! I just don’t know how you think about it.” Imagining himself explaining to Taka how convinced he was of his own sexuality actually made Toru crack a smile, which did not stay unnoticed by the elder. “Am I embarrassing myself here or something?”  
  
“No, you aren’t, sorry.” Brushing a hand through his light bangs, Toru exhaled. He actually felt like breaking down, and smiling usually wasn’t part of that, unless he was slowly but surely starting to lose his sanity which would not even come as a surprise anymore. The lump in his throat was getting bigger and bigger. “Just so you know, I don’t care who you hang out with as long as you’re happy.” The tiny smile that had still adorned Toru’s lips faded away as reality started to sink in. Taka’s happiness was his highest priority, it had been the reason why he had not told him about them in the first place. And although he had always said that seeing Taka happy was enough for him, could he really handle seeing the man he loved with somebody else? Taka was in a relationship now. He wouldn’t fall in love with him anymore. Someone else would be responsible for his happiness now. Could he live with that? Could he still be happy knowing that? Fuck. He closed his eyes.  
  
“I remember being pretty bad at this relationship thing. Maybe it’ll be different now that I’m older,” Taka said and smiled at Toru. The blond wished, wished so badly that he could be happy for him, sincerely congratulate him because he wasn’t lying when he said that he thought Taka deserved to smile and laugh more than anyone else. However, the only thing Toru was glad about right now was the fact that he hadn’t started crying in front of Taka yet.  
  
“Yeah, you grew annoyed by your partner quite easily. What a moody kid,” answered Toru truthfully and remembered Taka being the most insensitive boyfriend one could wish for. At least the women he had gone out with at that time had always made it sound as if that had been the case. But Toru was no one to judge since he knew the other’s family situation around that time had messed with Taka’s sense for close relationships in one way or another.  
  
“Did that change over the years?” Toru did not say anything for a few seconds. Everything had changed after they’d fallen in love with each other, so what exactly did Taka want him to talk about. Everything probably. And Everything was nothing that Toru could provide.  
  
“I don’t know, Taka.”  
  
“Did I never ever mention that I liked someone? Even only their appearance?” All of a sudden Toru had lost all motivation to talk with Taka, even though he usually was thankful for every second that he could do exactly that, let alone listen to the elder’s voice. Toru did not want to hear any more questions that he had to answer with lies. They could continue this conversation later. Maybe.  
  
“Taka, I have a headache, can I go back to sleep? We can talk later.”  
  
“Oh, of course!” Taka got up from the bed and carefully closed the curtains again, trying to make as little noise as possible. “I’m sorry for asking so many questions, I’m just somehow trying to connect a few dots in my life.” As Taka was speaking, Toru pulled his blanket up again, hiding half of his face. Only a little longer and he could finally let out how he felt inside. As soon as Taka had left the room he could cry.  
As though the elder had heard his thoughts he turned around and gave his friend a loving smile. “Thank you, Toru. For listening to me. I’m glad this does not change anything between us.” Toru smiled bitterly underneath the thick layer of fabric. Unfortunately the small vocalist was more than wrong with this statement, because him being in a relationship changed a lot.  
  
Everything, actually.  
  
“Don’t mention it.” Toru was serious, he did not want to hear anything about this topic anymore.  
  
“I mean it.” For a split second the guitarist thought he’d seen something glisten in Taka’s eyes as he followed his friend’s movements, but before he had the chance to take a second glance, the other had already turned around and headed towards the door in order to give Toru the rest he’d been asking for.  
  
“Taka?” The man’s hand already lay on the door’s handle when Toru raised his voice again. He turned around. “Thank you for sharing all this with me.” Even if it had hurt more than anything that Toru had gone through in the past few days, even more than having Taka cry in his arms so desperately, having heard all this from him had once again shown that the elder still trusted him.  
  
And the said trust that Taka had in him was seemingly everything that Toru had left of him now.  
  
“Don’t mention it,” repeated Taka just as Toru had said before, carelessly grinning in his friend’s direction, suddenly feeling lighter than ever before.  
  
One more lie and they’d be done. One more lie that was inevitable.  
  
“I wish you two the best of luck, Taka.”


	9. Part 1, Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 100 kudos!! <3

“So you spoke to him?” Curiosity sparkled in Takeru’s eyes. He could not deny that he had felt a little nervous the past few hours after having received Taka’s text.  
  
“Yes. He was a little surprised, as expected, but all in all reacted in a positive way,” Taka answered and did his best to keep up with Takeru who made his way through the several crowds of people that gathered on the pavement. After Taka had messaged Takeru about his conversation with Toru, the younger had suggested picking him up after his shift was over, but where exactly his boyfriend was taking him now was a secret Takeru had not been willed to reveal. Not wanting to lose the other, Taka grabbed the sleeve of his parka as they crossed the street.  
  
“I had not expected him to react negatively anyway, to be honest, but hearing this now is still somewhat reassuring.” Takeru’s lips formed a pretty smile as he turned around to look at Taka, finally slowing down. It was not as if he was friends with Toru, he barely interacted with him after all, but knowing the man did not hold a grudge against them was still welcome news, especially since Taka was living with him.  
  
“Me neither, but I still wanted to know.” Takeru nodded, understandingly. “However, he could not tell me if I had ever shown interest in men.”  
  
“Would that have been of relevance?” The stern sound of the other’s voice made Taka look up. His thoughts had wandered off to the countless song lyrics that had unmistakingly proven the existence of someone very important in his life as well as the card he had found in his apartment, now hidden in one of his notebooks, and maybe he was overthinking this whole ordeal, trying too hard to figure out who that person could have been, but the realisation that he was attracted to men as well did not really narrow the search for that someone. Despite all that, Taka knew Takeru’s attitude towards this, and also what he thought of his boyfriend going crazy over his own train of thought. He had promised the younger to focus on the present - the current reality that was him and Takeru - instead of chasing himself in circles because of a dead end he was standing at.  
  
“No, not really,” he tried to calm the other man who already looked as if he’d been preparing another lecture about Taka eventually finding out what fate wanted him to find out. When Takeru knit his eyebrows, ready to recite what he had thought, Taka quickly continued. “But aren't you curious whether you’re the first?”  
  
Taka noticed how Takeru’s jaw tensed for a few seconds as they both halted on the pavement. Whenever Taka brought up his past or anything related to it, he felt as if he hurt Takeru in a way neither of them could pinpoint. The vocalist could understand where the other was coming from, after all they were dating now in the present, but with him chasing ghosts of the past, Takeru must feel quite out of place from time to time. He had not known Taka back then, had merely been familiar with his name thanks to Toru whom he had occasionally met at parties but never exchanged more than 5 words with. Taka’s life before he had met him was a whole different deal that he had no knowledge of and much less influence on. So all Takeru could do was watch his boyfriend grasp for every single straw he could find.  
Taka bit his lip. He had tried to talk with Ryota and Tomoya about his past the other day and despite them having talked for hours, he had still felt like there was significant information missing in their explanation that neither them nor Toru felt like sharing. He had no proof of that, or course, it was nothing but his instincts telling him that something was going on, however, maybe it was just him finally going crazy.  
  
“Taka.” Takeru sounded calm, almost too calm. Like the sea that lay in complete silence before a storm. Taka assumed he had hit a sore point and immediately wished he could undo his words, for he knew how sensitive the younger was to the topic. “I couldn’t care less about whether you already dated a man at one point of your life or not, what counts to me is that I am with you _now_ and that’s what you should focus on as well.” Takeru definitely was hurt, although that had absolutely not been Taka’s intention. His mouth felt completely dry all of a sudden, so much that his throat couldn’t even form a simple “I’m sorry”, only his fingers closed tighter around the fabric in his hand as a silent apology that would most likely go unnoticed by Takeru anyway. Looking down, Taka considered his feet and all the chewing gum that stuck to the grey cobblestones they were standing on, having turned black a long time ago; his curls fell into his face, tickling his temples. He felt bad for having brought up this topic again, knowing how Takeru usually reacted to it.  
  
Both of them did not say anything for awhile until Takeru sighed, and Taka felt a light squeeze on his shoulder. “Sorry.” The vocalist’s eyes slightly widened. “I know how unsure you still are about all this and I can understand why you are trying so hard to reconstruct everything that happened before we met... but like,” the younger scratched the back of his head. “It makes me nervous to have you constantly chasing your past self because I cannot do anything to help you. Don’t get me wrong, if you have even a trace we can follow or something, I am very willing to help you, but otherwise…I don’t know, it’ll drive you crazy if you keep thinking about the past without making any progress while your present is so full of happiness and great memories you’re about to make.” Takeru looked so insecure when Taka met his eyes for a second, before the man looked away. He suddenly wanted to apologise too. “Ah, I feel like such a douche saying this.” Taka watched Takeru suck in a breath as if he had only now understood something. “Or is this about the lack of experiences you have with men? As in-“  
  
“No,” Taka immediately answered, hoping none of the passer-by had heard them. “No, it’s not, Jesus.” He gave Takeru a small smile. “Don’t be sorry, I understand where you’re coming from. I am very thankful for the things that are happening now, that I can be with you. I am truly happy and slowly trying to stop chasing the smallest hints that’ll lead no nothing anyway. Have some more patience with your annoying companion.”  
  
Finally, Takeru cracked a smile again and Taka felt a wave of relief roll over his body. His cheeks felt warm when the man grabbed for his wrist in order to drag him along, and for a second Taka thought about reaching for his hand instead. Not now. Not yet.  
  
“Don’t worry about that, my companion, I’m absolutely in for that.”  
  
  
The café that Takeru had lead him to was a pretty one. At first Taka had wondered why they wouldn’t simply get their coffee at Takeru’s workplace, however upon entering, the answer had been obvious to him - the interior looked extremely expensive and noble. The place was, quality-wise, far above those shops Taka would usually get his coffee to go from, and the vocalist was not surprised at all when he later found out that the to-go-service was not even offered here. A man in a white button-down shirt stood at the entrance and smiled at them when Takeru had approached him, exchanging words that were too quietly spoken for Taka to understand. Soon after, they were lead to a table that stood close to a big window, through which one could see a beautiful backyard that was filled with flowers, most of them already having stopped blooming due to the cooling season.  
  
_Maison des fleurs_ was written in swirly letters on the menu cards the waiter had given to them, and although Taka did not speak French, the concept of a House of Flowers had been more than obvious in consideration of the countless bouquets all over the room.  
  
Taka’s grin grew wider as he took another bite of his crêpe, and he sighed while relishing the sweet chocolate melting on his tongue. He knew of pancakes with Nutella, but this beauty on his plate was a whole different deal.  
  
“Looks like you’re enjoying yourself,” Takeru noted and took a sip from an espresso that reminded Taka of the day he had met the younger for the first time. He had more or less been able to order the hot drink without embarrassing himself too much, but Taka felt as if he would discover more and more awkward details about his behaviour back then if he kept replaying the situation in his head. He wouldn’t tell Takeru, of course, but his flawless appearance had been quite intimidating there and then and thinking back, Taka was thankful he had managed to say _anything_ at all.  
  
“What’s on your mind?” Taka hadn’t noticed his frown and only when Takeru mentioned the tension between his eyebrows, he looked up from his cappuccino.  
  
“Me being awkward,” he answered and lost a quick laugh before taking a sip from his drink.  
  
“I’d love to hear details, you know.” Carefully, Takeru placed his fork aside after having finished his cake. The silver cutlery reflected the warm light coming from the ceiling lamps and Taka did not even dare to imagine how expensive the plates they were currently eating from had been. Takeru supported his chin on his hand, “Enlighten me.”  
  
“You wish,” Taka laughed and shook his head, dark curls flying. He was definitely not going to tell Takeru how he had thought he was a model at first sight. Ignoring Takeru’s pout, Taka took the last bite of his now cooled down crêpe and placed his cutlery next to white porcelain that he had no intention of breaking since it would probably cost him his right kidney.  
  
“So mean. Would have liked to hear you talk.”  
  
“Because I never do that, right?” When Takeru laughed at his words, Taka felt the nice prickle returning, spreading through his chest and making his cheeks turn red. He felt like a teenager with a massive crush, similar to when he was in middle school and looked at girls with long, beautiful hair that only knew he existed because of his bad marks. However, with his lost 6 years, he now was closer to being a teenager again than ever before, so he guessed that counted as an excuse.  
  
“I used to work here a few years ago.” Tilting his head, Taka watched Takeru stir his espresso and noticed the small smile on the other’s pretty lips. He tried to imagine his boyfriend wearing those expensive looking button-down shirts, greeting his guests in French and decorating the room with colourful flowers. It felt a little off since he was used to seeing Takeru in a different environment, but the image in his head was too soft. Taka chuckled.  
  
“Why not anymore?”  
  
“Hello,” Takeru pointed around the room with his spoon. “Do you know how expensive literally everything here is? I’m quite clumsy… if I had stayed here they wouldn’t even have had to give me my paychecks anymore.” Taka watched Takeru in amusement. His features looked so relaxed and the grin he gave Taka caused his heart to skip a beat. He really could not imagine a person like Takeru to be clumsy, the man was always so calm after all, he cracked a smile. “Plus everything here was a bit too much, you know?”  
  
“Yeah, I can imagine the atmosphere here being quite overwhelming,” agreed Taka, examining their surroundings. There hung a lot of vintage looking photos on the walls and chandeliers illuminated the room in warm light. The walls and most of the furniture were colored in a creamy white, and Taka noticed how much he actually preferred the wooden tables and shelves he had at home over this sterile inventory. They were so much more comfortable to be around.  
  
“That and the staff was too straight-laced for my taste, I need a little bit of chaos.”  
  
“I can serve you enough of that.” Realising he had actually said that out loud, Taka chugged down the rest of his cappuccino. He was bad at flirting and he knew it. Takeru laughed out loud and Taka wondered how he could have ever thought he wouldn’t embarrass himself in any way today.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Takeru asked after a few seconds and Taka nodded, watching the other with curiosity as he set his mug aside. “May I take you out?”  
  
Tilting his head, Taka raised an eyebrow and completely ignored how hot his body felt all of a sudden. If he had recorded those words, he probably would have put them on repeat for the next couple of hours. “But aren’t you doing that right now?”  
  
“I am. But I meant taking you out for the night.” Taka exhaled and leaned back in his chair. “You see, my boss organises event catering from time to time, and since I am part of his team, I am assisting there too of course. A few months ago we were at this huge mansion where a decadal birthday was celebrated and the man was so keen of our service, he said he would definitely return the favour. As far as I know he works in the fashion industry or something, doesn’t really matter, but he has a lot of money.” Checking if Taka could follow him, Takeru looked at him until the other gave a small nod.  
  
“Long story short, he has invited us to his mansion. There’s a dress code: suit and tie. Or bowtie, whatever you prefer. It’s gonna be some big thing my boss said, several other important people are coming too. As far as I know we will eat dinner and dance afterwards. Waltz and all that stuff. So it’s pretty much a ball with food. Takes place in around a month.  
  
“They have asked us all to bring someone along and I wanted to ask you. I know that you get nervous around people you don’t know, or in crowds in general, that’s why it would be absolutely no problem if you refused.” Taka’s eyes had gone wide by now, having clung to Takeru’s lips as he had explained everything. That would indeed be a date. Taka owned a suit, he had found it in his closet the other day. What caused him to become a little nervous was the fact that he had no idea how to dance a waltz or all those formal dances in general. He could still faintly remember his time in a boyband, but the things he had done there were so far from what people would expect from him at an actual ball, Taka could barely count that as dance experience.  
  
“I... no the crowd would not be that big of a problem if you stayed with me. I become nervous as soon as I’m alone.” He bit his lip, “But do you really think this is a good idea? I mean bringing _me_ along?”  
  
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” said Takeru smiling at Taka encouragingly to which the other felt his fingers prickle. “I’m pretty sure we won’t be the only ones.” Taka went through the whole thing in his head again. He had a suit and as long as Takeru was with him, he could deal with people just fine since his anxiety usually came from him being scared of situations he was not familiar with, and a dinner sounded rather harmless compared to other situations he had been in so far. The only problem was the dancing issue, but he would have to figure out that one later.  
  
“Alright, count me in,” he eventually said, and immediately Takeru’s face brightened up. “I do own a suit, so don’t worry about me showing up in a t-shirt and sweatpants.” Taka got goosebumps when he felt Takeru’s fingers carefully intertwining with his hands resting on the table. Whenever Takeru touched him he noticed how warm he was, reminding him of pure comfort. They looked at each other for a few long seconds and a shiver ran down Taka’s spine as he felt himself getting lost in Takeru’s deep colour, only to come back to his senses when the other let go of his hand again.  
  
“Awesome, thank you! And for your information, I have full trust in you and your outfit choices.” Takeru seemed so happy, and seeing him like this made Taka grin too. He was glad the stern atmosphere from when they had talked about his past before was gone now, having been replaced by excitement and happiness. Was this what Takeru had meant out on the street? Focusing more on the present because of all the great opportunities that were waiting for him?  
  
“What great trust you have in me, thank you a lot,” Taka laughed before remembering something. “By the way, let’s drop by a pharmacy, okay? Toru is down with a migraine and I wanted to check for something that might help him.” As Taka thought about what Toru was doing right now and wondering if he was already feeling better, he let his eyes roam through the courtyard that seemed so still in autumn. When Takeru raised his hand and asked one of the waiters for the bill, Taka looked at him a little confused.  
  
“Don’t make that face, you should get him food and medicine as soon as possible; a heavy migraine is no joke.” Taken by surprise, Taka watched his boyfriend pull out his wallet and was about to say something when the waiter suddenly appeared next to their table again. Taka did not fail to notice the waiter’s strong cologne, and patiently waited until both the scent and person disappeared again.  
  
“I wanted to pay for my things,” he said and Takeru merely glanced at him with one raised eyebrow.  
  
“Are you pouting, Taka? Are you actually pouting because I paid for both of us? For a date I invited you to?” Taka had turned his head away and could clearly hear laughter in his voice. He was not actually mad, but it felt weird to have someone else pay for his food, especially when it was not exactly considered cheap. The last time someone had paid for him was when he had been out with Toru the other day. He had given the younger the money for his food later at home but had found it in the pockets of his coat the next morning. Either everyone thought he was poor or people liked to pamper him.  
  
“That’s right and I’m allowed to do that because I’m mentally lacking 6 years.” Taka heard Takeru rise from his chair and soon followed suit. They probably should get Toru’s medicine as soon as possible so that he would not have to suffer for much longer.  
  
When the younger passed him by, Taka felt a faint touch on his hip and upon looking up,  met Takeru’s grinning face. “Without which, you are still 20… so keep on dreaming.”  
  
  
When Taka entered his apartment he first checked the kitchen where the food he had prepared for Toru before leaving still stood, untouched on the cooktop. Sighing, he ripped the note he had left on the fridge off before emptying the white paper bag; the people at the pharmacy had filled it with pretty much everything he could possibly need without a prescription. Taka had only planned to get some pills, maybe some sweets at the nearest convenience store to brighten up his friend’s mood a little, but Takeru had repeated several times how serious a severe headache could be and that too much medicine was still better than too little. Scratching his temple, Taka considered the few packages that now lay on the worktop in front of him - some of them completely unfamiliar, others already part of what they had a home. Before he opened even one of them he should check how Toru was doing though.  
  
Quietly moving forward, as Taka headed towards the bedroom he spotted someone sitting on the sofa. Wrapped in a thick blanket, there would have been no way to identify who it was if it had not been for the blonde strands that peeked out of the white sheet (that and the fact that only he and Toru had the keys to this apartment). The television was turned off and Taka wondered why his friend was here in the living room instead of lying in bed taking a rest.  
  
“Toru?” he asked carefully, slowly approaching the other that did not answer him or even turn around. There wasn’t even a book or a phone lying on the sofa when Taka sat down, and he wondered if the other had simply sat here, maybe even slept in an uncomfortable position like that. Toru’s chin rested on his chest, blonde bangs covering his face, but Taka could see how his dark eyes, framed by fine lashes, slowly opened after a few seconds of silence.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up but you still haven’t eaten anything…”  
  
“It’s fine, I was awake.” Toru’s voice alone made Taka realise that something was off, and he frowned when the younger kept staring at the carpet instead of looking up.  
  
“How are you now? I got some meds that may help you, and already cooked some soup before I left, which you haven’t even touched yet.” Finally, Toru looked up and considered Taka for a few seconds before averting his gaze again, and Taka felt himself exhale air he didn’t know he’d inhaled before his mouth went dry. Toru’s eyes had looked red and swollen and even from only seeing his profile, Taka noticed how thick the other’s eye bags were. In the sunlight that shone through the room, Toru’s cheeks glistened, looking wet and reddened, and his plump lips looked as if he’d bitten into them until blood had been drawn from the sensitive skin there. Taka sucked in a breath as his eyes grew wide. He had thought Toru was going to be okay if he left; he really had thought it was okay for him to go out. Something was very wrong with his best friend and he had not noticed it in the slightest, just merely accepted what Toru had said about his migraine which had now turned out to be an obvious lie. But Taka had believed him - believed every word Toru had said.  
  
“Wh-what,” he began, stuttering, not knowing how to form the sentence stuck in his throat that so badly wanted to be spoken out loud. “Toru, what the hell is wrong? Why did you cry? And don’t you dare tell me again that you did not; I should have known you lied to me, oh God.” Taka was not even angry with Toru, rather sad and disappointed, and the fact that the younger did not even have the guts to answer him or meet his eyes made him feel even worse.  
  
“I don’t get you, really. You want me to come to you whenever something is wrong, no matter what it is. You want me to be honest with you about everything, to tell you what’s on my mind, what I’m worried about and all that... but you on the other hand lie to me? You lie and say you’re sick when very obviously something else is going on with you? If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, then don’t, but don’t expect me to come to you with everything anymore either. I’m sorry, Toru.” Taka did not know what he would do now, if he would leave the apartment and go for a walk, call Takeru or even Ryota and Tomoya. He felt terribly betrayed. “I’m not dumb, you know. Suffering from amnesia maybe, but not dumb.”  
  
When Taka was about to get up, Toru finally, _finally_ turned around and grasped his arm. His grip was tight and it hurt Taka, but the elder did not flinch or say anything. Toru stared at him, looking more miserable than ever before. “Taka, please,” he began, not even knowing what he wanted to say. “Let me… give me a chance to explain this.” A part of Taka wanted to yank Toru’s hand away, to leave the other behind because whatever he was about to say, it would probably only strengthen the disappointment he felt towards the guitarist right now. But he stayed still, did not even nod or anything like that, and merely stared at Toru, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“The truth is… up until a few weeks ago I was in a relationship with someone, probably the most serious relationship I have ever been in.” Toru wrapped his blanket tighter around his body. “I and that person got together around five years ago, so you can probably imagine how serious all this had been exactly. It wasn’t always easy but we made it through whatever came our way, you know? Because I knew them by heart, knew every single one of their habits and moods, and how they could be sometimes, and visa versa. I was the happiest I’d ever been by their side, and they told me the same. It had simply worked, it was perfect.”  
  
“What happened?” Taka sounded concerned and upon meeting his eyes, Toru feared he would start crying then and there. Despite the vocalist’s previous words, he already looked worried again, paying full attention to what Toru was telling him. Taka was too good for him, his heart too big and his eyes too honest. Toru sobbed but bit his lip right away, swallowing down the tears that he had thought he could not shed any more of.  
  
“Life happened,” he said, fisting the fabric that he held on so tightly with his hand. “I cannot go too much into detail because I am still processing everything that happened and is still happening. This does not mean that I do not trust you or anything, Taka, I just...it’s so hard.” The blond felt Taka shifting closer but he did not dare to move, did not dare to say another word because the atmosphere was so tense, everything he had said like a thin thread that was so very close to snapping if they acted too fast.  
  
“You never had a migraine?” Toru shook his head.  
  
“You cried although you told me you did not, probably even while I was next door?” Toru nodded.  
  
“Ryota never came over. You got drunk alone.” This was no question but a conclusion Taka had come up with by himself. Toru did not answer.  
  
“I want to believe you, Toru, I really do. But all this...I don’t know, it feels as if something’s off.” What happened next made Taka hold his breath and widen his eyes until they were nearly circular. Toru let go of his arm and from the pocket of his sweatpants, he pulled out something shiny. When he presented it in to Taka, the elder could barely believe what he saw. “That’s-”  
  
“Everything that’s left of them now.” In the palm of Toru’s hand lay a silver ring, the shiny surface reflecting the sunlight so beautifully that Taka felt as if he had to look away, as if this sight was something he shouldn’t look at, let alone know about. He could make out Toru’s name written on the inside. This was real. This was an actual truth that the younger did not make up... this was no lie. Toru felt a tear roll down his cheek but ignored it, kept his attention on Taka instead, who looked at the ring, his ring, as if he had never seen anything like it before. As if it would make him remember things, bring back long forgotten days. Taka sat right next to him and looked at the jewelry that had once adorned his finger until only a few weeks ago, now an unfamiliar object that he saw for the first time. Toru felt a second tear roll down his cheek, and then a third. He was gone... his Taka was gone, once and for all.  
  
“I’m so sorry Toru, I had no idea,” Taka said, his voice a whisper. He should have known upon seeing the ring - it was the same as the one in the picture Toru used as wallpaper. Those were the hands of him and that person, it all made sense now. His heart ached when he saw Toru quietly crying in front of him, the other’s hand already having closed around the ring again, hiding its beauty away from the world that had been so cruel to him.  
  
“How could you, I never talk to you about anything,” Toru said in a short laugh that felt like a stab in Taka’s chest.  
  
“That’s not true, I didn’t mean it when I said-”  
  
“But really, I’m glad you found someone like Takeru. You deserve to be happy Taka, more than anything else.” It was hard to believe what Toru was saying when there were tears rolling down his cheeks and falling from his chin, creating dark spots on the white blanket.  
  
“But you deserve to be happy too…,” Taka said, and for a second thought about pulling the other into a hug, but instead remained still. What could he do? He did not even know who that person was, and asking about it was absolutely out of the question. He thought about the date Toru had on the day of his awakening. Had he tried to distract himself? Was he actually that desperate?  
  
“You know,” Toru began and looked up. The guitarist had a pretty face, and even with wet skin and swollen eyes, Taka found his friend to be stunningly beautiful. He had always thought that - there was something about the other that fascinated him, but seeing Toru like this was something Taka could abdicate anytime. “We didn’t even break up. It’s just that… so much shit happened and now they’re gone. I don’t know what to do anymore.” With the tail of his blanket, Toru wiped the tears from his cheeks only to have new ones fall from his eyes a few seconds later. What made this scene so heart-wrenching was that despite his crying, Toru made no sound, didn’t sob nor whimper, as if he tried so hard to keep all of it to himself.  
  
“This is what I think, so it may be nothing but bad advice, but if you still love them - and from what I heard you obviously still do - then I think you should fight for them and for what you two had.” When those words fell from Taka’s lips, Toru finally let out a silent whimper before burying his face in his hands, probably wetting not only his fingers but also the ring and that thought alone made Taka move closer to his friend. Carefully, he stroked the other’s shoulder in a reassuring way.  
  
“I am… I mean I am trying,” Toru spoke, sobbing into his hands. “But whatever I do I feel like I’m drifting further away from them and only make things worse with my actions.” Taka felt so helpless, sitting there next to his friend who seemed so broken and alone with all that pain in his heart. He could not believe himself, how he had come to Toru and happily told him about Takeru without having realised how much the guitarist was actually suffering, how he had threatened him not to talk to him anymore if the younger wouldn’t tell the truth, when everything Toru had wanted was him to be happy and not being bothered by his worries.  
  
Taka leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Toru’s broad shoulders, immediately feeling how the other buried his damp face in his neck, and it made his heart twitch in every way possible. Then and there, Toru felt so fragile in his arms as he cried soundlessly into his shoulder, holding onto him for dear life. Taka gently patted Toru’s head, feeling stupid for doing so but glad to be offering some comfort at least. There were things between them they couldn’t talk about, words that would remain unspoken, and he would accept that fact, just like he would accept that the biggest part of his past with the band was lost.  
  
“Don’t give up,” he whispered into blonde strands that smelled like coconut. Toru did not answer, and the clutch on his body merely grew tighter.


	10. Part 1 END

A few weeks went by after Toru had told Taka about his broken relationship, and Taka only saw little progress in his friend’s condition. Toru became a lot more reserved after that certain incident and sometimes did not speak at all during the day. Taka often found him sitting in front of his MacBook where he would silently type for hours without even acknowledging his presence. When Taka left with Takeru in the morning and came back in the late afternoon, the guitarist still sat on his chair, and the vocalist had asked himself more than once if Toru even ate anything when he wasn’t around to take care of him. Taka had waited for Toru to approach him about his worries, to tell him what was going on, but the other kept silent, acting as if he had never cried in Taka’s arms.  
  
On some nights, when it was Taka’s turn to sleep on the sofa, he heard Toru leave the bedroom several times the night; how he went to the kitchen to get water, to the toilet, or to one of the shelves in the living room to consider the books they owned for several minutes without taking one with him. Toru’s sleep issues were obvious, but he didn’t talk about them, he did not talk about anything. Still, Taka would not push him... he would wait.  
  
“What’s this invitation?” They’d been setting the table for breakfast when Toru had found the card Takeru had given Taka the other day. Taka had decided not to tell Toru about the event after what had happened, and now, weeks later, he had almost forgotten about it.  
  
“Ah, Takeru got invited to this dinner thing and he’s taking me along,” he answered, placing their plates next to the cutlery that Toru had already prepared for them. It smelled like coffee and bread, and Taka noticed how hungry he actually was after not having had dinner the day before. He had been out with Takeru, drinking and meeting up with some of his friends, and when he had gotten home that night he had found Toru in the living room, roaming through photo books of their early band years instead of being asleep.  
  
“How come?” asked Toru and considered the simple but pretty card. He knew there was no way, but in his head the few golden words on the envelope were made from actual gold particles.  
  
“He and his colleagues worked for this guy once, and now he invited them to his dinner party or whatever this is going to be,” Taka explained and watched Toru turn the card around, taking in every little detail. It reminded him of a kid that saw something interesting for the first time. The event that Takeru had invited him to back then in that French café was in a few days and Taka had actually tried to avoid thinking too much about it since he still had no idea how he would survive the ball part without even knowing how to dance a simple waltz.  
  
“That thing looks expensive as hell, what kind of palace are you going to?” Carefully placing the card back on the table, Toru looked up and considered Taka with an asymmetrical smile. “I assume you will be wearing something fancy?”  
  
“To a mansion,” Taka corrected the other. “Not a palace, dear God, this is not the Queen of England.” Of course Taka had thought about asking Toru for help regarding his dance issue, but in light of the current events, as well as his friend’s emotional condition, he guessed that embarrassing himself in front of Takeru was a better choice than forcing Toru to help him out when he obviously did not have the strength to do so. “But yeah, I’ll be wearing a suit, my patent-leather shoes and a tie, and pretend that I totally know why I am there and what I’m doing.” Toru laughed and it made Taka feel at ease. Over the past few days he had tried his best to make the other laugh and smile at every given opportunity and seeing his efforts paying off now and then brightened up Taka’s mood a lot. He really hoped Toru felt the same.  
  
“Just be polite, don’t talk about politics, and you should be fine.” Toru sounded as if he knew exactly what he was talking about, and Taka assumed that throughout the years of ONE OK ROCK they had attended quite a few events like this, so the younger probably spoke from experience.  
  
“That is not my biggest worry, what I am concerned about is that we’ll have to dance too.” Sitting down, Taka waited for Toru to follow suit, but the other shook his head at his words. Toru looked tired and Taka wondered how much sleep he had actually gotten that night. He reached for their mugs to pour both of them some coffee that Toru especially seemed to crave.  
  
“You’re a great dancer, no need to worry about that.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“What _what_?” Taking his time to fill both their mugs, Taka finally placed the coffee pot aside again. Toru looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and if it had not been for the dark circles underneath his eyes, Taka would have almost described the sight in front of him as adorable.  
  
“The thing about me being a great dancer, I have no memory of that. Like, okay, I remember dancing in a boyband-”  
  
“Great times,” Taka glared at Toru for a second.  
  
“...but I don’t remember ever having danced a waltz or something like that. Real dancing, you know? So instead of embarrassing myself, I would rather watch other guests spinning through the room and pretend I broke my leg a few weeks ago or something.” The plan about the broken leg was actually not that bad - he really had been involved in an accident after all, so if people asked for details he could certainly deliver some. Toru on the other hand did not even seem half as convinced of this idea, and he leaned over the table giving Taka a _what the hell are you talking_ _about_ look.  
  
“You remembered how to use several cooking utensils without having any memory of cooking, you surely will be able to dance.”  
  
“I’m telling you, I won’t,” Taka, stressed, went to grab for an apple when Toru suddenly offered him his hand. Confused, Taka met the other’s eyes and felt a warm sensation in his chest when he found Toru smiling down at him.  
  
“Then I’ll show you that you can dance.” It took a few seconds for Taka to process what had just happened. Although he had wished that Toru would help him revive that certain memory, he had not really given it much attention the past few days. Actually being offered some support hit him out of nowhere.  
  
“Toru, you don’t have-”  
  
“I just want you to say that I was right and you actually can dance. So get up now.” Shaking his head incredulously, Taka took Toru’s hand without a second thought, and let the other drag him into the living room where the blond then headed towards their CD collection. Stroking along the dusty cases, Toru was obviously looking for something specific. “It will be easier for you to remember steps with music.” Today was not as sunny as it had been days before Taka noticed, as he looked out the windows, ignorant that his fingertips were starting to prickle at the thought of having to dance... or alternatively, having to make a fool out of himself. “There we go,” Toru said and pulled a plain looking CD from the shelf. Taka watched his friend put it into the stereo, and with every passing second he felt himself grow more and more nervous until the first sounds of a piano and violin filled the room.  
  
“Don’t look so frightened, you’re a musician. You should know how rhythm works.” Toru smiled at him so sincerely that it made Taka wonder whether teaching him how to dance could make the other forget about his own worries for a while. He tensed when Toru took his hand and placed it on his own shoulder. “I guess you’ll learn the women’s steps?” Knitting his eyebrows, Taka thought about it for a second. If he learned men’s steps he would be the one leading Takeru, and since he still had no idea whether he could even dance at all in the first place, that was absolutely out of the question.  
  
“Guess so,” he answered and shivered slightly as Toru wrapped his arm around his waist to pull him closer. The guitarist’s hand in his back caused a pleasant warmth to spread across his skin, and Taka could only focus on it for a few seconds before Toru gently took his hand into his own. He was surprised with how careful the blond touched him - as if he was fragile, made of porcelain and unutterably precious.  
  
“I promise that you’re good at this, you’ll see,” Toru explained, and for a split second Taka thought he heard something nostalgic contained in his voice. “Just let yourself be led by me.” The vocalist gave a small nod to confirm that he would try his best, then made a surprised sound when Toru began to move, taking a step forward and slightly kicking against his own foot which in turn made him move backwards.  
  
“I swear Toru, if I fall…!” Taka warned, then strengthened the grip he had on Toru’s shoulder as his gaze went down in order to intently watch their naked feet move to the rhythm of the music playing in the background. Toru felt his heartbeat quicken, and blood quickly rushed through his veins, making his cheeks hot and his chest tight.  
  
“Look at me Taka, not your feet. I will lead you, so trust me.”  
  
They only moved every second cadence, so Taka had enough time to become accustomed to the steps that Toru made him take. He had problems remembering what foot to use at first, and stepped on Toru’s multiple times. However, whenever Taka looked up ready to apologise, he met a smiling face that did not seem to make fun of him, but rather enjoyed watching him instead. It made him feel warm and encouraged him to become more confident about his movements; after a few more repetitions he was astonished to see how easy he seemed to move together with Toru, even after they had accelerated the pace. Letting Toru lead him felt so easy, all he needed to do was to keep in time and trust the other. Toru’s hand squeezed his own so lightly, and the hand that Taka felt on his back held him in position with such skill that he wondered if Toru had danced much  in his life; if yes, when and with whom?  
  
The other was so close, his chest practically pressed against Taka’s, and he felt all the warmth from the taller man on him… how it made his own face glow. The music carried them - like a string they moved along - and Taka sensed it in his body, how he started to move automatically to the soft melody. He surely would not be able to stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Toru had once been part of a dance group and he should have guessed that his friend was experienced in moving his body like this, however, Taka had not thought that Toru could actually move with such elegance. It suited him, matched the atmosphere he always carried around him wherever he went.  
  
“See, told you so,” Toru said, his voice way closer to Taka’s ear than he had realised.  
  
“But you know, I think it’s thanks to you that my talent here is thriving.” Toru let out a short laugh before leading Taka into another turn. There was no chance for Taka to hold back the grin that appeared on his lips upon seeing his friend laugh so freely. Toru’s deep laugh was beautiful and made Taka forget about the worries he knew the other was carrying on his shoulders, and with a twitch in his heart the vocalist noticed that he heard it way too seldom.  
  
“Thank you for the compliment, but I did not originally teach you how to dance. What I am bringing back here is not because of me.” Toru smiled down at him, his features so soft, so relaxed, it filled Taka with happiness to see him like this. He squeezed Toru’s hand without actually realising what he was doing.  
  
“Doesn’t matter - what’s happening now is because of you, stop selling yourself short.” Taka could see how flattered Toru was at his words, his cheeks turning red and him averting his eyes, and it made the vocalist chuckle. He felt as if he had cracked Toru’s shell, even if the crack itself was tiny and did not mean anything in consideration of all the other things the blond was dealing with, but noticing how he made Toru laugh and smile with his words and actions made Taka want to dance with the other forever if it meant eternal happiness for him.  
  
“Back then you were so so bad at leading, I wonder if things are different now.”  
  
“Let’s not worry about finding out this moment okay, I am satisfied enough to see that this is working well so far.” Gesturing at them, Taka only now realised that it had started to rain outside. The situation was too nice to be real, he felt so comfortable and happy here with Toru, as if they were isolated from the world outside of their apartment. Everything was alright and okay right then.  
  
“I remember this one event, I think it was a birthday party or some anniversary, where you had to dance with your mother, and man did you mess up!” Toru laughed and Taka knit his eyebrows.  
  
“Didn’t you say I was good at dancing? What’s with this now?”  
  
“You are!” Toru confirmed, “But as I said, you were just very bad at leading, don’t ask me why. Everyone was surprised to see the frontman of a popular band being a total mess on the dancefloor. In the end your mum led the dance and I think I’ve never seen you chugging wine so quickly afterwards.” Taka had grinned throughout the whole story and now found himself wondering how much more embarrassing stuff like that he had pulled that he could not remember anymore.  
  
“I appreciate you reminding me of the awkward side of mine now that I finally got over it.”  
  
“I always have your back.” They both laughed and when the song ended, Taka expected Toru to let go of him, which did not happen. Instead, Toru waited for the second song to start playing before he slowly moved them along to the new cadence. A little slower this time. He did not mind, in reality he was actually glad the younger acted as if the song had never ended.  
  
“Toru, I meant to ask this a while ago, but never really had the courage to.” Taka avoided eye contact which made Toru’s mouth go dry. What would he ask? Something about his past? Something Toru would not have an answer to? He took a few deep breaths.  
  
“Just ask, I’ll try to answer whatever it is as well as possible.” Again, Toru felt Taka squeeze his hand and it made his heart want to jump out of his ribcage.  
  
“After 2008...what happened to my parents? They weren’t there when I was hospitalised, I didn't even get a message or anything from either of them. Did we cut ties or something?” Taka’s voice sounded so unsteady, and when he looked up at Toru his deep brown eyes they were dangerously glistening in the light that illuminated the living room. Those beautiful eyes that did not deserve to know what pain was. Toru’s lips formed a soft smile. Relieved because the question was not a dangerous one, and happy because he knew Taka would like the answer, even if he was sure the other would not believe him at first.  
  
“No, nothing like that,” he began. “Long story short: I’m not familiar with the details since back then, your family was pretty much a mess and you did not have much contact with them either, but one day you told us that your parents had informed you that they had gotten back together.” Toru could clearly see the disbelief in Taka’s eyes and he had to suppress a grin. “Wait, it gets better. They’re currently doing a world cruise, you know, the things you do when you have a lot of money and too much spare time.” He laughed asTaka kept staring at him.  
  
“You’re shitting me.”  
  
“I am dead serious.” They had kept the postcards Taka’s parents had sent them from various places they’d been to, and he would show them to Taka later to make him believe what he was telling him. “They’ve still not returned to Japan, that’s why they did not come to visit you when you were at the hospital. I tried to call their home various times, but since your parents are old school enough not to own a smartphone and our agency had made the press keep our names out of the newspapers, I am sure they do not even know of the accident.”  
  
Taka still stared at him in utter shock. The last memory he had of his family must be him slowly becoming independent after having run away and starting a band with Toru and the others. “Are you for real?”  
  
“I promise you I am.” Taka needed a moment for reality to sink in. He had not expected an answer like this. Hell, his parents having abandoned him completely would have been more realistic in his book than this. Imagining them being happily together didn’t quite settle in his head yet, and if this really was true, he would probably need some time to process this newly received information. He and Toru remained silent for a while, the younger slowly making them turn to the soft melody a few times.  
  
“I’m happy then.” Toru had actually considered the conversation to be over, and when Taka spoke up it brought him back to reality. He had started to think about the fact that he’d have to inform Taka’s parents about the planned marriage being cancelled after they had gotten back to Japan (Masako had found out about their engagement by accident, they had originally planned to keep it a secret for the time being).  
  
“Hearing that makes me happy,” he replied and Taka smiled up at him. Nothing of what Toru had told Taka had been a lie; for once he had been completely honest with him, had not made up excuses or untrue facts. Them dancing in their living room, talking about a past that connected them, and laughing about it made it feel as if his world was fine - as if nothing had ever broken apart. Toru did not stop himself when he tenderly stroked Taka’s soft hand using his thumb, and he was sure the other had not even noticed the faint touch, for he was still too occupied with his own thoughts.  
  
“One more song, okay? This is surprisingly calming.” Toru feared Taka would hear his heart and how quickly it was beating because of him in his chest when the elder leaned against him and closed his eyes. He did not form a verbal answer, did not dare to break the atmosphere that had built up around them, that engulfed them and made everything seem so perfect. Toru was aware of this merely being another moment that would pass sooner or later, another beautiful bubble reflecting all the colors in the sunlight that would pop after slowly having sunken to the ground. He knew it would pass, so he would cherish the time he had left with Taka for all its worth.  
  
  
Lying on the sofa in their living room, Toru zapped through all available television channels in hopes of finding something interesting he could spend his time with as long as Taka was still on the go.  
  
_“Taka, that’s nonsense, let me come with you, it’ll be easier for you to get all the groceries home that way,”_ Toru had said after they finished breakfast and Taka had announced he would go to buy the ingredients needed for lunch.  
  
_“Forget that, you’ll stay here and rest. Besides, you are empirically not much help anyway, even if I was to explain to you what I’m planning to cook. If you actually want to be productive, then take care of the laundry for now,”_ Taka had answered, and Toru had known that discussing it with the energetic vocalist would lead nowhere because of his strong will. He had eventually given in and accepted his fate of being left alone at home. Originally, he had planned to finish his duties as soon as the other had left the apartment in order to feel at least some sort of positivity due to finished tasks, but right after Taka had closed the door behind him, Toru had felt such a listlessness take over his body that he had headed straight towards the sofa and had not left that place ever since; now mindlessly watching some tv guy help a poor family back into life after they had lost all their money due to something he could not even remember anymore.  
  
Toru sighed and drew a hand down his face, noticing stubble scratching against the palm of his hands and finally realised how much he was actually letting himself go these past few days. He thought back to the dance with Taka, how for a few minutes everything had been the way it had been back then when nothing had happened yet - when nothing had torn the two of them apart yet. He looked at his hand, the one that Taka had squeezed oh so gently, and felt as if the same squeeze now lay around his heart making his chest twitch. It had been so easy to lead Taka, to move their bodies to a rhythm, to make them work together. It had felt so natural, as if it was the one single thing that no one would ever be able to take away from them: how much they still matched each other. Breathing felt heavy when Toru remembered Taka’s smile, the carefree feeling that had laid in his voice whenever he had spoken, whenever Toru had made him laugh. That beautiful laugh, that beautiful smile that he still so deeply loved.  
  
Love could either make a man feel more alive than ever, or kill him slowly, every day a little more.  
  
Toru played with the thought of simply closing his eyes and falling asleep on the spot. Taka would forgive him anyway if he decided to neglect his duties, Toru even guessed he’d forgive him everything in light of his obviously miserable condition. He toyed with the thought when suddenly the ringtone of his phone made him open his eyes that he did not even realise he had closed. The guitarist would be lying if he said it did not bother him to get up and move into the living room where his iPhone lay to check who had sent him a message, but right now he was thankful for every little distraction, even if it was just his contracting party telling him via SMS that he had used up all his data for the month.  
  
From: Ryota  
I’m in downtown with Tomoya rn and just met Taka who was with Takeru. You okay? Wanna talk or smth?  
  
For a few seconds Toru stared at the black characters on his display and took a few deep breaths. That was not really the kind of distraction he had hoped for. Not at all. Did Takeru now even have to accompany Taka to do his weekly shopping? Was Taka not able to do that alone? Why was Takeru allowed to come along but he was not? Because the brunet had managed to reach second base? Congratulations, well done.  
  
Frustrated more than necessary, the guitarist put his phone back down on the table. It concerned him to see how his feelings had gradually changed over time. Where there had been sadness and despair resting inside of him in the beginning, now was something that Toru would entitle as something close to envy and anger. He did not like this side of himself because he knew that neither Taka nor Takeru were at fault for the prevalent situation, and therefore did not deserve Toru to bear a grudge like that, however this was still better than him permanently hiding away in his bed, crying his eyes out. At least for the moment.  
  
To: Ryota  
I’m as okay as I can be atm. I prefer to be alone for now, but I’ll let you know if I need something. Thank you.  
  
The shower felt good and for the first time in what felt like forever. The guitarist found he looked somewhat presentable again after he had properly shaved and noticed that even the eyes that looked at him through the mirror were not swollen and red anymore. It may not have erased his dark roots (he would have to see a hairdresser the following weeks), but at least the shower had made him gather enough motivation to finally take care of what Taka had asked him to do.  
  
Humming _The Catalyst_ , Toru started to clean the apartment which meant him bringing the things he used back to where they originally were if he did not want Taka to get angry at him for causing chaos as soon as he came back. Toru was not really a messy person, lazy at most, but with Taka around him he sometimes felt bad for even leaving a single piece of paper on the table without throwing it away immediately. _“You have found yourself the perfect housewife, dude,”_ Ryota had said years ago after he and Toru had come back from something the guitarist could not remember anymore, only to find his apartment all clean and tidy and Taka sleeping on the sofa after the day’s work was done. They had not lived together yet at that time, but after that certain incident, Ryota had stressed over and over again how perfect and easy Toru’s life would become if they ever took that step.  
  
When passing a collage that hung on the wall, Toru halted and looked at the abstract piece of art that Taka had once created by using tons of magazines and so much glue that he had even accidentally glued his fingers together in the process. The discussion about if this idiosyncratic picture would actually adorn one of their walls had lasted for weeks and in the end Taka had only won because in return Toru had been allowed to keep his “ugly” leopard print pillows (that Toru knew Taka's brother Hiroki loved).  
  
Only now did Toru realise how chaotic Taka must think their apartment was furnished. He had no idea what meaning lay behind the pieces of furniture, and what the background was regarding everything that had accumulated in these rooms over the years of their friendship and eventual relationship. Sighing at the suddenly all too present heaviness on his shoulders, Toru placed the glass he had drank from into the sink and moved to the bathroom where their hamper was still waiting for him.  
  
The radio in the kitchen was playing Amy Winehouse and it muffled through the wall, made Toru hear the lyrics of _Back To Black_ as he sorted coloureds and whites. It had stopped raining a while ago and the sun that stood high in the sky by now shone into the room, made the white tiles downright glow in a way that almost dazzled Toru. Being versed in this duty, Toru placed his and Taka’s clothes into the regarding baskets because ever since they had moved together, taking care of the laundry had become his job while Taka made sure they did not starve. Bittersweet tasted the realisation of this on his tongue, of it not having changed even after the accident, when Toru let his fingers brush over a grey pullover that lay on his lap. It was Taka’s. The fact that the vocalist had received it from him years ago after having complained for so long about always being cold, even in Toru’s apartment where it usually was around 24°C, awoke the urge inside the guitarist to tuck the garment into the farthest corner of the basket as fast as possible, but he hesitated. The material underneath his fingertips did not feel strange, quite the opposite actually, rather as if he had touched it everyday ever since. The fabric was nothing special, ordinary cotton, and yet was Toru convinced he would have been able to identify this very pullover among hundred others.  
  
Toru knew he would be crossing a line when a certain idea formed in his head, and he knew he was done for when he put it into action and buried his nose in the grey garment.  
  
The scent of Taka’s aftershave lotion was so present, he practically used it everyday after all - fresh like lemongrass, and waking memories in Toru’s head that he had actually not wanted to bring to mind anymore. He should probably be ashamed of pressing his face into the worn clothes of his friend, but he could not hold back since all those smells were way too familiar and reminded him so heavily of moments of intimacy, there was no chance he would let this opportunity slip.  
  
The sensation of Taka’s skin on his lips was suddenly too present to be ignored due to the smell around his nose that Toru had always perceived whenever he had buried his face in the vocalist’s neck while making sweet love to him. Taka would have had his arms wrapped around his shoulders, maybe would even have digged his nails into Toru’s biceps, looking for steadiness while gasping, sometimes even moaning whenever the younger moved and rocked their bodies together. Toru would have kissed Taka below his ear, very well aware of how sensitive the vocalist was there... would have whispered sweet nonsense into it until Taka would have turned his head to lean in and kiss him without any coordination, without knowing what he was doing. They would have been so smitten with themselves and what they caused each other to feel, and Toru would have loved every second of it, every moment; he would have given Taka his everything, would have made him melt underneath his touches until the only thing the other would have been able to think of was his name.  
  
Toru’s thoughts had wandered off to a point where he had not even noticed that he had started to massage himself through the thin fabric of his sweatpants, but even after having realised this very fact, he was already too far gone to stop now, being too engulfed in Taka - his smell and everything his body still associated with him. The crossing of that imaginary border was long forgotten, all moral principles abandoned, only the picture of Taka that he saw when he closed his eyes and the memory of how the other had felt whenever they had touched, so present as if it had only been a few hours ago, led Toru’s thoughts and actions.  
  
Taka’s voice sounded in his ears, how he whispered his name with that beautiful voice of his; raw and breathless, entirely dedicated to what Toru was giving him, and Toru felt himself becoming hot, felt how his cheeks started to glow and how sore and numb his lips were as a result of him biting into them. The grey fabric in front of his face muffled his moaning, muffled Taka’s name that fell from his lips so helplessly and echoed from the walls, and Toru should have been ashamed. He should have been ashamed of actioning his suppressed desires in the absence of his friend; the very source of them, of bringing back memories of long gone nights now that Taka had become untouchable to him.  
  
Toru did not hold back his moaning when his body tensed and he climaxed in his shorts. Taka’s pullover slipped to the ground now that it had fulfilled its purpose, and the guitarist exhaustedly leaned back against the tub, waiting until his heartbeat and breathing had normalised.  
  
Suddenly it was all too quiet in the bathroom with the ecstasy gone and tough and heavy loneliness slowly re-announcing itself. Toru blinked a few times and considered his surroundings. The hamper was still standing in front of him, filled with clothes that he could have already put into the washing machine long ago. The white tiles still glowed under the sun when Toru looked down on himself and noticed that not only his body felt dirty, but also something that lay way deeper.  
  
The grey fabric underneath his fingers was so annoyingly soft and now that he felt shittier than ever before after having used Taka in the most disgusting way imaginable, Toru thought about throwing it into the closest dumpster before doing the very same with himself.  
  
  
Toru had no idea how much time had passed until he heard a key unlock the apartment door and steps echoing in the hallway, accompanied by the rustling of plastic that most likely belonged to shopping bags.  
  
“Toru, I’m back.” Peering over the frame of his glasses, the blond could vaguely see the outlines of Taka’s black leather jacket as his friend took off his shoes a few metres away from him. The grey MacBook silently buzzed on the table in front of Toru where he had decided to answer mails that he had already ignored for too long. The good thing about being an artist was that one was not directly bound to set working hours as long as there had not been any tours or press appointments planned, however their management as well as several other superiors of theirs still asked for details on when they could expect ONE OK ROCK to make money again. Until now, Toru had used the accident and his trauma (that their manager had labeled him with) as an excuse to avoid those certain organisational things that always afforded so much concentration from him as the band leader; it gave him a headache. All procrastination aside, it had been predictable that he had to take care of these affairs sooner or later.  
  
“In the living room,” Toru answered and looked back at the display of his laptop where several messages were listed that still needed to get answered, including a mail from the landlord of Taka’s old apartment. Thinking of those empty rooms, or rather for what sacrifice Taka had left them back then, awoke a feeling of uneasiness inside Toru that made him decide to scroll further down. Tomorrow was another day where he could come up with an appropriate reply. An exhausted groan made him look up again and he observed Taka placing several heavy looking bags on the kitchen worktop.  
  
“You could have asked me for help.”  
  
“Nonsense.” Immediately putting that offer off, Taka started to sort his groceries into the shelves and cupboards they belonged. For a few seconds, the guitarist stayed focused on him before he averted his eyes again. A low voice in his head told Toru that he should start a conversation, ask Taka how his day had been or if he had met someone (although Toru did not really want to be reminded of Takeru), but another louder voice kept reminding him of what had happened a few hours ago in their apartment while Taka had been gone, and because the shame was still so very present in his bones, Toru kept staring at his inbox as if the answer to all his problems was to be found there.  
  
“You cleaned up.” It was no question, rather a finding that the vocalist addressed and Toru could not quite make out if it was nothing more but a remark on Taka’s part, or a really bad attempt to start a conversation.  
  
“Yes,” the blond answered shortly. Silence followed his words. If it had actually been Taka’s intention to start a conversation here, then Toru had by now managed to drill the screw as deep into the wood as possible. The vocalist sighed, and from the corner of his eye Toru watched him brush a hand through his messy strands, noticing how Taka’s neck was glistening slightly. He swallowed, clearing his throat.  
  
“Doesn’t feel right to have you clean up my things all the time, especially with you being pretty much the tidiest person I know.”  
  
“True,” Taka chuckled quietly, but it did not feel genuine. Whatever had happened, it lay in the atmosphere around them, sat next to Toru like an unwelcomed guest. The happy and light mood that had been present in the morning was gone now, not that anyone would have seen this coming. Toru was not even surprised anymore.  
  
He wanted to ask how it had been in downtown, if Taka had met someone, even if he already knew the answer, all he wanted was the other to talk to him. And maybe, just maybe, he also wanted to see if Taka would be honest with him if he asked about possible encounters. His behaviour was ridiculous - Taka was a grown man and could decide for himself who he would spend time with, Toru was aware of that. Resignedly sighing, Toru put down his glasses and was about to give in to that urge, when Taka himself spoke up, much to his surprise.  
  
“I met Takeru.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah.” The silence was downright overwhelming and Toru felt as if someone had their hands around his throat when he tried his best to fight it.  
  
“Were you...I mean did you go shopping together?” Taka nodded.  
  
“Yeah, we did. At first he had invited me over to his apartment but when I said that I was busy today he had insisted on helping me with my groceries at least.” Taka’s lips formed a small smile and Toru shook off the need to make it go away by saying whatever. _Couple time_ , he thought in such an appraising way that Toru himself was shocked. What Takeru had planned by inviting Taka over was something Toru could imagine all too well, but seeing how the vocalist was with him now and not with his boyfriend was so satisfying that he had so suppress a smile. He was acting like an asshole, he was aware of that, but he did not care.  
  
“I see. And? Did you have fun?” Toru only grew aware of the amount of sarcasm that had laid in his voice when Taka knit his eyebrows. The smile had faded from his face.  
  
“Fun?” The can of dried tomatoes was placed down on the counter rather ungently. “Toru, I was buying food. This was no date.” Taka sounded pissed and although Toru knew that he should simply apologise for the tone of his voice, he replied to his friend equally snappy.  
  
“That’s totally not what I asked?” Toru saw how Taka’s fingers twitched. If due to anger or something else, he did not know. “I merely asked if you had a nice day. It’s a great thing when you meet up with your boyfriend - you should be happy about it.”  
  
“I am, and yes, it was nice to spend some time with him. I’d love to do that more often.” Taka had started to sort cans and bags again, making Toru face his back. Yeah? Oh, how wonderful, maybe you should not be here then, but with him? Nobody’s forcing you to spend time with me, just so you know.  
  
As if the intensity with which the younger stared at the area between Taka’s shoulder blades enabled him to hear his thoughts, Toru watched the vocalist organise their kitchen. The black shirt that Taka was wearing suited him ridiculously well, and maybe Toru should simply list when, where, and on what occasions he had already ripped it off of him because he was pretty sure those were things Takeru could only dream about.  
  
Annoyed by himself, he pressed his hands on his eyeballs until he saw stars.  
  
“I’ve met Tomoya and Ryota too.” Toru had actually wanted to take his hands away from his face in order to look at Taka in a way that was considered polite, but he kept his position, pondered whether he should admit that their bassist had already told him about that certain encounter, but in the end decided to remain silent about it. Maybe Taka would ask why Toru got informed about things like that in the first place, or assume the rhythm duo spied on him at the behest of their leader.  
  
“Really? Where?”  
  
“At the noodle house. They had entered right when we had gotten up to leave.” Oh, someone got invited.  
  
“So you did not really talk?”  
  
“That was not necessary.” Toru had never really been good at reading between the lines, so he looked up in hopes of Taka explaining the subtext to him. “The looks they gave us spoke volumes.”  
  
“The looks they…?” Toru needed a few seconds to understand what Taka was hinting at, then he shook his head. “Taka, that’s bullshit.”  
  
“It is? You should have seen how they considered us - that was no bullshit. And even more so, not my imagination.” Taka was done with unpacking his bags and brushed through his hair again, heading towards their coffee machine and pressed the button for a double espresso.  
  
Of course Toru had, as soon as he had heard the news, informed Ryota and Tomoya about Taka’s relationship status to which both of them had reacted anything but keen, but not because of the reasons Taka came up with here. Taka and Toru as a couple had become as natural to the duo as the air they were breathing day by day, and them getting married and eventually buying a house was something they had never questioned. In light of that, the guitarist could somehow understand why his two friends reacted the way they did upon seeing their vocalist hold a hand that was not Toru’s. However, Toru had wished for a little more discretion.  
  
“Taka, I am absolutely sure that you are misinterpreting something here. We are talking about Ryota and Tomoya after all.”  
  
“Friendships have broken apart because of way pettier things already.” Obviously frustrated, Taka blew onto the surface of the black liquid in the small mug he was holding, before carefully taking a sip.  
  
“Friendships have, what? With all due respect, I think you are exaggerating a little. They are probably nothing but surprised to see that you’re dating someone.” Toru struggled with getting the last few words over his lips since they still tasted endlessly bitter on his tongue, so much that he would have loved to pull a face at them.  
  
“Yeah, a man.” Toru sighed soundlessly, and watched the elder silently drink his coffee. The need for a cigarette emerged within his chest, or maybe two, or even the whole package. The mood in their apartment was almost unbearable. Exhausted, Toru closed his MacBook and got up. His eyes moved to Taka but only found him looking at his phone, seemingly texting someone which reminded him that he should definitely tell the other two band members later to fix what they had caused, as soon as possible. It was enough when Taka distanced himself from him; Ryota and Tomoya did not need to experience the same thing.  
  
“By the way, I did the laundry,” Toru noted at which Taka only nodded appreciatively. A little disappointed at the half-hearted reaction on the part of the elder, the guitarist started to gather the folders that he had worked with the past few hours to place them back into the shelf, when he thought he had heard Taka’s voice.  
  
He turned. “Excuse me?”  
  
“I asked when we would get the remaining stuff from my apartment.”  
  
Toru could not pinpoint when exactly the atmosphere around him and Taka had started to change. The shift in their dynamic had been sneaky, like a third roommate that no one ever saw but that noticeably spread more and more around the apartment. It had begun with little things, such as Taka forgetting to buy things Toru had asked him to get. Sometimes he would not answer Toru’s messages when he asked where he was, only to receive a text the next morning that Taka had spent the night at Takeru’s.  
  
There were days when they did not see each other at all, when Toru had to leave the house before Taka came back from Takeru’s, and only returned home when the vocalist was long gone again. Maybe the renovation of the so far empty room had been the trigger for the change in the mood between them. Shelves filled with documents, several bags and suitcases and an ironing board had made room for the furniture that had found its way from Taka’s apartment into theirs, having turned the wall between them from a metaphor into reality. Taka now had his own room, where he was from morning to night on some days, no longer spending time in the living room where Toru would find him whenever he missed him. Sometimes Taka would play the piano and Toru would listen to it from their bedroom, now his alone, lying on the bed and imagining how Taka’s slender fingers danced over the piano keys as if they’d never done anything else. Sometimes Toru would not hear anything from Taka, not even when he pressed his ear against the other’s door to eavesdrop, and played with the thought of knocking to see what the elder was spending his time doing. But he did not, because he had nothing to say.  
  
Eventually, both of them made their own shopping lists, washed their own clothes, cooked their own meals and organised their lives independently of each other. Sometimes Toru would come home and find Taka and Takeru sitting on the sofa, cuddled against each other while watching Star Wars or other science fiction films that he had never found entertaining enough to pay attention to. He would notice how bad it hurt to see them discuss characters and relationships in the regarding universe with a passion that Taka had always wished him to have, whenever he had made him watch one of those films together with him. Toru regretted never having appreciated those nights enough, having never paid at least that much attention so that Taka had felt as if they had actually watched the film together. On nights like that, Toru would hide away in his room without even greeting the two of them in most cases, leaning out his window and smoking one cigarette after another. He had given up on smoking for Taka back then, and now without him he had started again, so it was a fair deal.  
  
Toru often caught himself calling the uninvited, long-staying resident that he never saw, the reason for all the negative changes between him and Taka, Takeru. The personified evil that ran like poison through the vocalist’s veins. Over time, Toru had been able to observe the switch of emotions inside of him. Where sadness and despair had been in his chest, now rested resentment and hate whenever he saw Takeru and Taka. More than once, he found himself answering Taka with a zynic comment whenever the other mentioned Takeru, and instead of feeling bad about it and apologising, the guitarist felt nothing but plain apathy. Dry sarcasm had become Toru’s liferaft.  
  
Time passed. Days turned into weeks and weeks finally turned into months. Colourful leaves fell to the ground, left bald branches behind that were eventually covered by white flakes.  
  
Toru had started to meet up with people again, to go on dates, but no one, no matter if man or woman, managed to make him invite them over. There always was at least one attribute that would remind him of Taka, no matter how tiny it was. Sometimes it was the hair colour, sometimes it was a mole that was coincidentally located around the same area as Taka’s liver spots, and sometimes it was a favourite artist that Toru knew Taka listened to as well. On some nights Toru was drunk enough to look past existing similarities, however most of the time he returned home with yet another new number in his contacts that he would never call, before falling into a bed that was way too big for one single person.  
  
Taka had started to write songs for other artists, which was wasted talent in Toru’s opinion while he sat on the floor in the evening leaning against the wall that separated him from Taka, and listened to what the elder played and sang next door. But even if he was right about that statement, Taka selling his works made good money - at least more than Toru earned at the guitar shop where he had started to work; not because he needed the money, but in order to have something to do rather than sitting at home and realising how miserable his life actually was. He often thought about going back to Osaka, leaving behind Tokyo and the life he had built up here and starting again, away from all the things that used him up day by day. But he knew better than anyone else that this plan would never work out in practice.  
  
His birthday, Christmas and New Year rolled by and Toru did not even see Taka on the latter two holidays. The third roommate was more ubiquitous than ever and at some point in time Toru knew that his consistency had won.  
  
The only thing that remained between him and Taka were memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that we have finished the first part of Memories!  
> I have calculated the story to end up having 16 chapters, however, the final number may slightly differ (may be 15, but may also be 17), depending on how well I manage to convert my notes into actual sentences. It's been 2 years now since I posted the prologue here on AO3; so many things have happened until then, and I am more than thankful for every single one of you that finds the time to keep up with this work, thank you so much!!


End file.
